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‘Everybody Hates Gambling’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Gambling

219. Everybody Hates Gambling

Aired April 23, 2007

Chris becomes the neighborhood's favorite odds-maker after talking Doc which team he thought would win. Meanwhile, Tonya tries to beat Drew at a game of checkers.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Dude, this is bad.
Chris: Tell me something I don't know.
Greg: The estimated weight of the earth is six sextillion tons.
Chris: Greg, that was a rhetorical question.
Greg: Sorry. I told you this was going to happen. Chris, there's only one way out.
Chris: And what's that?
Greg: We can disguise you as a Dominican. You'll speak Spanish and move to the Bronx. We'll call you Salvador Armando Guillermo Sanchez Garcia Morales. You'll never see your family again, but you won't have to pick any more games.
Chris: Or I could just pick the wrong team and everybody will think I'm a loser again and then nobody will ask me to pick anymore.
Greg: You could try that, too.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: I don't understand this. Why everybody in this house knows how much I hate gambling, and yet everybody in this house is gambling. Can somebody explain this to me? Julius? Chris? Drew? Can you guys explain? Tonya. What do you have to say for yourself, sweetheart?
Tonya: Drew was teasing me at checkers, so I bet him so he would stop.
Rochelle: And where did you get money to place this bet?
Tonya: Daddy.
Rochelle: Oh. Your daddy gave you money to gamble. Isn't that sweet? Give it here. [takes money from Tonya] Julius.
Julius: I was doing it just to help her build confidence.
Rochelle: Oh. You were building your daughter's confidence by turning her brother into a sucker. That's good. That's really good. [laughs] And Chrissy the Black? You're just there calling games like you're in Atlantic City, huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Notice she said "if."

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: But I wasn't gambling.
Rochelle: [mockingly:] You wasn't gambling. Well, I don't know what they call it, Mr. Spread on the Over-Under, but you better get ready to stop not gambling.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] "You better get ready to stop not gambling?"
Julius: What?
Rochelle: The point is: boy, you better stop!
Chris: Well, I already put a stop to it. I lied to Doc about who was going to win tonight's game.
Rochelle: Oh, so you're gambling and you're lying? How long is it gonna be before we have bodies under this house? Huh?!

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Wait a minute. There's only $50.
Vanessa: I know. I know. I didn't make the bet. Just when I was about to put your money down, Chrissy the Black said don't do it, Phoenix is going to lose. If it wasn't for him, we all would have made some money.
Chris: How was I supposed to know?
Vanessa: You're Chrissy the Black?
Rochelle: Yep, that's him. You see? You got people thinking they're gonna win, when you know they're gonna lose. If you'd let them lose, they probably could have won. That's why I hate gambling! 'Cause you can't win for losing!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's the part where I lose.
Rochelle: Now get your butt upstairs!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You're going to fix this. Oh, and you're going to fix this now.
Julius: How's he going to fix it? You can't change a bet once you've placed it.
Rochelle: I don't care. You're going to call Doc, and you're going to tell him the truth. And you know what? I'm going to change your name from Chrissy the Black to Chrissy the Black and Blue.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything. Fights...
[flashback to Gene and his friends watching two boys play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots in the street:]
Gene: Come on, blue. Let's go. Come on, blue. Doggonnit! [grunting]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He gambled on races...
[flashback to Gene and his friends watching two kids ride their tricycles:]
Gene: Doggonnit!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He even bet on the weather.
[flashback to Gene and his friends in a bar:]
Gene: I got ten dollars on sunny and 79.
[flashback to Gene getting soaked in the rain:]
Gene: Doggonnit!

Quote from Julius

Vanessa: So you don't gamble at all?
Rochelle: No! Not at all.
Vanessa: What about Julius?
Rochelle: Julius won't even bet you his own name is Julius.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only bet my father would place was this...
[fantasy: Julius is in a restaurant booth with a group of men:]
Julius: I see your "20% off" coupon and raise you a "buy one get one free" coupon.
Mr. Omar: Too rich for my blood.
Man: Fold.
Kill Moves: I'll see your coupon and raise you a boot.
Julius: I'm out.

Quote from Julius

Vanessa: Yeah, I tell you what, I tell you what. Now, you loan me ten dollars, I'll put a little somethin' somethin' down on the Houston-Utah game for both of us tonight.
Julius: Nobody in this house is putting a little down on anything except the bills.
Rochelle: Told you.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I just told him who I thought would win.
Greg: Hello? That's gambling.
Chris: Greg, calm down. What's your problem anyway?
Greg: My mother.
Chris: Was your mother a gambler?
Greg: Yup. She lost a bet and had to marry my father. Then she won another bet and got to leave.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And then there's the bet she lost that got Greg here in the first place.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: Baby, what are you doing?
Tonya: [sighs] Trying to beat Drew at checkers.
Julius: Well, shouldn't he be playing?
Tonya: No. Because he bet me three dollars that I couldn't beat him. So I can't play him again till I think I can win.
Julius: Baby, you know your mother doesn't like gambling. Checkers is just supposed to be for fun.
Tonya: It was fun. But every time Drew wins, he starts teasing me, and I just want to beat him until he cries! So, you know, it could be fun again.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Uh, Daddy.
Julius: Hmm?
Tonya: Can I borrow three dollars?
Julius: Borrow?
Tonya: Okay, "have."

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Can I help you?
Paulie: Yeah. I'm looking for Chrissy the Black.
Rochelle: Chrissy the what?
Paulie: The Black.
Rochelle: Chrissy the Black.
Paulie: Yeah.
Rochelle: Who are you?
Paulie: Who are you?
Rochelle: You don't ask me who I am; you're knocking on my door.
Paulie: You got a point.

