Next Episode 

‘Everybody Hates the Pilot’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Pilot

101. Everybody Hates the Pilot

Aired September 22, 2005

After Chris and his family leave the projects for Bed-Stuy, he starts middle school in a predominantly white neighborhood.

Quote from Julius

Julius: I know you're not gonna threw that away. Eat that. That's 30 cents worth of oatmeal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father always knew what everything costs.
[montage:]
Julius: [retrieving a chicken wing from the trash] That's $1.09 in the trash.
Julius: [next to a tray of burnt biscuits] That's $2 on fire.
Julius: That's 49 cents of spilled milk dripping all over my table. Somebody's gonna drink this milk.

Rate

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: If I ever catch any of y'all spray painting on anybody's wall, I'm gonna put my foot so far up your behind, you'll have toes for teeth. Get inside.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's my mother Rochelle. She had a hundred recipes for whooping ass.
[montage:]
Rochelle: Boy, I will slap the caps off your knees.
Rochelle: I will knock you into last night.
Rochelle: I will slap your name out the phonebook and call Ma Bell and tell her I did it.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Everything okay at school?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights era. After hoses, tanks and dog bites on your ass, somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare.
Chris: Yeah, it was all right.
Julius: Good. I'll see you in the morning.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you". He was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning" meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you".
Julius: Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's 2 cents an hour.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was 13, my mother convinced my father to move us out of the projects. She always said project is just another word for experiment. In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Dad, can we stop at McDonald's?
Julius: You got some McDonald's money?
Rochelle: Julius, the kids have to eat.
Julius: They ain't got to eat McDonald's. We got some baloney in the back. I'll pull over.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father Julius always kept baloney handy just in case.
Julius: We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries, Chris, you can have the drink.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] One time I just got ice.

Quote from Julius

Chris: [v.o.] Since I was the oldest, I had to be the emergency adult.
[montage:]
Julius: If you smell smoke, and you think the house is gonna catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here.
Julius: If you smell gas and you think the house is gonna blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here.
Julius: If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Fortunately, the house never caught fire and neither did my brother.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. But I'm working hard trying to pay for this place, you know that.
Rochelle: Julius, just because you make money doesn't mean you know how to spend it. You gotta know how to work the system.
Julius: What system?
Rochelle: The debt system. I run this house like they run the country... on a deficit. Rent is due on the 3rd, I don't pay 'til the 9th because you don't get your check 'til the 7th. If you pay the light bill now, I won't have money for the groceries, the rent will be late and then you'll have to work overtime. You want to work overtime again, Julius? No, I don't think so. If we don't owe people money, we won't have any money at all.
Julius: Um... Why didn't you just say that then?
Rochelle: Because you didn't ask.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.
Chris: I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.
Julius: That was 89 cents worth of chicken. What? You didn't get enough to eat at school?
Chris: I was still hungry.
Julius: Now I'm still hungry. Look, next time, eat a little some extra breakfast, okay?
Chris: Okay.
Julius: Here. [hands Chris a note] Now, don't go pulling this money out. Somebody'll try to rob you. Don't tell your mother about this.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager.
[fantasy: Chris emerges from a limousine, a group of women chant his name as he makes his way into the club:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was gonna have women, money, stay out late. I thought it was gonna be the bomb.
Bouncer: 'sup?
Man: Chris!
Women: [chant] Chris! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Boy, was I wrong!
[reality:]
Rochelle: Chris! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! Disgusting!

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: How come he's wearing my shoes?
Rochelle: Because you only have one pair of feet.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Listen, when y'all get to the house, don't ring the bell or knock on the door. Just wait, okay?
Drew: Whatever.
Tonya: What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Chris: Go at school.
Tonya: That bathroom is so nasty.
Chris: Listen. You wake up Daddy, he's gonna punch me square in the face, and if he does that, I'm gonna punch you in the face, and then he's gonna kill me and wind up in jail. Now do you want daddy to go to jail?
Tonya: No.
Chris: No? All right then.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother thought going to a White school meant I would get a better education and I would be safer. Wrong! That's Joey Caruso. A little thug with a big chip on his shoulder. You know I manage to avoid him before I wore these shoes.
Joey Caruso: Nice shoes, Bojangles.
Chris: Bojangles? That's not what your mother called me when I was tap dancing in her drawers last night.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know you think I'm crazy. But if I let him get away with that, he'd be doing it all year. Now I couldn't beat him, but I thought maybe I could out-Black him.
Chris: What?
Chris: Did I stutter?
Joey Caruso: You know who I am?
Chris: You step on my shoe again and I'm gonna tell you who I am. I don't play that. I'm from Bed-Stuy, boy. I bring half of Marcy up in here. I will beat your butt so bad, you're gonna need crutches in your sleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, this might work.

