[song "Everything Comes Down to Poo":]
J.D.: Hey, Mrs. Miller. We just need a stool sample.
Patti: Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut?
J.D. & Turk: 'cause the answer's not in your head, my dear, it's in your butt.
J.D.: You see? Everything comes down to poo. From the top of your head to the sole of your shoe. We can figure out what is wrong with you by looking at your poo. Turk?
Turk: Do you have a hemorrhoid? Or is it rectal cancer? When you flush your dookie down You flush away the answer.
J.D.: It doesn't really matter if it's hard of it's loose. We'll figure out what's ailing you. As long as it's a deuce. Yes! Everything comes down to poo.
All: Everything comes down to poo.
J.D.: Cardiovascular, lymphatic, yes the nervous system too. All across the nation, we trust in defecation. Everything comes down to poo.
Turk: If you want to know what's wrong Don't sit and act so cool. Just be a man and eat some bran. And drop the kids off at the pool.
Woman #1: My stomach hurts.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Woman #2: I sprained my ankle.
Turk: Check the poo.
Man: I was shot.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: A homeless guy just threw poo in my eye.
Turk: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: Mine or his?
J.D.: First him then you. It may sound gross. You may say "shush".
J.D. & Tur But we need to see what comes out of your tush.
All: Because everything comes down to poo. Whether it is a tumor or a touch of the flu.
Turk & J.D.: Please, won't you pinch us all a big fat clue.
Turk: Our number one test is your number two.
All: If there's no breeze, light a match please. Everything comes down to...
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
All: Everything comes down to poo!