Quote from Rochelle

Paulie: I'm Paulie the Bookie.
Rochelle: Paulie the what?
Paulie: The Bookie.
Rochelle: Shecky the Bookie told me I can find Chrissy the Black here.
Rochelle: Chrissy the Black?
Paulie: Yeah.
Rochelle: You mean Chris?
Paulie: Whatever. Who am I talking to?
Rochelle: Rochelley the Mom.
Paulie: Oh, the Mom. Oh. I thought you were his old lady.
Rochelle: Who are you calling old?
Paulie: I didn't mean it like that.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Look, what business do you have with Chris?
Paulie: There's a lot of action on the Phoenix game tonight, and your boy, he's on a hot streak. Shecky's got good action coming on the over and under, and I was hoping maybe if I can a heads-up on the spread.
Rochelle: Look here, Shecky...
Paulie: It's Paulie.
Rochelle: Paulie.
Paulie: Yeah.
Rochelle: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm done talking about it. [goes to close the door]
Paulie: Look, lady. It would be a lot easier if I talk to Chrissy about this.
Rochelle: I'm about to close this door, and I suggest that your hand not be between it and the wall when I do. And as for Chris, I hope you find him before I do, because his hot streak is about to be over. Understand, Shecky? [closes door]
Paulie: [o.s.] It's Paulie.
Rochelle: Whatever.

Quote from Tonya

Jim Lampley: Hello, everybody, I'm Jim Lampley. Today, we're in Bed-Stuy for the World Checkers Championship, a showdown between Tonya and Drew. In the past, Drew has routinely schooled Tonya at checkers, but today, Tonya is tremendously motivated, because three dollars are on the line. The money's on the table. Let's go to the action. [round bell dings] Tonya is the first to move, making the play for Drew's front pieces. [crowd cheering] That looks like it could have been a setup by Tonya. Drew is gonna have to pay for that move. Oh, there's a tremendous move by Drew. Here comes Tonya again. All you can say to that move is, "King me." Tonya's on the defensive again. That could be part of her plan. And look at that! A double jump. Drew never saw it coming. Drew is holding on, but there's every chance today... he's going to get beaten by a girl. Ah. There's another amazing move by Tonya. She's really got Drew on the ropes now. One jump, two jumps... what a move. That's unbelievable. Can Tonya come back now? Whoa! The impossible has happened. Tonya jumps all of Drew's remaining checkers all at once. [bell dings] Tonya has won the game.
[audience cheering wildly]
Tonya: I won! I won! [singsongy:] You lost. I won. You lost. Now, give me my three dollars.
Drew: You cheated.
Tonya: Did not.
Drew: Did too.
Tonya: No, I didn't.
Rochelle: What is going on in here? You two are screaming like you don't have a mother.
Jim Lampley: A dispute has broken out, and under the rules of the championships, Mom is here to settle it.
Drew: Tonya cheated.
Tonya: No, I didn't. I beat Drew in checkers, and now he owes me three dollars.
Rochelle: And you're gambling, too?! You ain't gonna be happy until somebody comes over here and breaks every knuckle in this family.
Jim Lampley: So Tonya over Drew in a checkers match to remember right here at the Palace in Bed-Stuy. I'm Jim Lampley. Good night.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: How much did you bet?
Julius: Fifty.
Chris: Fifty dollars?!
Rochelle: What happened to putting nothing down but on bills? Huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Can't double your money on the light bill.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's amazing how fast bad news travels.
Chris: [on the phone] Hey, Doc, it's Chris.
Doc: What?!
[montage of Doc making phone calls:]
Doc: Danny, Lakers over Phoenix. Pull your bet.
Doc: Julio, Lakers over Phoenix-- pull your bet.
Doc: Harry, no bet. Don't bet the Lakers.
Doc: Perez, pull your bet.
Doc: Bobby...
Doc: Hey, man, pull your bet.
Doc: Did you do it?
Doc: Tell him to pull his bet.
Doc: Pull your bet, man.
Doc: Reverend, yes. Pull your bet. Yeah. God bless you, too.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In my neighborhood, people didn't make a lot of money, so in order to make ends meet, people would gamble.
Young Woman: And you know what? I bet you a dollar you can't figure out which baby is yours.
Young Man: All right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I can't tell. Just about everybody played the lottery...
Man: We won!
Woman: We won?! I won. Get your ass out of my house!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even people who told other people not to gamble, gambled.
Preacher: Let me tell you this gambling is a sin! With a capital P... [later:] Bingo! Praise the Lord.

Quote from Kill Moves

Adult Chris: [v.o.] People would gamble on anything.
Vanessa: I'll bet you a dollar you can't guess how many cans of tuna I got in here.
Jerome: Twelve.
Vanessa: Damn!
[elsewhere:]
Kill Moves: [with an empty hand] I bet you can't guess how many apples I got in my hand.
Boy: Five.
Kill Moves: Damn! [hands over money]

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The one thing everybody bet on was sports.
Doc: Whoo!
Chris: What?
Doc: I'm about to make some money, that's what. I gotthe Bulls over the Bucks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't gamble, but I knew a bad bet when I saw it.
Chris: The Bulls can't beat the Bucks. I mean, yeah, they have Jordan but Don Nelson can coach circles around Kevin Loughery.
Doc: The Bucks over the Bulls? You're crazy!
Chris: Wanna bet?

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