Mr. Davis: I'm really uncomfortable.
Elliot: I'm so sorry.
Mr. Davis: You're not gonna hug me, are you?
Elliot: Believe me, I'm done with all that.
Mr. Davis: If it'll make you feel better, I hate this whole touchy-feely culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you.
Mr. Davis: I mean, that whole "kiss hello" thing.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't want anyone touching me unless we have sex. And even then I don't want them to overdo it.
Mr. Davis: So where in Connecticut are you from?
Elliot: Greenwich. You?
Mr. Davis: Darien.

Elliot: Is my punishment still coming or is it just the horrible staring because the anticipation is killing me?
Dr. Cox: Make your case.
Elliot: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. Cox: Well, you tell me why Chorey McCrazy Chore gets to stay here two more nights.
Elliot: OK. You don't understand how hard it is for some women to make on their own nowadays. I mean, Jill is so exhausted and it's not going to get any easier because she's her own worst enemy, you know? She's constantly trying to please. She judges herself harsher than anyone.
Dr. Cox: Have you actually seen what you look like today?
Elliot: I know, I'm a skank.
Elliot: And she never says no to anyone, so...
Dr. Cox: Could you swing by my apartment after work and pick up a sample of my dog's stool and take it to the vet for me?
Elliot: I can do it at lunch. ... Oh.
Dr. Cox: It's OK. Jill can stay a little longer. And if we're real lucky, she'll realize that it's OK to give yourself a break every once in a while, right?
Elliot: Yeah.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, I got the Kayexalate and pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me. Oh, my God. That totally came out wrong. I just meant I want you to use me and I don't care how degrading it is.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: No, no... No, it's just that I know that you like torturing people, and I am totally up for that. I just wanna make you happy.
Nurse Roberts: Marshmallow, hush.

Elliot: Are you following me?
Todd: No. You wanna go out some time?
Elliot: With you?
Todd: Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.
Elliot: No, Todd. No, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone or because I'm a lesbian or because I want to preserve our friendship. It's because I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.
Todd: All I heard was "lesbian".

Elliot: What do you want me to do, cry?
J.D.: Can you do that?
Elliot: Sure. Give me a second to think of something sad.
J.D.: Quickly. Quickly.
Elliot: OK, that's not helping.
J.D.: I shouldn't have put you in this position.
Elliot: [getting emotional] Oh, there we go. Another man in my life, trying to protect me.
J.D.: Stay with it, Elliot.
Elliot: Everyone thinks I'm this little girl who can't take any criticism because her mom and dad give her nothing but criticism.
J.D.: Good, Elliot, this is good.
Elliot: And look where it's gotten me. You know, I'm 26, single and all I do is work. You know, I may as well just give up the idea of being in a healthy and happy relationship and just go ahead and... And... And...
J.D.: Become your mother?
Elliot: Yeah. [sobbing] Check Mr. Sullivan's tests again.
Franklyn: OK.

Elliot: I've never done anything like this. I just met him and slept with him.
Mrs. Bumbry: God, I miss one-night stands.
Elliot: The best thing was, since I knew it was just a fling, I wasn't afraid to ask him for exactly what I wanted.
Carla: Which was?
Elliot: Shirt on, lights off, no talking.

Mr. Bragin: I prepared myself, you know? I was really ready.
Elliot: Yeah.
Mr. Bragin: Dr. Reid, have you ever faced your own mortality?
Elliot: Before senior prom I tried to wax my own eyebrows and took them both clean off. Yeah. And by that, I mean no. Never.
Mr. Bragin: Must have been a tough time for you, though.
Elliot: Oh, sure.

Elliot: Sean?
Sean: Hey, Elliot! How you doing?
Elliot: You look great! Except, the buzz-cut has kind of tapped into this recurring dream I have where my dad makes me marry this army colonel named Johnny Case who, as it turns out, already has a wife in the Philippines. Anyways, she and I become friends, but then she smothers him with her thighs and then frames me for it.
Sean: Well, yeah, I'm- I'm doing about the same, too.

Elliot: You know, it's not my fault that dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.
J.D.: Oh, who's fault is it?
[flashback to Mrs. Reid talking to a young Elliot as the poolboy cleans the pool:]
Lily Reid: But more important than anything, more important than never letting yourself get fat, is never let a man put his dirty how-do-you-do into your bajingo. Jorge, I need to see you in the potting shed.
[present:]
Elliot: She was always yelling at Jorge in that potting shed. But she never fired him. Even after he kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.

Maggie: I guess I was just waiting for someone special, and now I feel like I've missed out on one of the fundamental experiences of life for no good reason, you know?
Carla: Is there anything we can do?
Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.
Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though. My mom, she gets lonely.