Monk Quotes Page 1 of 2

Quote from Everybody Hates Eggs

Monk: What you got in this bag, boy? What kind of rations you got?
Chris: Careful! It's not lunch. It's an egg.
Monk: Hey, man, what's that, a booby trap or something, man?! You trying to kill me?They must have sent you to kill me, didn't they? You been ordered by my commanding officers, huh?
Chris: No, it's my class project. I'm supposed to take care of it like it's a baby for a week. And if anything happens to it, I get an "F."
Monk: What you mean, "If anything happens"? I'll tell you what happens. Try landing a helicopter at night in the middle of a sandstorm in the Iranian desert. "If anything happens." What if they don't tell you there's a sandstorm, huh? "If anything happens." What if your commanding officer doesn't tell you you'll be taking fire from the left or to the right or there's even going to be a sandstorm? "If anything happens." It's because you're commanding officer sent you on a mission that he knew was going to fail! "If anything happens." Boy, if all you got to do is take that egg and carry that egg around for one week and keep it alive? Boy, you don't know how good you got it. [scoffs] "If anything happens."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What you talking about, Monk?
Chris: Sure do hope you're right.

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Quote from Everybody Hates Eggs

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc was out of town, so he left his nephew Monk to watch the store.
Monk: I'm closing at 1900 hours, so keep sweeping and finish stocking the shelves.
Chris: 1900 hours?
Monk: It's seven o'clock. Don't your parents teach you anything?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Monk had been part of a famous failed military operation in the early '80s and was very suspicious of authority.
[flashback:]
Elevator Operator: Watch the closing doors.
Monk: Now, why should I believe these doors are going to close? Because you said so? Well, what if they don't? Then what? Are you gonna issue me a public apology? Do I get to hire me a new elevator operator? And what about all the other men and women that died because of these supposedly-closing doors?

Quote from Everybody Hates the Last Day

Adult Chris: [v.o.] With only four days of school left to get Caruso, I needed a crazy revenge plan, so I asked a crazy person.
Chris: Hey, you know anything about revenge?
Monk: One time in this third world country, I helped install this puppet regime for this dictator's ex-wife after a coup, just so she could stop him from getting his favorite suits.
Chris: So that's a yes?
Monk: I don't know what you're talking about.
Chris: Okay. Well, there's this kid Caruso. He's been picking on me all year long and I just want to get even.
Monk: You want to know how to do it? If he pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send his to the morgue. Now, you do that, and that will end your problems with Caruso.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Crips and Bloods tried that. Never quite seemed to work out.

Quote from Everybody Hates Back Talk

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was teaching me a lesson about life, Mr. Omar was giving out lessons about death.
Monk: And I also will take that helmet and those death darts.
Mr. Omar: That's a Crock-Pot and pens, man.
Monk: Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.
Mr. Omar: Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you? Bye.

Quote from Everybody Hates the Last Day

Chris: I just want him to stop picking on me.
Monk: Okay, well, what do you know about him?
Chris: Well, he likes to beat me up.
Monk: What else?
Chris: Call me names.
Monk: Is that all you know about him?
Chris: Pretty much.
Monk: Well, then, that's your problem. First rule of combat: know your enemy. Man, revenge is like a good pair of night vision goggles. If they're not made just for you, they're never going to work, and you're going to wind up shooting your platoon leader in the neck by accident. Now, if you want to get this revenge on this Caruso, you got to study him. You got to find out his strengths and weaknesses. You got to design something especially for him. Remember this: revenge is a dish best served cold.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought that was meatloaf.
Chris: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So now the plan was "Operation Get To Know Caruso."

Quote from Everybody Hates Gretzky

Monk: Missing, huh? It sounds to me like they're caught behind enemy lines. Don't worry. This is nothing a recon mission can't fix.
[Rochelle gasps as Monk cocks a gun and then pulls out a tray of armaments.]
Monk: Right. Take that. Here you go. All right, let's go. Come on. Let's go.
[Monk hands Tonya a machine gun and picks up a rocket launcher]
Julius: Hey, wait, wait! Hey, hey, boys! I think I see 'em after all. There we go. Let's leave the nice man alone. Thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We could use him in Iraq.

Quote from Everybody Hates Baseball

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Me and Drew had never been inside Earl's bar. It was a place where men got together to act like men.
Mr. Omar: Hitter's got a full count.
Julius: That don't mean nothing.
Mr. Omar: I'll tell you what it means. It's going to be tragic.
Monk: Tragic? Want to hear about something tragic? You ever been lost in the Peruvian Jungle with a mine stuck to your butt?
Julius: Man, will you be quiet and watch the game?

Quote from Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad

Risky: Man, thanks for inviting us over, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't invite you over.
James: Hey, man, you aren't trying to talk to Tasha, are you?
Chris: Yeah, kind of.
Monk: Well, if that's the case, man, why don't you just give me the say-so. I'll clear these people out of here in seconds. See, I carry a container of napalm, just for such emergencies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was tempted to take him up on it.

Quote from Everybody Hates the Substitute

Monk: What's up with you, man? You been looking kind of tired lately.
Chris: Let me ask you a question. How do you get rid of somebody that's been giving you problems?
Monk: Now, when you say "get rid of," do you mean get "rid" of "rid of," or just rid of?
Chris: Just get rid of. He has a job, and I don't want him to have it.
Monk: Boy, you better watch what you're talking about! You make a mistake. You want to talk about this first, or what?!
Chris: I didn't touch you. It's my substitute teacher.
Monk: Oh. Oh. Well, then, in that case, what do you know about him?
Chris: Well, mostly just this.
Monk: What is this?
Chris: His resume.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While the ghetto Rambo worked with me, the ghetto Gretzky worked on my ma.

Quote from Everybody Hates Baseball

Monk: Well, what's to decide? Is she cute?
Chris: It's Tasha.
Monk: Tasha! That was the code name to my first field exercise in Qatar. Man, forget that game. They play 180 games a year, every year. That girl asked you out once. Now don't expect her to do it twice. Anyway... I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.
Chris: Why not?
Monk: Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quang Ngai Province.
Chris: Was your dad in Vietnam?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nope. Queens.
Monk: I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.

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