Turk: All right, everyone, pay attention, because my spleen is right here. Whoops! This feels more like my private-time area.
Cole: Wouldn't it be easier if you could see what you were doing?
Turk: This is the way I'm doing it, Cole! Or maybe you're just uncomfortable because it's a black man's head on a fake white man's body. That's right, people. It just got real up in here. In my class, you will each be graded by the color of your skin. If you're white, raise your hands. F's.

Turk: Baby, you know why I love the Bahamas? They got brothers on the money, check it. Don't that look like Uncle Dottie?

Janitor: By the way, your number isn't "CALL-TURK", it's "CALL-TUR". It'd be easier if your name was "Cal Turk."
Turk: There's nobody named Cal Turk.
[fantasy, a whiter Turk is in an office cubicle with an elderly couple:]
Cal Turk: Cal Turk here. We don't sell insurance, we sell peace of mind. But only to white people. Would you like some milk?

Elliot: Did you know they're actually experimenting with a drug that can erase stuff from your head, like memories, dreams.
Turk: I don't remember any of my dreams anyway. Except for the ones involving cheese and Tyra Banks. Oh, baby, don't worry. You've nothing to be threatened by. In my book it goes: cheese, you, Tyra.

Turk: J.D., big news. Guess what my new cell phone number spells.
J.D.: Why'd you get a new cell phone number? Your old number spelled "kfnipah".
Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-CALLTURK. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
J.D.: How am I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with "kfnipah".
Turk: Come on, man, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides getting married.
J.D.: She's not here.
Turk: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
J.D.: But "CALLTURK" is eight numbers.
Turk: I know, actually it's just CALLTUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the "K" anyway.
J.D.: I'll always dial the "K" for you.

Carla: Well, what do we do now?
Turk: Whenever J.D. and I are bored, we like to play a little game called "Toe or Finger."
Carla: Uh-huh.
Turk: You close your eyes, and I run either a toe or finger underneath your nose and try to guess which one it is, huh? [off Carla's look] Fine. What do you want to do?
Carla: Usually when J.D. gets off work, we gossip about hospital stuff.
Turk: Baby, that sounds a little immature.

J.D.: [v.o.] One of the best things about my friendship with Turk is that we're always challenging each other to try new things.
J.D.: I can't believe we're going to a strip club for lunch.
Turk: Oh, I don't think about it that way. This just is a nice place to buy a burger that's a short, convenient two-and-a-half mile walk away from the hospital.

Turk: Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off?
J.D.: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.
Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss and we hug and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas! Now check the ball, cracker.

J.D.: What's up with you and her brother, anyway? Did something happen at her mother's funeral?
[flashback to Turk having parked at the funeral home:]
Turk: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Just so you know, this is a rental and I got the mileage right up here, so no joy-rides, comprende? [tosses keys]
Carla: Turk! This is my brother, Marco!
Turk: Sorry for your loss.
[present:]
Turk: I mean, who wears a vest to a funeral, anyway, man?

Dr. Cox: That laughing had better not be aimed in my direction, bro.
Turk: Bro? Dude, bros don't even use "bro." You're not as hip as you think you are.
Dr. Cox: And you are?
Turk: I'm black. God knew my people would go through struggles, so he gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate. Like he knew white people would be rhythmically challenged and he gave y'all this dance.