Frankie: The point is, things aren't really as bad as they make them sound. Did you know there's actually fewer kidnappings now than there were 20 years ago? It's just 'cause we get our news faster, so we hear about them more often.
Brick: So, I shouldn't be worried about being kidnapped?
Frankie: No, of course not.
Brick: Then why can't I go to the mall by myself or talk to strangers?
Frankie: Well, you still have to be on alert.
Brick: For what?
Frankie: You know, for things that will never happen but you should still be cautious about.
Brick: You just said I don't need to worry about being kidnapped. Why do I need to be cautious?
Frankie: Look, you don't. You shouldn't think about it at all. But... j-just keep it in the back of your mind.

Mike: All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now? I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?
Judge: Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me. I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.
Frankie: No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right. Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs? There are real crimes out there. Real crimes. Do we even know what happened to this book? It's not in our house. It could've been stolen. My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.
Judge: It says here it's Stormy Moon, $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."
Frankie: Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?
Judge: Next case.

Frankie: You know, I heard that Beyoncé never got asked to her prom.
Sue: Really?
Frankie: [v.o.] I had no idea if that was true. I mean, it's certainly possible. You don't come out of the womb lookin' like Beyoncé. She could've been awkward in high school. What kind of name is "Beyoncé"? Is it French or did her parents just make it up? Oh, I wish I could speak French. God knows when I'd use it. But still, sometimes it's just nice to be able to do stuff. Oh, my God. Your daughter is pouring out her heart to you. Listen! Focus! Pay attention!
Sue: That is something I've never told anyone ever.
Frankie: [v.o.] Uh-oh. She stopped talking. Say something. Take a shot.
Frankie: Honey, I'm sure you will.
Sue: Oh. Thanks, Mom.
Frankie: [v.o.] God, I'm good.

Frankie: Okay, guys, hit the couch. I am calling a family meeting.
Axl: [on video chat] [groans] What am I even doing here? I'm barely even a part of this family.
Frankie: Um, I have an empty fridge and a clogged toilet that says otherwise. Okay, here's the thing... I've had an epiphany. [all groan]
Axl: Let me guess... you're old and your life isn't fulfilling.
Sue: You're taking back the house.
Brick: There's gonna be major changes.
Axl: You're not gonna yell anymore.
Mike: You're losing them, Frankie.

Frankie: It's dollhouse furniture, Mike. That's why it was only 50 bucks. I mean, who on earth pays 50 bucks for doll furniture?
Mike: Apparently, we do. [Frankie sighs]
Mike: Frankie, how'd this happen?
Frankie: Hey, you're the one who said, "get it."
Mike: Wasn't there a picture?
Frankie: Yes... That made it look like a regular table in a regular room. I mean, come on, that is not how you take a picture of a doll table. This is how you take a picture of a doll table. You take a table. You take a pen. You put them next to each other. The person looking at the picture says, "Oh, this table's only as big as a pen. I can't have Thanksgiving dinner on it."

Frankie: Hey, have you figured out what you're gonna be for Halloween yet? You know, it's almost here, and I don't want to be scrambling around at the last minute looking for a costume for you. You can't be paper towel man for a third time.
Brick: Yeah... actually, I decided I'm not gonna go trick-or-treating this year.
Frankie: What?
Brick: I don't know. I think I'm getting a little old for that.
Frankie: Aw. You're not going trick-or-treating? Aw. Mike, he's not going trick-or-treating.
Mike: Good. You hate trick-or-treating.
Frankie: Yeah, but if I'd known last year was gonna be the last time, I would've made sure to enjoy it.
Mike: You didn't even take him out last year. And the year before that, didn't Nancy Donahue take him?
Frankie: Whatever time I took him out, whenever it was, I wish I'd known that was gonna be it, okay?

Frankie: Hey, where you going? And what's with the hat?
Axl: If you must know, it's part of our new business venture... "Tree Wise Men," a subsidiary of Boss Co. Enterprises. We're getting paid to put up people's Christmas lights and decorations. It's the season to get rich.
Frankie: Well, we have a tree right here, and as soon as it gets assembled, we are decorating it as a family.
Axl: Oh, but this is the only chance I get to hang out with my friends. Now that I'm in college, which you guys insisted on, I never get to see them anymore.
Frankie: Okay, but as soon as you get back, we're making a trip to the Frugal Hoosier. I'm filling two cars with stuff, and you're gonna be my Christmas helper.
Axl: Ugh. Fine. But I'm gonna need 10 bucks for my time.
Frankie: Oh, are we settling up? Because I put a bill together for all the things I've done for you, and it's a billion dollars.

Frankie: Okay, Mike, I just stepped on a fork in the tub. How many times have we told the kids, we wash spoons in the tub, knives and forks in the bathroom sink?
Mike: It's just common sense.
Frankie: [sighs] This is crazy. We can't go on like this. We need a silverware caddy in the shower.
Mike: I might have something in the garage we can use. How 'bout that old ice bucket that says, "it's 5:00 somewhere"?
Frankie: Oh, you know what? Since the dishwasher's not working right now, we could use the caddy from there. We'll just hang it on the showerhead where the shampoo thing usually goes. That would be perfect! Are you sad right now? 'Cause I'm really sad.
Mike: Look. I know we wanted to save money, and we gave it our best shot, but despite how much I'm gonna miss this whole hose situation, it's time to fix the sink.

Frankie: [microwave beeps] Okay, we need something green to go with dinner. Ooh! We can make ice-pack peas. They haven't been in there that long. When was the O.J. chase? You know, we really should buy some fresh vegetables sometimes, just so w... [gasps] Oh, my God. We forgot Brick's birthday.
Mike: What?
Frankie: Brick's birthday... in November! What month are we in now?
Mike: February. [Frankie sighs] Yeah, that's bad. You know, it's been so long, at this point, maybe we should just float it to next year.
Frankie: That's what we did last year. Ugh! We're treating him like a leap-year baby. [gasps] Sue's birthday... that's coming up, too! Oh, seriously, why do we have two birthdays so close together?
Mike: We didn't.

Brick: You signed up to chaperone the field trip to the robotics exhibit in Indianapolis on Saturday.
Frankie: Mm, that doesn't sound like me.
Brick: Yeah. Remember back in September when I asked you?
[flashback:]
Brick: Do you want to do the back-to-school breakfast next week?
Frankie: Ew. No.
Brick: Halloween party?
Frankie: Negatory.
Brick: Thanksgiving feed the homeless?
Frankie: Too soon. Don't stop till you hit April. You want to do one of the later ones, so when the school runs out of money, they cancel it.