Greg: Dude, this is bad.
Chris: Tell me something I don't know.
Greg: The estimated weight of the earth is six sextillion tons.
Chris: Greg, that was a rhetorical question.
Greg: Sorry. I told you this was going to happen. Chris, there's only one way out.
Chris: And what's that?
Greg: We can disguise you as a Dominican. You'll speak Spanish and move to the Bronx. We'll call you Salvador Armando Guillermo Sanchez Garcia Morales. You'll never see your family again, but you won't have to pick any more games.
Chris: Or I could just pick the wrong team and everybody will think I'm a loser again and then nobody will ask me to pick anymore.
Greg: You could try that, too.

Chris: I want you to run with me. I want you to be my vice president.
Greg: No.
Chris: Yeah.
Greg: Oh, man. This is great. I can work behind the scenes. I can influence the judiciary committee. I can confer with the joint chiefs. Create policy!
Chris: Greg, it's the eighth grade.
Greg: I know, but this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was until he met Seven of Nine at a Trekkie convention.

Chris: I don't want to run without you, and together, we can't win.
Greg: Who cares? Run with DiPaolo. Let me be your campaign manager.
Chris: Campaign manager?
Greg: Yeah. We can do this. I'll manipulate the press corps. I'll contact the foreign media outlets.
Chris: Greg? It's the eighth grade.

Greg: What's the matter?
Chris: The speech. I've never given a speech before. I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to get up there and put people to sleep.
Greg: There's no reason to be nervous. I've been working on some bullet points and I guarantee you nobody's going to sleep through this.
Chris: "The geopolitical infrastructure of Corleone"? "Trading arms for hostages"? "Postwar Grenada"?!
Greg: Good, huh? I got more stuff, too, on Noriega and the fallacy of trickle-down economics.
Chris: Wait. "The fallacy of trickle-down economics"? Greg, this is the eighth grade.
Greg: Yeah, but it's trickling down to us.

Greg: You think they know we're gone?
Chris: The only one that would even notice is Caruso. He can just beat somebody else up. What's that?
Greg: I was up all night packing for everything we might need. I've got peanut butter sandwiches in case we get hungry, I've got some wet naps in case we get sticky from the peanut butter sandwiches, I brought a compass in case we get lost, some extra water, Rolaids, aspirin, a traveling toothbrush...
Chris: Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If we did, Greg would have got with Mrs. Howell.
Greg: Hold on. For my "cutting school" scrapbook. Smile.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg sold that picture on eBay last week for $500.

Greg: You've got to come through for us, dude. Remember last year how we could smell the pizza coming down the hall and then passing us by and leaving us like the last helicopter out of Saigon?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg had watched First Blood on TV the night before.
Greg: I don't want to go through that again.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.
Greg: How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?
Chris: Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.
Greg: What's that?
Chris: It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.
Greg: You could toilet paper his house.
Chris: Too dangerous.
Greg: You could egg him on the way home.
Chris: Too obvious.
Greg: Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.
Chris: Too typical.
Greg: Suit yourself, but I'm saving that one for a jerk to be named later.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mission with Caruso was simple, find out things without getting found out.
Greg: What happened? Did he spot us?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, but only because he didn't see us behind that mustache.
Chris: How are you going to follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?
Greg: Works for Magnum, P.I.
Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was throwing clothes in the box, Greg was thinking outside the box.
Mr. Abbott: You did unbelievable on this test. There's a lot of things you could do when you get out of college.
Greg: At first, I was thinking I could start up an investment banking firm, or maybe franchise a coffee store.
Mr. Abbott: "Franchise a coffee store"? That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. A store that sells nothing but coffee? Well, what you going to open up next? A place that sells nothing but staples? Oh, what's after that? A place that sells everything for 99 cents? [sniffs] You smell anything?
Greg: Well, see that's what I was going to tell you. I settled on being an astronaut. I'm... I'm wearing a diaper.
Mr. Abbott: A diaper?! You mean, you want to fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?
Greg: Well, they don't make you do it but I wanted to see if I could take it.
Mr. Abbott: Nobody could take it, Greg. Now, get the funk out of my office. [sniffing] Gah!

Greg: While I was making my tanning bed, I accidentally invented an incandescent light bulb that won't burn out for 600 years.
Chris: That's amazing. Then you'll definitely get an "A."
Greg: I can't turn that in.
Chris: Why not?
Greg: Are you crazy? I'd be a marked man. I'm not taking down every major power company in the nation. They'd have me killed in a minute. So I decided to switch projects. I'm going with a dung-powered radar system.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] US patent #D349127.