Quote from Everybody Hates Funerals
Maxine: Mmm. Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I might be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.
Maxine: Are you going to sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[fantasy: Chris sits on a couch with a White family:]
Mother: Who are you?
Chris: You don't want to know.
Quote from Everybody Hates Houseguests
Chris: Well, nobody wakes me up. Nobody puts chocolate on my pillow. If I took a half-hour shower singing "That's What Friends Are For," and you had to pee, you would smack the crack out of my behind.
Rochelle: Okay, watch yourself, boy.
Quote from Everybody Hates Minimum Wage
Julius: You can't just quit every time you don't like something. I mean, what if Miles Davis had quit the trumpet?
Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.B. King quit "Lucille"? What if Paul Robeson quit "Old Man River"? [time lapse] What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr. T quit pitying the fool? What if Stevie quit wondering? What if Fat Albert quit The Cosby Kids. [time lapse] What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doing the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit The Supremes?
Julius: Diana Ross did quit the Supremes.
Chris: You get my point.
Julius: Just go get a job.
Quote from Everybody Hates Varsity Jackets
Ms. Morello: So, what have you prepared for us, Chris?
Chris: I would like to do a selection from Uncle Ben's Cabin.
Ms. Morello: You mean Uncle Tom's Cabin?
Chris: No. Uncle Ben's. It's a lesser known work by Mark Twain's cousin, Dwayne.
Ms. Morello: Dwayne Twain?
Ms. Morello: Go ahead.
Chris: Rice, rice, rice. You think all I knows is rice? I was there when George Washington Carver shucked that first peanut. I make yams and corn and cotton, but all America wants is them little grains of rice. I gives and I gives, till I can't gives no more. Still I rise.
Ms. Morello: Oh, Chris, I have just the part for you in our next production.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Gout
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could usually get a good grade just by talking about Dr. Martin Luther King.
Martin Luther King: [film] Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In English class...
Chris: My book report is on Dr. Martin Luther King.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In history...
Chris: My history report is on the Birmingham Bus Boycott led by Dr. Martin Luther King.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only place Martin Luther King didn't work was in math.
Ms. Morello: Chris, what's the square root of 144?
Chris: 1963? The same year that Dr. Martin Luther King led the March on Washington?
Ms. Morello: No, it's 12.
Quote from Everybody Hates Elections
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After researching some of the greatest speeches ever, I tried a few on for size.
Chris: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth to this country a... [Greg shakes his head] Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Don't vote for him, vote for me.
Greg: Come on. This is serious.
Chris: I am not a crook. [holds up two fingers on each hand]
Greg: Come on. Now you're just making stuff up.
Chris: Once you go Black, you never go back.
Greg: Are you trying to get us killed?
Chris: Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, and segregation forever!
Greg: What are you thinking?
Greg: I think we've looked at every speech in every book here.
Chris: Maybe I should just say, "Vote for me. You know I won't kick the crap out of you."
Quote from Everybody Hates Elections
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I didn't have a speech, I did have something to say.
Chris: When I decided to run for eighth grade class president, I was running for a lot of different reasons. What I never really asked myself was, did I really want to be class president? Well, I do. You know, I don't know what I can do as class president, but this is what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to try to get you lockers with combinations that work. I'm tired of coming in to my locker and seeing that everything I own is gone. I'm going to try to get you textbooks from this decade. I've got a textbook that says Dwight Eisenhower's president. Who is Dwight Eisenhower? I don't know. And what about that lunch room food? I had some Jell-O last week that was harder than the bowl. And what's with all the salami? Did someone vote for salami? Do we have any bologna? Ham? Can I get a slice of cheese? And if we have hot dogs on Tuesday, I don't want to have hot dog casserole Wednesday and Thursday and then franks and beans on Friday. [applause] Change it up! And do we have to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day? It's a pledge. We can say it once. What, they don't trust us or something? [applause] And how about we get field trips to places where people actually want to go? I'm not going to the botanical gardens one more time. How about Coney Island? Or Times Square? Let's go see the Knicks. Let's go see the Yankees. Heck, I'll even go see Cats. But if I go to the botanical gardens one more time, I'm gonna slap the sap out of somebody. Now I know it's been a long time coming, but as your eighth grade class president I promise you a change is gonna come. My name is Chris, and I'm running for your eighth grade class president.
Kids: [chant] Chris! Chris! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was great to hear a crowd say my name and not follow it with, "Let's get him."
Quote from Everybody Hates Promises
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was elected president at Corleone, my school was way ahead of its time. The rest of the country didn't get a Black president until Clinton. Like all presidents, I had made campaign promises that were gonna be hard to keep.
Chris: I promise you, no more rope climbing in gym unless your favorite sport is climbing rope.
Chris: I promise, no more homework on Saturday, unless you gotta be in school on Sunday.
Chris: I promise all our book reports will be on books that were made into movies.
Chris: I promise you rubber floors, so that when the bully knocks you down, you'll bounce right back up.
Chris: We've got spring break, we've got summer break, what about a fall break and a winter break? I don't want to come to school when it's hot, so why would I have to come to school when it's cold?
Quote from Everybody Hates Superstition
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had no idea what to say. Without my lucky socks and without studying I was in big, big trouble.
Chris: Um... Many people think that when you succeed against all odds it's by luck. Well, I don't believe in luck. At least not anymore. [clears throat] I mean, was- Was it lucky- Was it lucky when when Rocky beat Mr. T? No, he prepared for it. He prepared by beating Apollo Creed. So now who pities the fool? I mean, was it lucky when Indiana Jones saved those kids from the Temple of Doom? No, he prepared. He prepared by saving the world in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I mean, if you could save the whole world, it's not going to be too hard to save a couple of kids. Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No, 'cause he didn't defeat the planes. They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building. Now if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing a White girl around, he would be alive to this very day. Many people believe that you can succeed against all odds. I don't believe that. I believe the odds are, that if you don't prepare, you won't succeed.
Ms. Morello: Yes! Yes! Yes! [applauase]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It turns out I didn't need lucky socks. All I needed was to listen to my father.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor
Mr. Abbott: Okay, let's start. Father.
Mr. Abbott: Mother.
Mr. Abbott: Excuse me?
Chris: Sorry. I was still on "father."
Mr. Abbott: Thank God. I thought you had a bald mother.