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‘Everybody Hates Kris’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Kris

210. Everybody Hates Kris

Aired December 11, 2006

Julius and Chris both get jobs at the mall to help pay for Christmas presents. Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya are being super helpful in the hope of getting more presents.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: We can't even have one gift?
Julius: You live your whole life here for free. Tonya, you get gifts every day. Food is a gift. The heat is a gift. Your shoes are a gift. This house is a gift. Those frames on the walls are a gift. The magazines are a gift. That ashtray is a gift. This lampshade is a gift. [Rochelle sits down] That chair is a gift. This pillow is a gift. The remote control is a gift. The TV is a gift. [Rochelle turns the TV on] This carpet is a gift. The pink carpet in your room is a gift. That...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Being able to cut out of this scene is a gift.

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Okay, okay. This time, sing it with feeling. You're singing about an impoverished family, living in the ghetto, who gave birth to their firstborn child in a manger. Chris, you can relate to this, can't you?
Chris: Not really.

Quote from Julius

Julius: So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?
Girl: A Malibu Barbie with a pink, remote-control Corvette, the Barbie townhouse, and the Barbie swimming pool.
Julius: Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?
Girl: No.
Julius: Well, Santa's going to tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?
Girl: No.
Julius: Well, neither does Santa.
Girl: [cries]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Welcome to my world, kid.

Quote from Julius

[montage:] Julius: [to a blind boy] Eyesight? Hmm, that sounds expensive.
Julius: Do you know how much a puppy costs?
Julius: Does that come with a easy-to-pay gas bill?
Julius: Do you know they cost as much as a real car?
Julius: Now, how you going to pay for this eyesight?
Julius: Do you really want your parents to work themselves to the bone just to get you a train set you're going to quit playing with after a week?
Julius: What if this puppy grows up, gets rabies, bites somebody?
Julius: And you ain't going to be satisfied with just one Hot Wheel. No, you going to want the whole collection of 'em.
Julius: Can you afford a lawsuit?
Julius: Now, do you really want your daddy to take out a loan, just so you can get some Hot Wheels?
Julius: You going to bankrupt your whole family just so you can get a puppy?
Julius: If you're good, Santa will send you a train token, and you can take the subway downtown and get a job for Christmas.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Chris: [sneezes]
Joey Caruso: I'm warning you.
Ms. Morello: Bless you. Oh, poor Chris. Winters can be so tough when you can't afford heat.
Chris: I've got heat.

Quote from Doc

Chris: So, Doc, what are you doing for the holidays?
Doc: Well, I'm not falling into that Christmas trap, that's for sure.
Chris: What Christmas trap?
Doc: Commercializing Christmas. People buyin' things they can't afford, being broke before the year come in. Uh-uh, not me.
Chris: So you don't celebrate Christmas?
Doc: Oh, I celebrate Christmas. I love me some Christmas. It's supposed to be Jesus' birthday. So I say a prayer. Happy birthday, Jesus. And I have a piece of cake. This year is seven-layer chocolate cake. [Chris sneezes] Boy, cover your mouth. Stop sneezing on Jesus.

Quote from Drew

Rochelle: Hi, baby! Merry Christmas!
Chris: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Tonya: It's Christmas, stupid.
Rochelle: Well, you didn't think we'd want to leave you here by yourself, did you? I didn't think you'd want to be here.
Drew: Without you, there would be no Christmas. It'd just be a "tmas."

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For me, this was going to be the best Christmas ever. Because I was working at Doc's, I could afford actual presents for my family, not the crappy kind kids make.
[montage:]
Rochelle: A Play-doh skillet. You shouldn't have.
Julius: Papier-mache work boots. I love it.
Julius: What's this, a fruitcake?
Chris: No, it's a vegetable cake.
Rochelle: I ain't eating that.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whenever Christmas came around, my father always picked up extra work, so he could afford presents.
Julius: Christmas tree?
White Man: No, thank you.
Julius: Hanukkah bush?
Rabbi: No, thanks.
Julius: Kwanzaa stump?
Black Man: What'd you call me, man?!
Julius: Hey, uh, free trees, man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They didn't always work out, but he never stopped trying.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew and Tonya hadn't been on their best behavior all year, so they decided to try to make up for it by helping my mother during the holidays. It was kind of like campaigning for gifts. They helped with cleaning.
Rochelle: Move, boy. [laughs at the TV]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They helped with cooking.
Drew: After this, I can take out the trash.
Tonya: And I can help you with the dishes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They even tried to help with things my mother didn't want help with.
Drew & Tonya: [holding a towel and a loofah] You need any help?
Rochelle: [o.s.] No!
Drew: You sure?
Rochelle: [o.s.] No, boy! Get away from the damn door.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After he said that, I started to think about things you couldn't put on layaway.
[fantasy:]
Man: You took out my kidney?
Doctor: Yeah, but we got you a new kidney out of layaway! Merry Christmas.
[fantasy:]
Man: What happened to my leg?!
Surgeon: We had to cut it off. But we got you one out of layaway! Merry Christmas!
[fantasy:]
Woman: Doctor, is my boy going to make it?
Doctor: No. But we've got another one on layaway!
Woman: Bobby!
Doctor: Merry Christmas!
Woman: Thank you.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Christmas in Bed-Stuy was a magical time. There was snow, there were twinkling lights. Something about the holidays brought out the best in people. People in the neighborhood were more generous...
Risky: Merry Christmas, here's your scarf. I threw in a free gift wrapping. Here's your insulation. All right, hey, watch your step. Happy holidays.
Woman: Thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They seemed more concerned about the needy...
Mr. Omar: I know you lost your man, Mrs. Roberts. But with a body like that, I know Santa's going to bring you another one.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And everyone had that Christmas spirit.
Kill Moves: This Christmas tree, $5.00.
Man: Hey, hey, hey! Give me that money! [Kill Moves squeals]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even if it belonged to somebody else.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Holiday cheer was going all around. But there was something else going around the city: the flu.
Drew: Ma, do we have to wear all this stuff?
Rochelle: Yes. There's a bad strain of the flu going around and I don't need anybody getting sick. Feel like my throat is a little scratchy.
Tonya: But we already got our flu shots.
Rochelle: You did, but Chris didn't. Chris, I want you to meet me after school so you can get yours. But in the meantime, I want you to stay away from other kids. Don't touch anything. Don't even breathe unless you have to. Now go. Go, go, go.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If it was up to my mother, she would've sent me to school like this.
[fantasy: Chris is at his desk enclosed in a perspex box with an air vent]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Looks like I should be selling subway tokens.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At school, the holiday brought out the school choir.
[Chris sneezes while the choir sings "Silent Night"]
Joey Caruso: Pull it together, Smokey. I don't want to be here all day.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I can't get sick. I need to work, so I can get my presents out of layaway. This year, I went all out. I got everybody something that they really wanted.
Greg: Well, like what?
[montage:]
Tonya: A Billy Ocean tea set! Thanks, Chris.
Drew: A Wayne Gretzky hockey game! Thanks, Chris.
Julius: The Young and the Restless soundtrack featuring "Nadia's Theme"?! Thanks, Chris.
Drew: Patti Labelle's "New Attitude" perfume?! Thank you, Chris.

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