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‘Everybody Hates Gambling’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Gambling

219. Everybody Hates Gambling

Aired April 23, 2007

Chris becomes the neighborhood's favorite odds-maker after talking Doc which team he thought would win. Meanwhile, Tonya tries to beat Drew at a game of checkers.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Dude, this is bad.
Chris: Tell me something I don't know.
Greg: The estimated weight of the earth is six sextillion tons.
Chris: Greg, that was a rhetorical question.
Greg: Sorry. I told you this was going to happen. Chris, there's only one way out.
Chris: And what's that?
Greg: We can disguise you as a Dominican. You'll speak Spanish and move to the Bronx. We'll call you Salvador Armando Guillermo Sanchez Garcia Morales. You'll never see your family again, but you won't have to pick any more games.
Chris: Or I could just pick the wrong team and everybody will think I'm a loser again and then nobody will ask me to pick anymore.
Greg: You could try that, too.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: I don't understand this. Why everybody in this house knows how much I hate gambling, and yet everybody in this house is gambling. Can somebody explain this to me? Julius? Chris? Drew? Can you guys explain? Tonya. What do you have to say for yourself, sweetheart?
Tonya: Drew was teasing me at checkers, so I bet him so he would stop.
Rochelle: And where did you get money to place this bet?
Tonya: Daddy.
Rochelle: Oh. Your daddy gave you money to gamble. Isn't that sweet? Give it here. [takes money from Tonya] Julius.
Julius: I was doing it just to help her build confidence.
Rochelle: Oh. You were building your daughter's confidence by turning her brother into a sucker. That's good. That's really good. [laughs] And Chrissy the Black? You're just there calling games like you're in Atlantic City, huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Notice she said "if."

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: But I wasn't gambling.
Rochelle: [mockingly:] You wasn't gambling. Well, I don't know what they call it, Mr. Spread on the Over-Under, but you better get ready to stop not gambling.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] "You better get ready to stop not gambling?"
Julius: What?
Rochelle: The point is: boy, you better stop!
Chris: Well, I already put a stop to it. I lied to Doc about who was going to win tonight's game.
Rochelle: Oh, so you're gambling and you're lying? How long is it gonna be before we have bodies under this house? Huh?!

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Wait a minute. There's only $50.
Vanessa: I know. I know. I didn't make the bet. Just when I was about to put your money down, Chrissy the Black said don't do it, Phoenix is going to lose. If it wasn't for him, we all would have made some money.
Chris: How was I supposed to know?
Vanessa: You're Chrissy the Black?
Rochelle: Yep, that's him. You see? You got people thinking they're gonna win, when you know they're gonna lose. If you'd let them lose, they probably could have won. That's why I hate gambling! 'Cause you can't win for losing!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's the part where I lose.
Rochelle: Now get your butt upstairs!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You're going to fix this. Oh, and you're going to fix this now.
Julius: How's he going to fix it? You can't change a bet once you've placed it.
Rochelle: I don't care. You're going to call Doc, and you're going to tell him the truth. And you know what? I'm going to change your name from Chrissy the Black to Chrissy the Black and Blue.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything. Fights...
[flashback to Gene and his friends watching two boys play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots in the street:]
Gene: Come on, blue. Let's go. Come on, blue. Doggonnit! [grunting]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He gambled on races...
[flashback to Gene and his friends watching two kids ride their tricycles:]
Gene: Doggonnit!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He even bet on the weather.
[flashback to Gene and his friends in a bar:]
Gene: I got ten dollars on sunny and 79.
[flashback to Gene getting soaked in the rain:]
Gene: Doggonnit!

Quote from Julius

Vanessa: So you don't gamble at all?
Rochelle: No! Not at all.
Vanessa: What about Julius?
Rochelle: Julius won't even bet you his own name is Julius.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only bet my father would place was this...
[fantasy: Julius is in a restaurant booth with a group of men:]
Julius: I see your "20% off" coupon and raise you a "buy one get one free" coupon.
Mr. Omar: Too rich for my blood.
Man: Fold.
Kill Moves: I'll see your coupon and raise you a boot.
Julius: I'm out.

Quote from Julius

Vanessa: Yeah, I tell you what, I tell you what. Now, you loan me ten dollars, I'll put a little somethin' somethin' down on the Houston-Utah game for both of us tonight.
Julius: Nobody in this house is putting a little down on anything except the bills.
Rochelle: Told you.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I just told him who I thought would win.
Greg: Hello? That's gambling.
Chris: Greg, calm down. What's your problem anyway?
Greg: My mother.
Chris: Was your mother a gambler?
Greg: Yup. She lost a bet and had to marry my father. Then she won another bet and got to leave.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And then there's the bet she lost that got Greg here in the first place.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: Baby, what are you doing?
Tonya: [sighs] Trying to beat Drew at checkers.
Julius: Well, shouldn't he be playing?
Tonya: No. Because he bet me three dollars that I couldn't beat him. So I can't play him again till I think I can win.
Julius: Baby, you know your mother doesn't like gambling. Checkers is just supposed to be for fun.
Tonya: It was fun. But every time Drew wins, he starts teasing me, and I just want to beat him until he cries! So, you know, it could be fun again.

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