Elliot: You can talk to me if you want.
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something.
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.
Turk: And vagina is...
Elliot: Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.
Turk: Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus.
Elliot: Ah-ah, b-b-but, mm-mmm. From now on, [quietly] cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."
Turk: Icky sticky.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk and Elliot were having a hard time because Mr. Burton didn't make it through surgery.
Elliot: We did everything we could for your dad. We are so sorry, Devin, Eric.
Eric: That's Devin. I'm Eric.
Elliot: Oh, you guys must get that all the time.
Devin: Because all black people look the same?
Turk: Hmm.
Elliot: No! Because you're identical twins.
Eric: Is she always this racist?
Turk: Oh, there's a pattern.
Elliot: Identical twins, Turk!

J.D.: Elliot, can I get your advice on something my burn patient really wants to go to his high school graduation this weekend.
Elliot: Why? Mine was awful. I was the valedictorian, but instead of bringing my speech, I grabbed my mom's love letter to her pool boy. Well, I was so nervous, I ended up reading that one anyways. Apparently, I spoke a lot about "my fondness for throbbing members". Still, my closing words to my graduating class were actually kind of appropriate. Something about wanting to make sure I chased all of my dreams, before I was all old and dried up down there.

Elliot: I'm so sorry that they're forcing you out. I feel horrible.
Dr. Kelso: Aw, sweetheart, you should. It's your fault.
Elliot: Look, I'll talk to the Board. I am so great at changing people's minds. My best friend in college thought he was gay, but I totally convinced him that he was into women. After that, he had a ton of girlfriends. Until senior year when he hung himself.
Dr. Kelso: Why is it that so many of your stories end with, "And then he hung himself"?
Elliot: Bad luck, I guess.

Elliot: I can't take it, Carla. I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer. The worst part is, Paul is this perfect guy who wants to take things slow with me. And I'm just this big mountain of cuckoo about to erupt and spew molten crazy over him and he's gonna die like this.
Carla: Calm down, Elliot. Do what I used to do. Find people who don't even know Paul, and just let it out in little bursts.
Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, ladies.
Elliot: You know, when I was a kid, I got a sunburn like that. I just peeled all the skin off, put it in a pile and ate it.
Dr. Kelso: Good Lord.

J.D.: The mind is a freaky thing, Elliot. Maybe she does hear singing.
Elliot: Yeah, well, I haven't sung since the 6th grade talent show when I did Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then afterwards Mr. Shemin, the M.C, said "No, actually hell is for everyone who just had to hear you sing that song." My mom was so mad, she slept with him and ruined his marriage.

Elliot: Those Gyno Girls are putting the pressure on. We must have looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I mean, I can't even look at my own bajingo, you know?
Carla: Well, is that because it looks so much like a vagina?
Elliot: [chokes] Carla, there's people!

Elliot: Hi. Move your butt.
Turk: Okay.
Elliot: Peace offering? Look, Turk, I know I don't always make the best first impression. Or second, for that matter. [laughs] Anyway, I'd like us to be friends, and I thought maybe I could get to know you a bit better. See what you're about. For instance, when did you meet Morgan Freeman?
Turk: That's my mom.
Elliot: I like her freckles.

Elliot: Mr. Kavanaugh, your arrhythmia's much better. Everything looks just great, actually.
Mr. Kavanaugh: You sound surprised.
Elliot: Well, okay, it has nothing to do with you. I had a little run-in with Dr. Kelso yesterday, so when he switched me over to you, I thought it would be a difficult case.
[Mr. Kavanaugh gets up out of bed and stands before Elliot naked]
Mr. Kavanaugh: Go on, I'm listening.
Elliot: Excuse me while I go check on another penis... patient. Well, he's a penis patient.

Elliot: We've gotten to know each other over the last week, haven't we?
Mr. Davis: I'd say so.
Elliot: And as a doctor, you found me comforting, right?
Mr. Davis: God, no.
Elliot: Come on, I'm pretty good with people.
Mr. Davis: No, you're horrible with people.
Elliot: I'm warm.
Mr. Davis: You're very cold. I mean, your hands.... It's like you're a yeti.
Elliot: I have bad circulation. I do this all day and it doesn't help.
Mr. Davis: Listen, sweetie, you're a very efficient, competent doctor. But your exams... Do you examine everyone like that or just people you feel have wronged you in some way?
Elliot: Well, I appreciate your opinion.
Mr. Davis: Oh, no. It's not an opinion. You see those guys right there? They're pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them.