Kelly: [to Erin] No really? Is there time to change this?! That show! Now first they say that Mr. Schu doesn't know anything about choreography, then like three episodes later he's this fantastic choreographer?! Pick a lane people!
[later, to camera]
Kelly: And what was with Jesse's sudden turn on Rachel, between Dream-On and Funk. Where the heck did that come from?! Honestly that show, it's just. It's irresponsible.

Kelly: Okay, they did Blinded by the Light and they did it with an actual blind guy. Was it worth it Jim? 'Cause we missed it!

Kelly: It's present time, you guys. Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.
Gabe: We just want to say how grateful we are.
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, "Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do."

Michael Scott: I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.
Kelly: Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You're re-gifting this to me.
Michael Scott: No, that's not- No, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.
Kelly: Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.
Michael Scott: [hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That...
Kelly: This is a fast food receipt from April.
Michael Scott: Well, that...
Kelly: God, how many number nines did you order?

Pam: So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before? Uh, a law office?
Jordan: No, Anthropology. "We don't have this in that size..." Pretty lame.
Kelly: Lame? You worked at Anthropology?
Jordan: Yeah.
Kelly: That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job?
Jordan: Well, I um-
Kelly: You chose this job over that job?
Ryan: Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today.

Kelly: Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word?
Jo: Okay.
Kelly: Uh, can it be in private? [to Gabe] Don't worry, it's not about you. [Gabe smiles and leaves] As Minority Executive, I think it's my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross. I don't think it's professional that he was sleeping with the receptionist, and then when Erin dumped him, so that she could be with Andy, he became a total crazy stalker psycho.
Jo: Welcome to Scranton, Jo. Land of a thousand problems only you can fix.

Jim: Well, that was quick.
Kelly: Very, very interesting. And you know what? I'm impressed.
Jim: He's not a real candidate.
Kelly: I don't know, Jim, 'cause, makes me think about something my grandfather used to say, which is that, sometimes, the hand that jumps out of the grave and grabs you around the throat; that is the hand that you want on the wheel.
Jim: You took the deal.
Kelly: Yeah, it was a great deal.
Jim: That's not okay.
Kelly: I don't know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me, and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately. What do you think, Toby?
Toby: Well, we could try him out for a little while and if it doesn't work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in...
Jim: What is happening right now?

Oscar: Okay, we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Andy: Oscar, it's not that hot out.
Darryl: A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Andy: Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight.
Kelly: So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?

Kelly: [sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww!
Pam: Kelly, calm down.
Kelly: I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs.
Pam: I don't think Jim cares about his hair.
Kelly: Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person.

Phyllis: Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?
Stanley: That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.
Kevin: Ron Artest, Kelly.
Kelly: No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big story line on Chloe and Lamar.
Host: All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. "Lamar Odom" is what we were looking for. "Lamar Odom" Thank you.
Jim: Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes.
Kevin: Nicely done!