Sue: You told Axl what to major in.
Mike: Axl needed to be told to close his mouth when he takes a shower.
Sue: But you gave up everything for me. I don't want to disappoint you or make another mistake. Tell me what you want me to do. You have to. Please?
Mike: Look, you were never supposed to know what happened with the business. That was my choice. And maybe I didn't do you any favors trying to protect you, but I just didn't think you should have to worry about that. You're asking me what I want for you. I don't know. I-I'll tell you what I don't want for you. I don't want you to be on a first-name basis with the operator from the gas company, even though Joyce is very nice and lets us spread the bill over three credit cards. I don't want you to have to share a battery between both your cars. I don't want you to have to hope for a tornado to bring your next appliance. I'm not trying to scare you, kid, but... it's hard sometimes living like we do. And, uh... what I hope for you is just that it can be different.

Frankie: So, what exactly did you mean by "disturbing"?
Mike: What?
Frankie: You said my dream was disturbing. That's a pretty strong word.
Mike: Well, you're messing around with another man. You don't think I should be disturbed by that?
Frankie: It's a dream. Haven't you ever had a dream about a celebrity before... Phoebe Cates or Lindsay Wagner or somebody?
Mike: I don't have dreams.
Frankie: I'm not talking about in life. I'm talking about when you're asleep.
Mike: So am I... I go to sleep, it's dark, I wake up, put on my shoes, and go.
Frankie: What? That can't be true. Everybody dreams.
Mike: Not me. Dreaming is just showing off while you're asleep.

Brick: Check out this story from the Orson Herald from 1954. "Local woman finds hat in tree."
Mike: Local man on couch wants peace and quiet.
Brick: I'm telling you, Dad, this is a bottomless fountain of information. Ooh, here's one from August 1932. "Have you seen this dog?" I wonder if they found it.
Mike: That dog is dead. Everyone who cared about that dog is dead. The new dog they bought to get over the pain of losing that dog is dead.
Brick: You're a mean, mean man.
Mike: Eh.

Axl: By the way, you were wrong.
Mike: Yeah? Look around. I know.
Axl: When I was putting on my work shirt this morning, two things dawned on me. One, this shade of blue really makes my eyes pop, and, two, this shirt does not require a tie.
Mike: I don't know why I would want to extend this conversation, but... how's that make me wrong?
Axl: 'Cause you're always up in my grille. "You gotta learn how to tie a tie, Axl. You gonna need it for your job." Well, I've got a job, and the only person in my entire company who wears a tie is the talking toilet logo.
Mike: Look, every man should know how to do seven things, and tying a tie is one of 'em.
Axl: Huh. I don't know why I'd want to extend this conversation, so I won't.
Mike: The other six are... whistle with your fingers, read a map, grill with charcoal, shine your shoes, open a bottle without an opener, and breaking down a door.
Axl: Wow. That's all pretty relevant stuff. Got any more gems like that, just shoot me a fax.
Mike: Why is that funny?
Axl: 'Cause it's old. [chuckles]

Mike: I've always liked the hardware store. Hardware stores are very underrated as places to clear your head. People think churches and mountaintops are so great. This works for me.

Sue: Oh, I don't know why I'm crying. I am so freaking happy!
Frankie: Oh, boy. Okay, hold on. I think we got some Kleenex in here.
Mike: Oh, whoa, not that one. That's the new Death Napkin.
Frankie: What? What do you mean? You made a new Death Napkin without me?
Mike: I was just jotting down some thoughts. There was an accident at the quarry last month, big explosion.
Frankie: What? There was an explosion? You didn't tell me you almost got blown up!
Mike: Well, there's nothing to tell. I'm here. If I had blown up, I'd have told you. Well, not me. Human Resources notifies the next of kin. And they got a grief counselor if you want it.
Frankie: You know what? I wouldn't need it.

Frankie: When did this happen? Mike, look at this. Look at this. This is- I haven't had my driver's license picture taken in seven years, okay? Here's the old one. Look at this. What happened to me?
Mike: Uh, well, back then you were all young and shiny and wondering what your life's gonna be. And now... Well, now you know.

Mrs. Rettig: Well, that may be because you haven't spent much time here in the classroom.
Mike: Are we supposed to? I mean, isn't that the point of school. That between 8:00 and 3:00, he's your problem? If he, you know, eats his napkin at dinner, we don't call you and ask you to come over to our house. [chuckles]

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, people are straight shooters. They just say it like it is. Well, I got one of those types in my house as well.
[montage:]
Mike: [to Brick] Hell, yeah, you were a mistake. I mean, we're happy you're here now, but you were definitely a mistake.
Mike: [to Frankie] It's funny because you're not fat, but that skirt sure makes you look fat.
Mike: [to a young Sue] Ha. Who told you Scrappy went to a farm? He's not on a farm. He's dead.

Mrs. Tompkins: Brick's teachers referred him for Waterman-Ginsberg testing because they observed that, although very bright, your son struggles socially. In layman's terms, he has a hard time making friends.
Mike: We needed some $500 test to tell us? I could've told you that for free.
Frankie: Mike, let her finish.
Mrs. Tompkins: Thank you. The test revealed that Brick is slightly challenged in his ability to establish appropriate peer connections.
Frankie: I see.
Mike: He has a hard time making friends.
Mrs. Tompkins: Exactly. So there you have it. [Mike sighs]