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‘Everybody Hates the Pilot’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Pilot

101. Everybody Hates the Pilot

Aired September 22, 2005

After Chris and his family leave the projects for Bed-Stuy, he starts middle school in a predominantly white neighborhood.

Quote from Julius

Julius: I know you're not gonna threw that away. Eat that. That's 30 cents worth of oatmeal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father always knew what everything costs.
[montage:]
Julius: [retrieving a chicken wing from the trash] That's $1.09 in the trash.
Julius: [next to a tray of burnt biscuits] That's $2 on fire.
Julius: That's 49 cents of spilled milk dripping all over my table. Somebody's gonna drink this milk.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: If I ever catch any of y'all spray painting on anybody's wall, I'm gonna put my foot so far up your behind, you'll have toes for teeth. Get inside.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's my mother Rochelle. She had a hundred recipes for whooping ass.
[montage:]
Rochelle: Boy, I will slap the caps off your knees.
Rochelle: I will knock you into last night.
Rochelle: I will slap your name out the phonebook and call Ma Bell and tell her I did it.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Everything okay at school?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights era. After hoses, tanks and dog bites on your ass, somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare.
Chris: Yeah, it was all right.
Julius: Good. I'll see you in the morning.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you". He was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning" meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you".
Julius: Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's 2 cents an hour.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Dad, can we stop at McDonald's?
Julius: You got some McDonald's money?
Rochelle: Julius, the kids have to eat.
Julius: They ain't got to eat McDonald's. We got some baloney in the back. I'll pull over.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father Julius always kept baloney handy just in case.
Julius: We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries, Chris, you can have the drink.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] One time I just got ice.

Quote from Julius

Chris: [v.o.] Since I was the oldest, I had to be the emergency adult.
[montage:]
Julius: If you smell smoke, and you think the house is gonna catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here.
Julius: If you smell gas and you think the house is gonna blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here.
Julius: If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Fortunately, the house never caught fire and neither did my brother.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. But I'm working hard trying to pay for this place, you know that.
Rochelle: Julius, just because you make money doesn't mean you know how to spend it. You gotta know how to work the system.
Julius: What system?
Rochelle: The debt system. I run this house like they run the country... on a deficit. Rent is due on the 3rd, I don't pay 'til the 9th because you don't get your check 'til the 7th. If you pay the light bill now, I won't have money for the groceries, the rent will be late and then you'll have to work overtime. You want to work overtime again, Julius? No, I don't think so. If we don't owe people money, we won't have any money at all.
Julius: Um... Why didn't you just say that then?
Rochelle: Because you didn't ask.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.
Chris: I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.
Julius: That was 89 cents worth of chicken. What? You didn't get enough to eat at school?
Chris: I was still hungry.
Julius: Now I'm still hungry. Look, next time, eat a little some extra breakfast, okay?
Chris: Okay.
Julius: Here. [hands Chris a note] Now, don't go pulling this money out. Somebody'll try to rob you. Don't tell your mother about this.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was 13, my mother convinced my father to move us out of the projects. She always said project is just another word for experiment. In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager.
[fantasy: Chris emerges from a limousine, a group of women chant his name as he makes his way into the club:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was gonna have women, money, stay out late. I thought it was gonna be the bomb.
Bouncer: 'sup?
Man: Chris!
Women: [chant] Chris! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Boy, was I wrong!
[reality:]
Rochelle: Chris! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! Disgusting!

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: How come he's wearing my shoes?
Rochelle: Because you only have one pair of feet.

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