- Main Characters
- Joey Caruso
- Ms. Morello
- Mr. Omar
- Kill Moves
Quote from Everybody Hates Jail
Chris: It wasn't me. I go to Corleone Junior High. I got the cookies from school, and I'm just selling them so I can go on some trip to Washington, DC. And I did not steal them. I was just saying that so people would want to buy them.
Russo: You go to Corleone? What are you the only Black kid there? Nice try. There was an eyewitness, and you fit the profile, cookie boy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I may have only been 13, but I already knew how racial profiling worked. This is what the witness said...
Man: He was a Black male, medium complexion, about 6'4, 230 pounds. He had brown eyes. Um, he was wearing a Scout uniform with a yellow beanie, and he had on dark pants, and size 14 dark shoes. And, uh, a birthmark on the back of his left wrist. Oh, and... And he walked with a limp.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But this is what the cop heard...
Man: Um, he was Black, and, uh, Black, Black, and Black. Um, Black, Black, and he Black, Black, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, uh, he had, uh, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, oh, a Black. Yeah. And, uh, he walked with a Black.
Quote from Everybody Hates Keisha
Tonya: Ooh, I'm telling.
Drew: Shut up, Tonya.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Usually, when Tonya said she was telling, that meant I was getting in trouble. But I didn't care. All I wanted to do was slap the black off of Drew.
[fantasy: Drew's face has a patchy complexion as he is carried into an ambulance on a stretcher:]
Detective: What happened?
Police Officer: Looks like the older brother came home, found the little brother kissing his woman and slapped the black off him.
Detective: [holding an evidence back] Is this the black?
Police Officer: All we could find.
Detective: So much for brotherly love.
Quote from Everybody Hates Snow Day
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father couldn't leave Drew and Tonya home alone, because if you pull that Home Alone crap in a Black neighborhood, they take away your kids.
Quote from Everybody Hates Being Cool
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now before you go getting all upset, in 1986, almost everybody smoked. People didn't give a damn about health. Here's a partial list of things in this picture that people didn't know where dangerous. No sunscreen. Carcinogenic hair gel. Trans fats. And high fructose corn syrup. Eventually, all these people died horribly, but while they lived, they were cool.
Quote from Everybody Hates Tattaglia
Ms. Morello: So, what can I do for you?
Chris: I need to change homerooms.
Ms. Morello: Oh, what's the problem?
Chris: Mr. Thurman hates me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.
Quote from Everybody Hates Homecoming
Chris: Greg, get up. I mean, I know getting kicked out of the Bronx Academy sucked, but things can work out.
Greg: Yeah, it's easy for you to say. You're not the one with the miserable life.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What show have you been on for the last three years?
Quote from Everybody Hates the Lottery
Chris: One-zero, sucka! ha!
Jorge: Good game, man. You should've bet me, though.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I had bet him, I couldn't help but think that this would've happened.
[fantasy: Julius, Rochelle and the family sit down to dinner:]
Julius: Ah, I'm hungry.
Rochelle: Looks, good, huh?
Julius: Who are you?
Jorge: I'm Jorge. I won your family from Chris playing Asteroids.
Rochelle: I told Chris to stay out of that store.
Jorge: Can you cook mofongo?
Julius: What'd you call her?
Rochelle: Come tu comida. [the family are confused] I was raised around Puerto Ricans.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Babysitter
Mario: I'm Mario. Is that my baby?
Chris: I don't know. Is it?
Mario: I know. He takes after his mom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We didn't know if it was his baby, either. But trust me, there ain't no Black man picking up a baby that ain't his.
Quote from Everybody Hates a Part Time Job
Rochelle: Well, what do you need a leather jacket for? What's wrong with Drew's old coat?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Instead of Drew wearing my old clothes, I wore his old clothes. I think I was the first kid to get hand-me-ups.
Quote from Everybody Hates Father's Day
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried to imagine doing the things that Greg talked about with my father. Like bringing him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Julius: Are you crazy? Boy, you better bring me some bacon.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about taking my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.
Julius: We paid $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even imagined us shooting off bottle rockets in front of the house. [bottle rocket whistling] [guns firing] [police officer shouting]
Julius: Run, boy, run!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if Greg's dad ever got shot at.