Vanessa: I help the environment by wearing wigs. People put a whole lot of chemicals in their hair. Then they wash it out. It goes right into the river. People got to drink that water. When you done with a wig, just flush it down the toilet. If it ends up in your glass, well, at least you can see it.

Vanessa: Now, remember, don't move it.
Pam: Don't touch it.
Vanessa: Don't stick anything in it.
Pam: Don't scratch your head.
Vanessa: Don't move your eyebrows.
Pam: Don't shower.
Vanessa: Don't bathe.
Pam: Wash up.
Vanessa: And, most important of all, don't lie down.
Rochelle: Well, how am I supposed to sleep?
Vanessa: You're not supposed to sleep. You're a hair model.
Rochelle: Well, models sleep. They don't eat.
Vanessa: Not hair models. They eat, not sleep.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After giving it some thought, Vanessa decided to give my mom a piece of her mind.
Vanessa: Rochelle.
Rochelle: Ah, hey, Vanessa, what's up?
Vanessa: Well, you tell me. Why don't you think I'm good enough to go out with your brother?
Rochelle: I never said that.
Vanessa: I tell you what, Miss High and Mighty, when you figure out what you are trying to say, you call me at home and then say it. Until then, find somebody else to wax your mustache.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What about the soul patch?

Vanessa: You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Rochelle: Ah, dinner for six, that sounds nice.
Tonya: But there's only five of us.
Drew: Yeah. Maybe we can bring somebody.
Rochelle: Wait a minute now. This sounds like a nice place. We can't just bring anybody.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We thought about bringing Vanessa.
[fantasy:]
Vanessa: I dated a French guy once. I can't stand French food. I mean, hors d'oeuvres. Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? You got any chimichangas?

Vanessa: What were you doing? Aiding and abetting or something?
Peaches: Yeah, you know how that is.
Vanessa: Mmm.
Rochelle: You do?
Vanessa: It almost happened to me once. I was just sitting in a car.
Peaches: Supposed to be on a date?
Vanessa: Guy hops in with a bag of money...
Peaches: Talk about, "Drive!"
Vanessa: Drive? I hopped out and ran.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what you should've done.
Peaches: That's what I should've done.

Vanessa: Now he's staying with Lisa.
Pam: Light-skinned Lisa?
Vanessa: Bow-legged Lisa.
Rochelle: Wait a minute. I thought Lisa was with Darius.
Vanessa: She was, until Darius caught her with his brother.
Rochelle: The one with no job?
Vanessa: Yeah, yeah, him, yeah, and he married, too. A wife, a girlfriend, and no job. You know these men, they just ain't no good.
Rochelle: They ain't no good.
Pam: Get out of here.
Vanessa: Oh, I'd throw the hot grits.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya never listened to my mother until she heard something she wasn't supposed to.

White Cop: Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies... Let's put it to a vote.
Rochelle: Please.
White Cop: Okay.
Vanessa: Who made the pie?
Rochelle: I did.
Vanessa: I nominate Rochelle to be the first Block Watch captain.
Louise Clarkson: Uh-uh. No. You cannot nominate because she made some pie.
Jerome: It's some good pie.
Louise Clarkson: Shut up.

Vanessa: Well, then why did you let me go out with him?
Rochelle: I tried to talk you out of it!
Vanessa: No, you didn't. You said, "I don't think this is such a good idea."
Rochelle: Well, what was I supposed to say?
Vanessa: You supposed to say, "He broke, don't go out with him."
Rochelle: And that would make a difference?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not to Britney Spears.
Vanessa: Yeah, well, when I'm doing something stupid, you're supposed to stop me.
Rochelle: Well, don't blame me, heifer, you're a grown woman.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Believe it or not, that's how they made up.
Rochelle: You still got me on the books for Tuesday?
Vanessa: Does Diana Ross wear a wig?

Vanessa: I've decided to go with the one that is the most difficult technique-wise. Ah, ah. The Tsunami.
Rochelle: Whoa. You know what, I heard the last hairdresser who tried the Tsunami died.
Pam: No, actually, the hairdresser was fine. It was the model that died.
Rochelle: What?
Vanessa & Pam: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: Hairspray poison.
Rochelle: Wait a minute, what's this one?
Pam: Girl, that's the upside down cruise ship. You know, The Poseidon Adventure?
Vanessa: But we're not going to do that one. You know how hard it is to get 1,500 tiny little people made out of hair? It's a mess.
Pam: Wait a minute, I heard Jacquot LeBluke is competing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is a long, dramatic story about back-stabbing hairdressers that we've heard before. So we're going to move on.