Sue: Isn't Reverend Timtom amazing?
Brick: Eh, beats grocery shopping with mom. Ever since I outgrew the cart, it is much harder to read and walk.
Reverend TimTom: Hey there, Brick. Can we rap a sec?
Sue: I can rap a second, Reverend Timtom. What's up?
Reverend TimTom: Hello, Sue Heck. I actually have a question for Brick. You know, our Christmas pageant's coming up... "JC's Rockin' Birthday Jam." And I'd sure dig it if you'd be one of my wise men. 'Cause, Brick, you're the wisest man I know.
Brick: Hmm. Well, it is the holiday season, and I'm not as busy as I'd like to be, so, sure.

Reverend TimTom: Holidays can be a stressful time.
Mike: So I hear.
Reverend TimTom: You know, Mike, I get the sense that something's weighing on your mind. You know, I'm a pretty good listener.
Mike: No. I'm good.
Reverend TimTom: Dealing with family can be tough.
Mike: Oh, yeah? I hadn't really thought about it.
Reverend TimTom: But you know, you don't have to do it alone.
Mike: Alone's fine.
Reverend TimTom: I'm talking 'bout kickin' it upstairs to a different department. [plays guitar and sings] Talk to the man upstairs He'll listen to your prayers Instead of just saying grace Before you stuff your face Talk to the man upstairs Try a prayer All lines open 24/7. [plays guitar riff]
Mike: Okay. Yeah. Thanks, but the Colts are rebuilding, and I don't want to distract him from that.
Reverend TimTom: You know, he's a pretty good multitasker. I bet he could handle you and the Colts. Just something to think about, Mike.
Mike: Will do. Brick! I'm just gonna go get him.

Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] You think it might be fierce To get your lip or eyebrow pierced But that process isn't very clean It can get infected, mm-hmm A temporary tattoo is a fun way to rebel And good old-fashioned brooding Gets the job done just as well So think before you ink [plays riff] [talks] Don't deface your body just to get back at your parents. That ain't cool.

Reverend TimTom: Whoa, Samson.
Sue: Reverend TimTom.
Reverend TimTom: What you doing, Sue Heck?
Sue: I let you down, Reverend TimTom. I tried to be happy for them, but I'm still jealous. Maybe I'm just not meant to drive. My drive to drive drove my friends away, so I am done being that driven to drive. I have decided I am not gonna get my license.
Reverend TimTom: Let me ask you something. When you take a test at school, and you don't have all the answers, do you just get up and walk away?
Sue: No. I would never. I always answer what I can. I can still get partial credit.
Reverend TimTom: Exactly. The Sue Heck I know doesn't quit after just five tries. Now hop on.
Sue: Where are we going?
Reverend TimTom: You'll see. [Sue climbs on] Hyah!

Sue: You're right. What is wrong with me? I'm a monster.
Reverend TimTom: [chuckles] Well, the thing is, Sue Heck... Oh. I don't have my guitar. Huh. Well, I'll just tell you. Uh, feeling good for your friends can be tough sometimes, especially when things aren't falling into place for you. But the thing to remember is, doesn't cost you anything to feel good for somebody else.
Sue: Oh, wow. That is so good. Hold on. I'm gonna write this down.
Reverend TimTom: And remember, you're not alone.
Sue: I know. I have my friends.
Reverend TimTom: No, I'm talking about the big B.F.F. He was always right there with you, and it's okay to let him take the wheel sometimes. Darn it. "Ridin' Shotgun with the Savior." It's the perfect song for this moment. Crackers and toast, where is that guitar? Would you hang out for just a sec till I find it?
Sue: I don't have a license. Where am I gonna go?

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, we all have our heroes, but for Sue Heck, there was one hero more super than all the rest.
Reverend TimTom: [sings and plays guitar] Be careful on the internet That skater boy that you just met Might be a lonely convict in a penitentiary Be careful on the world wide web Be certain of your Facebook friends That dream boat you're in love with might not exist You've been catfished [talks] Hello, my friends.
Sue: [to a boy] Isn't he amazing? Nobody gets us like he does. [chuckles]
Reverend TimTom: As you know, I've spent the last few months roving the Great Plains with my new seminar "Teens 'n Screens, What Would Jesus Tweet?" [Sue giggles] Well, my travels took me to the upper Peninsula of Michigan, where I crossed paths with somebody I think is pretty great, and I'm guessing you will, too. So, everybody give it up for my dear friend, Reverend Tammy!
Reverend Tammy: [plays guitar and sings] Jesus said in the Bible "I am who am" So if you IM Jesus, you'll know it's really him Look up from your cellphones, turn your computers off Cut the cord You don't need a modem to e-mail the Lord Be careful on the internet You have no idea who you just met Be careful on the internet It's probably a weirdo, you can bet...

Frankie: Hey, Mike. Look who's here... Reverend TimTom. Hey, why don't you entertain him while I go look for the stuff to donate to the church rummage sale that he drove all the way here to get?
Reverend TimTom: So, how's it going, Mike?
Mike: Ah, it goes.
Reverend TimTom: Well, I'm glad to hear it's going. Me? I'm going, too. Been at a charity car wash all weekend... Suds for the Savior. Biggest car wash in the history of Iowa. Even baptized a couple of kids in a soap bucket.
Mike: That's great. Good for them.
Reverend TimTom: So... No problems? Life treating you okay?
Mike: Yep. A-okay.

Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] You know, the same God made both cow and man From similar but utterly different plans But cows don't turn on each other when one says boo They share the field and make methane while they moo We can learn a lot from our bovine friends Our spots might be different, but our future depends On herding together and getting along That's what makes us Orson strong [cheers and applause] That's right. Orson strong.

Reverend TimTom: I've actually got a great song for just such an occasion... about two little scamps called Cain and Abel. [plays guitar and sings] Oh, Cain and Abel
Nancy: Not now. Sheriff?
Sheriff Dugan: Well, I don't know. If says that Donald did what he's accused of, then a reward might...
Axl: I'm telling you I know he didn't do it.
Nancy: How do you know that? [Axl whispers in Nancy's ear] [gasps] Okay, in light of new information, we're gonna wrap this up. Thanks for coming, everyone. Play us out. Play us out.
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] Cain and Abel fought terribly
Sue: What's going on?
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] In fact, they needed anger-management therapy 'Cause when Abel said, "Just you wait till God gets home" Cain hit him in the head with a great big stone Not cool They should've just talked it out Brothers and sisters, just talking it out

Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] It's the Wilderness Jesus Jam We'll learn about God and how beavers build dams We'll eat loaves and catch fishes Then clean up our dishes 'Cause bears eat kids and clergymen "Don't put your God to the test" Jesus said to the devil in the wilderness Don't forget to pack bug spray, Bibles, and Bactine And always go to the bathroom downstream That's important.