Andy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Erin: Every martini has an olive.
Andy: Okay. Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Kevin: I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take an apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.

Kevin: [to Robert] Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool?
Oscar: Kevin, no.
Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah?
Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.
Robert: You know, I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.
Kevin: Hey, Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?
Oscar: That, was you, Kevin.
Kevin: It was me.

Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.
Val: No, I'm good. Thank you.
Darryl: Cool.
Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim?
Kevin: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.

Kevin: Ooh, did I win the pool?
Erin: Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.
Oscar: Well, no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.
Erin: We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Phyllis: Oh, I'd love to but, um-
Jim: Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.
Oscar: Well, Kevin and I have to go, 'cause accounting is its own little family.
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

Kevin: Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something...
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.
Andy: Thank you.
Kevin: When do we leave?
Andy: Thank you.

Lady: Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?
Andy: [deep voice] I think you guys might have the wrong office.
Girl: That's him. The guy I hit.
Darryl: What?
Oscar: You've gotta be kidding me.
Kevin: Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?
Oscar: No, Kevin.

Darryl: [to Kevin] What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.
Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah.
Kevin: That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.
Darryl: Thank you.
Toby: I'm- I'm not gonna comment on my personal life.

Darryl: [in a feminine voice] Hi. This is Alex.
Toby: [in feminine voice] And this is Sam.
Darryl: [in a feminine voice] Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us.
Kevin: Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.
Darryl: I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.
Toby: Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.
Kevin: Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?

Angela: No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Okay, look. He's such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants.
Kevin: I'll take him.
Angela: Please, after the turtle?
Kevin: I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!

Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Angela: Ew.
Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin: And John Wayne?
Andy: No. Not that I see here.
Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy: You mean Dwayne? And no.