Turk: Kelso's got this new stupid outreach program where families are allowed to observe surgeries. Yesterday I had to do a bypass on this guy. You should have seen the family, standing there motionless, silently judging me. And today I got to do a colectomy on that guy. What do you think his family is gonna be like?
[fantasy, J.D. images the African-American family watching the surgery with popcorn and soda:]
Woman: There's a tumor in there! There's a tumor in there!
Man: Oh, don't go behind the kidney, brother!
[reality:]
Turk: You didn't go to the black family yelling at the movie screen stereotype, did you?
J.D.: Like a bear to honey.

Carla: Dr. Mickhead was wondering if you would cover his patient in 310? The guy was in some bar fight and has been unconscious since he got here. He was brought in by some brother from Ireland.
Turk: Do you mean an Irish brother or an Irish brother?
[fantasy: Turk is decked out in green with ginger hair and a ginger beard as he does an Irish jig in front of a group of fair-skinned ladies:]
Turk: Top of the mizzle to ya, me lizzles.
[reality:]
Carla: I mean his sibling.
J.D.: Aw, man.

Turk: It's true, Mr. Keck, you could probably get by without the surgery. But why would you? I'm the smartest, most skilled surgeon in this place.
Mr. Keck: Are you stuck in that candy machine?
Turk: I paid for my Rolos, I'm getting my Rolos.

Carla: If J.D. were drowning and said he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Turk: That depends. What if there are hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
Carla: Let's say there's no women.
Turk: There's always women at the pool, Baby.
Carla: Fine. He's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond. They're infamous for serpents.
Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays, men only.
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Carla: Fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
Turk: Oh, so now a brother can't swim?!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Carla: Oh, my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.

[song "Everything Comes Down to Poo":]
J.D.: Hey, Mrs. Miller. We just need a stool sample.
Patti: Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut?
J.D. & Turk: 'cause the answer's not in your head, my dear, it's in your butt.
J.D.: You see? Everything comes down to poo. From the top of your head to the sole of your shoe. We can figure out what is wrong with you by looking at your poo. Turk?
Turk: Do you have a hemorrhoid? Or is it rectal cancer? When you flush your dookie down You flush away the answer.
J.D.: It doesn't really matter if it's hard of it's loose. We'll figure out what's ailing you. As long as it's a deuce. Yes! Everything comes down to poo.
All: Everything comes down to poo.
J.D.: Cardiovascular, lymphatic, yes the nervous system too. All across the nation, we trust in defecation. Everything comes down to poo.
Turk: If you want to know what's wrong Don't sit and act so cool. Just be a man and eat some bran. And drop the kids off at the pool.
Woman #1: My stomach hurts.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Woman #2: I sprained my ankle.
Turk: Check the poo.
Man: I was shot.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: A homeless guy just threw poo in my eye.
Turk: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: Mine or his?
J.D.: First him then you. It may sound gross. You may say "shush".
J.D. & Tur But we need to see what comes out of your tush.
All: Because everything comes down to poo. Whether it is a tumor or a touch of the flu.
Turk & J.D.: Please, won't you pinch us all a big fat clue.
Turk: Our number one test is your number two.
All: If there's no breeze, light a match please. Everything comes down to...
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
All: Everything comes down to poo!

[song "Guy Love":]
J.D.: Let's face the facts about me and you A love unspecified. Though I'm proud to call you Chocolate Bear, The crowd will always talk and stare.
Turk: I feel exactly those feelings too. And that's why I keep them inside. 'Cause this bear can't bear the world's disdain. And sometimes is easier to hide...
Both: than explain our Guy Love. That's all it is. Guy Love, he's mine, I'm his. There's nothing gay about it In our eyes.
Turk: You ask me about this thing we share.
J.D.: And he tenderly replies.
Both: It's guy love Between two guys.
Turk: We're closer than the average man & wife.
J.D.: That's why our matching bracelets say "Turk & J.D."
Turk: You know I'll stick by you For the rest of my life.
J.D.: You're the only man Who's ever been inside of me.
Turk: Whoa, whoa. I just took out his appendix.
J.D.: There's no need to clarify.
Turk: Oh no?
J.D.: Just let it grow more and more each day. It's like I married my best friend.
Turk: But in a totally manly way.
Both: Let's go. It's guy love, don't compromise The feeling of some other guy. Holding up your heart Into the sky.
J.D.: I'll be there to care through all the lows.
Turk: I'll be there to share the highs.
Both: It's guy love between two guys.
J.D.: And when I say "I love you, Turk". It's not what it implies.
Both: It's guy love... Between Two Guys.
J.D.: No hands.

Carla: I am not being ridiculous. To be safe, I'm going to line your boxers with bubble wrap.
Turk: Esta loca.
Carla: Look. We haven't talked about whether we want another kid, and if something happened... I just don't that decision to be made for us.
Turk: No decision's been made.
Carla: Are you sure?
Turk: I know there's only one down there, but he's the better one. He's like Tina Turner after she left Ike. Stronger, more confident, and is going to have a very successful solo career.

J.D.: Hey, with Carla and Izzy out of town, must be nice to have the place to yourself for once, huh?
Turk: Dude, I can't answer that. How many people here are spies and are ordered to report everything I say back to Carla?
[All the nurses raise their hands]
J.D.: I should go.
Turk: I love my wife, and I wanna be by her side at all times! All times! You heard that, Rochelle?

Elliot: See, there's a lot of things to hate about being a doctor. I mean, for starters, no woman looks good in scrubs. But guys do. It's unfair. Plus, malpractice insurance, bad hours...
Turk: Yeah, but at least you guys in medicine get to figure stuff out. You know, you were like a detective with your HIV patient. Surgeons, all we do is cut and sew. Sometimes I feel like a glorified mechanic.
[fantasy: Turk, dressed in overalls, is on a rolling creeper with a pair of surgical scissors:]
Turk: Well, spleen is shot to hell. I'm gonna have to remove it. While I'm in there, I might as well get that gall bladder too. I mean, you can leave it in there but just gonna be back in a couple of months. To be honest with you, I ain't too great with those "Jap-o-nese" models.
[reality:]
Turk: I'd look good in a jumpsuit.
Elliot: If you're gonna fantasize like J.D., you have to talk like him when you come out of it.
Turk: [goofy voice] I'd look good in a jumpsuit.
Elliot: Better.

Carla: Why aren't you out on the beach?
Turk: Because Daddy came to seduce you. But for me to get my sexy mode, I'm gonna need you to take off the hat and stop picking your toes. [grimaces and groans] It's alright, I'll push through it. Baby, look. Izzy's not here. And this is the Bahamas. The islands of making love. You, me, the ocean. Underwater relations.
Carla: Lead the way. [cellphone rings] That's the nanny. This'll just take a second.
Turk: Okay. It's cool. I'm gonna head down to the water. It'll be just like our honeymoon. Nobody will see what we're doing except for the mermaids.
Carla: Baby, for the last time, mermaids aren't real.
Turk: I know what I saw, woman!