Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was looking for help, my Uncle Michael was looking for a free meal.
Michael: Big Man!
Drew: Hey, Uncle Mike.
Michael: Hey, I didn't know y'all was having dinner.
Julius: Why would you? It's only dinnertime.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Uncle Michael didn't have a job, so he was always free to stop by and free to eat some free food.
[montage:]
Michael: I didn't know y'all was having breakfast.
Michael: I didn't know y'all was having lunch.
Michael: I didn't know y'all was having pancakes.
Julius: We in a pancake house.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.
[flashback to Julius & Michael at a car lot:]
Julius: I like the Ford.
Uncle Mike: I like the Chevy.
[flashback to Julius & Michael in the subway looking at posters for museum exhibits:]
Julius: I want to go see Picasso.
Uncle Mike: I want to go see Matisse.
[flashback to Julius and Michael drinking beer on the stoop:]
Julius: Tastes great.
Uncle Mike: Less filling.

Julius: Um, Rochelle, even if we split this five ways, that's still a lot of money.
Maxine: Who's talking about splitting it?
Julius: Well, I just assumed we'd all chip in. I mean, it is your husband.
Michael: Julius, I want to help out.
Julius: What's this?
Michael: It's a baseball card. Al Oliver. He played in Pittsburgh. Lifetime .330 hitter. That card is going to be worth thousands of dollars someday.
Julius: How much is it worth now?
Michael: About a dollar.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing could spoil family time like a visit from my uncle Michael.
Michael: Big Man!
Julius: What's going on, Michael?
Michael: Beside momma being mad at me for eating all the Captain Crunch, nothing.

Rochelle: Michael, what are you doing here?
Michael: Stopping a home wrecker. You trying to break me and Momma up. It's time for her to come home. I'm hungry.

Michael: I use "I Can't Believe This Is Not Margarine." It tastes real great. Plus it has paudridridamadra-hydraglycerin. That saves cows.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] But sometimes the best deals are right under your nose.
Michael: This car is you, nephew! Let me take another picture. Yeah, you are hot! That's it right there, nephew, that's it. This is it.
Chris: I don't know. I think I want to look around a little bit more.
Michael: What for? That's a good car. Radio works, no dents, you got a spare in the back, and it only costs $300. Plus, you can't even see the hole in the backseat where the girl shot at me over a chicken sandwich. There's a lot of people pay a lot more money for a car like that.
Chris: Then why haven't you sold it already?
Michael: Classified ads are expensive. If you hadn't called me, I would've kept it for myself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And trade it to somebody for a sandwich.

Michael: Hey, man, you got that pen?
Drew: Uh, Mom's bringing one.
Tonya: Here, Drew, here's a pen.
Drew: Oh. Here you go, Uncle Michael.
Michael: Sweet! [Julius walks in] Big Man!
Julius: Hey, Michael. Here's that pen, Drew. [Drew hands it to Uncle Michael]
Michael: This house is full of pens!

Chris: So Uncle Mike, is your back still hurting?
Michael: Oh, yeah. My back has been out for 11 years. It's an old football injury.
Vanessa: I didn't know you played football.
Michael: I don't. I was watching football and fell off the couch.
Louis: Does your back hurt now?
Michael: Yeah.
Louis: Show me where.
Michael: Right here. Right back there.
Louis: Yeah, right, right, right there, huh? That's your L-5. I can fix that for you.
Michael: I don't know. I've been knowing a lot of doctors and they told me it was all chronic.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Chronic? What doctor has he been going to, Dr. Dre?
Louis: Doctors, they don't know what they're talking about. All right, here, here. Ready?
Michael: Oh, geez. I feel better.
Rochelle: Oh, good. Now you can get a job.
Michael: I'm not cured, Rochelle. It's just in remission.

Julius: Michael, I can't afford those tickets.
Michael: I'm not selling them. We're family. You can have them.
Julius: What's the catch?
Michael: No catch.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father would have accept free tickets to a funeral.
Julius: Box seats, huh?
Michael: Big Man, can I borrow forty dollars?
Julius: Michael, if you needed $40, why didn't you just sell me the tickets for $40?
Michael: That's against the law!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My uncle was a lazy bum, but he was honest.