Mike: All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now? I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?
Judge: Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me. I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.
Frankie: No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right. Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs? There are real crimes out there. Real crimes. Do we even know what happened to this book? It's not in our house. It could've been stolen. My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.
Judge: It says here it's Stormy Moon, $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."
Frankie: Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?
Judge: Next case.

Mike: Wait, they're arresting people for overdue library books now? That's ridiculous.
Frankie: You know what I find ridiculous? You all sitting here eating dinner while I rot in jail!
Axl: So, Mom went to the slammer. You all thought it'd be me first, but it was Mom. It's hilarious.
Frankie: Yes. It is hilarious. I don't know which part was the most hilarious. Maybe when they fingerprinted me, or maybe when they took my mug shot, or maybe it was all those hours spent sitting on a very cold bench waiting for my family to come and pick me up, 'cause there's no way they could possibly be sitting around the kitchen table, scarfing pizza, forgetting they even have a mother!
Axl: My phone's on vibrate.
Sue: I'm so sorry!
Mike: Battery's dead.
Brick: Hey, whatever happened to my phone?

Frankie: Oh, come on. Did you seriously just check out another library book?
Brick: In fact, I did. [holds up a copy of Stormy Moon] I found a copy in the Jasper County branch. I have to say, when the judge read that plot summary, it really piqued my interest. Turns out it's a real page turner.
Brick: [v.o.] The time had come for Lorenzo to drift again. He would forever remain a beautiful mystery.
Axl: What does this mean? Am I the fish or the crown, and what about that green thing? What even is that green thing?
Mike: I got no idea what I'm looking at. Seems like you guys could've talked about things in the time it took her to paint this.
Brick: [v.o.] She knew she would miss his stolen kisses, but would always treasure the happiness he helped her feel inside. [Reverends TimTom and Tammy kiss] But sadly, what is borrowed must always be returned, and there is always a price to pay in the end.
Brick: Oh, snap! She jumped off a cliff. Did not see that coming.