Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I've decided I'd like to prescribe you something for the pain.
Mr. Thompson: Well, you know, that's your call.
Elliot: There's just one little problem.
Mr. Thompson: Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs, 'k, lady? For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle. I refused painkillers. I did the "You're the greatest doctor" bit, which I know you loved. Then somewhere between,getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth which, by the way, I'm still praying wasn't the same tube, I found time to do the whole "I'm writhing in pain but I don't know if you're watching me" thing! So please, or pretty please, or however you want me to say it, Doctor, why don't you say it! Why don't you say it! Why don't you tell me what the problem is, and say it!
Elliot: Um. I was just gonna say that my pen doesn't work, and I needed a new one to write out your dosage.
Mr. Thompson: Oh. Awesome.

Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: It's 3 o'clock! 3 o'clock's when you announce the new chief resident, so we thought you might want-
Dr. Cox: Barbie, you're chief resident.
J.D.: [high-pitched laugh] Very funny!
Dr. Cox: So not joking.
Elliot: Oh, my God, now I know how Liza Minelli felt! When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien.

Elliot: [v.o.] Okay, you can't bend that way anymore, 'cause when you do, that last vertebrae above your butt sticks out and makes you look like a prehistoric camel.
Carla: What are you thinking?
Elliot: Same ol', same ol'.
Carla: Camel-butt?
Elliot: Yeah.

Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl. My dad's a doctor, and I remember how excited I was the first time I saw him work at the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings. But that's totally normal for an 11-year-old, right? Anyway, yeah... I forget.

Elliot: Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'.
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse. All the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy. [growls]
Jake: Alright, fine, why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy.
Elliot: Okay, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief, I run the cider house. I catch you hiding behind the stone mill, you chase me into the tasting room... Oh, if there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it. Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak a word of English, but you teach me more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exams. And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery. [pants] Oh! God, I can be such an apple slut.

Elliot: I don't know why I bother. Little Hayley doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs. Big frick. Last month it was Cassie.
J.D.: Ooh, Cassie's pretty.
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Elliot: Look, J.D., we all have low moments in our lives. I mean, in high school I had this amazing teacher, Mr. Higgins, and he was funny, and inspiring. I mean, he was like a second father to me. And then, one day I found out that he was sleeping with his students, and I was crushed. I mean, why not me? You know, and it wasn't my lazy eye, because that was fixed by prom. Anyway, eventually I realized that your troubles don't seem so bad if you just stop talking about them all the time.

Elliot: Do you know how lucky you are to have a husband? I mean, I've got a brand new home, I am totally ready to start my life, but I just don't know if Keith is marriage material. My mom thinks I should test his love by saying I'm knocked up. If he doesn't propose on the spot, I just demand that he gives me $600 for the abortion, dump him, and ease my sadness with a brand-new pair of Jimmy Choos. That's how she got her red shoe collection in college.

Elliot: Look, Dr. Kelso, leaving any job is tough. I remember when my cousin got fired from her job, she was so depressed because it was the only salon in town, and all she ever wanted to do was cut hair.
Dr. Kelso: Here it comes.
J.D.: [v.o.] Both Dr. Kelso and I had heard enough of Elliot inspirational stories to know that they invariably end with someone killing himself.
Elliot: But, then she moved.
J.D.: [v.o.] Huh. Maybe not.
Elliot: To a better place.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or maybe so.

Elliot: Katie. You don't have to do that.
Katie: I know. It's disgusting.
Elliot: You're just under so much pressure, I've been there.
Katie: Really?
Elliot: Oh, my God, my first week here, I totally screwed my best friend, J.D., just to look good in rounds. Well, not literally screwed. I mean, yes, later, we did it. But that was for totally different reasons. And honestly, it's been talked to death. But we are dating again. Don't tell anyone.
Katie: Got it.