Axl: Just tell me what to do... make the pain go away.
Mike: I can tell you the same thing my dad told me, the best advice I ever got.
Axl: Yeah. Hit me.
Mike: Don't ask other people for advice. You'll know when you know.
Axl: Okay, but on the outside chance I don't know, you got to be thinking something.
Mike: Well, if you go, I'm gonna miss the hell out of ya. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do what's right for you.

Mike: Hardware stores are underrated as places to clear your head. Everyone thinks churches or mountaintops are so great... [Sue sighs] All right, I'm gonna cut to the chase. I want my couch back, and I want my remote back. What's it gonna take?
Sue: What do you mean?
Mike: You just seem a little down lately. You're always so excited about summer, and you'd normally have a glittery binder going by now.
Sue: I don't know. I've just sort of been in a weird place.
Mike: [sighs] Is this about Sean?
Sue: How do you know about that?
Mike: Sue, your bedroom walls are made of poster board. They're literally paper-thin.

Mike: Don't worry. I'm taking it back to my dad's house tomorrow.
Frankie: Okay, but did you sit in it? It's pretty comfortable. I'm starting to think we should just trust Brick when it comes to making chair decisions.
Mike: The kid does know how to sit.

Ron: So, you takin' 64?
Mike: Yep.
Bill: Big mistake. There's all kinds of construction near Evansville. They're putting in a big megachurch. You should probably take Route 22.
Mike: Nah, that's a toll road. I'm not payin' 40 cents.
Bill: Ah. Makes sense.

Frankie: When I get a gift, I put your name on it.
Mike: What?
Frankie: When I get a gift, I put your name on it.
Mike: What?
Frankie: You heard me.
Mike: No, actually, I didn't hear you. That's why I'm asking you what.
Frankie: I'm just saying, when I get a gift for our children, I put "From Mom and Dad." Sometimes I even give you top billing and put "From Dad and Mom."
Mike: Yeah, you say that, but everyone knows it's from you.
Frankie: That's not the point. The point is, I sign it from both of us because we're a unit.
Mike: We're a eunuch?
Frankie: Unit! You need to get your ears checked.
Mike: Maybe I don't want to get my ears checked.

Frankie: Well, look who's here. It's your dad... Mike Heck. Welcome to the show, Mike. Do you have any questions for our guest, Brick?
Mike: Sure. Have you seen the remote?
Frankie: So, Mike, what brings you to our talk show?
Mike: Well... I am a famous actor starring in a movie about sports highlights. Look... I even brought a clip.

Sue: Did I mention that the examiner said it was the single greatest piece of driving he's ever seen?
Frankie: I'm sure you did great, honey.
Mike: Yeah. She did do great. Sue, you're an excellent driver.
Sue: [gasps] Can I drive the family to graduation?
Mike: Absolutely not.

Frankie: You are not going anywhere in those socks!
Axl: Aah! You're hurting me! You're hurting your son!
Frankie: We are civilized people. There are rules to society, and you're gonna learn 'em, damn it!
Axl: She's crazy! Your wife is crazy!
Mike: Should've put a fence around this place a long time ago.

Frankie: Carly's mom is outside.
Sue: Oh, my first boy-girl party. [chuckles] How do I look?
Frankie: Very pretty.
Mike: Be a good girl. [grabs Sue's face and rubs her eye-makeup]
Sue: Dad.
Mike: Okay. Okay.
Frankie: Have fun.
Mike: Bible fun. God sees everything you do. Even in the dark.

Frankie: Okay, look, we're parked in the loading zone, so let's wrap it up. What do we think, hmm?
Sue: Sparkly one!
Brick: Snow tree.
Axl: Whatever gets us out of here!
Mike: As it's been since biblical times, 50% off wins.