Quote from Adult Chris

[As Caruso shoves Chris, he falls to the ground and lands on the feet of the principal, Dr. Raymond]
Dr. Raymond: What's your name?
Chris: Chris.
Dr. Raymond: I'm Dr. Raymond, your new principle. Now get off my feet. [Caruso laughs] That's funny? That's not funny. What's your name, son?
Joey Caruso: Caruso.
Dr. Raymond: Fix yourself up next time you come to my school. See those shoes? They say something. They say I'm a student, I want to learn. I want more of that. And less of this. [to Chris] Don't bump into me again.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though Caruso was messing with me, getting embarrassed made him even madder. So you know what's coming next...
Joey Caruso: This isn't over, nigger!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, he got away with calling me nigger that day. But later in life, he said it at a DMX concert and almost got stomped to death.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Keisha was the girl next door. At 13, I didn't know a lot about sex. But I knew she had something to do with it.
Keisha: Hey, Drew!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew?
Drew: What's up, Keisha?
Chris: You know her?
Drew: Yeah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew was so cool he got girls at 10 that I couldn't get until I was 30.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Haven't I told you "do not eat the big piece of chicken"?
Chris: But I was still hungry.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother wasn't really mad at me, she was looking out for my father.
Rochelle: You see how big he is?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She didn't want him to go to work hungry. Because if he goes to work hungry then he'll be grouchy. And if he's grouchy, he might call his boss Cracker. And if he calls his boss Cracker then we're livin' in the projects again.
Rochelle: But do not eat the biggest piece of chicken. Do you understand? At least, you didn't mess up these school shoes. Come over here and give me some sugar. Now go to bed.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We moved to an apartment in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. Now, had we known that Bed-Stuy would be the center of a crack epidemic, I guess we'd have picked some place else. Bed-Stuy even had its own motto: "Bed-Stuy, do or die".
Rochelle: Look at that! Look at that!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Those are some of the guys that are gonna die.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Mom, why is it that Drew and Tonya get to go to school in our own neighborhood but I have to go all way out to Brooklyn Beach?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Brooklyn Beach was a poor Italian neighborhood on the other side of town. It was just like Bed-Stuy, take away the gangs, add the mob.
Rochelle: Because the junior high school around here is like a hoodlum factory. And those White kids, they get an education.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not a Harvard type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store type education.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was never cool growing up. The coolest thing about me was this pair of white sneakers I had.
Rochelle: Oh, no, no, no, no. Boy, you're not going to school in no sneakers.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Believe it or not, there was a time where you couldn't wear sneakers everywhere.
Chris: Why? Everybody else wears sneakers.
Rochelle: Because you look raggedy. Plus, you have an assembly today. Boy, you have lost your mind.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother hated raggedy. She always said it's better to be poor and neat than rich and raggedy. I think she said that because we were poor.
Rochelle: Here. Wear Drew's good shoes.
Chris: I hate these shoes. And everybody will make fun of me at school.
Rochelle: You've only been going there for a week. You don't know everybody.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was the only Black kid at the school.
Chris: They know me.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had to take two buses to school everyday. Was the junior high school across the street really that bad? [gunshots] [children scream] Like rock 'n roll, school shootings were also invented by Blacks and stolen by the White man. My first bus was the 26. I read the newspaper every single day. I learnt more in the way to school than I learnt at school. My next bus was the 44. I was the only Black person on the bus. And nobody was sitting next to me. [Chris moves over to let a pregnant White woman sit down; she shakes her head and remains standing] I mean nobody. If you think she's mad now, wait 'til her daughter brings home O.J.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] You may not think messing up a pair of $40 shoes is such a big deal, but you have to realize that my father's car only cost $65. I had to get those shoes clean.

Next Page 

Next Episode 
  View another episode