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‘Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor

301. Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor

Aired October 1, 2007

When Chris flunks a school test, he is sent to see the guidance counselor, Mr. Abbott (Chris Rock). Meanwhile, Julius tries to economize while buying the kids new clothes.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Abbott: Okay, let's start. Father.
Chris: Tired.
Mr. Abbott: Mother.
Chris: Bald.
Mr. Abbott: Excuse me?
Chris: Sorry. I was still on "father."
Mr. Abbott: Thank God. I thought you had a bald mother.

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Quote from Manny

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad didn't go to college and neither did my mother, so I tried to find out if I knew anybody who did.
Chris: Hey, Manny, did you ever go to college?
Manny: Always wanted to, but I found out I couldn't.
Chris: Why not?
Manny: I had this thing called "extenuating circumstances."
Mr. Omar: Like what?
Manny: I never finished high school. So I got a job here and when Manny died, I took over.
Chris: Wait, you had the same name as the owner?
Manny: No, no, no, my name was Lester. But I had to make a choice: change the sign or change my name. And that sign was expensive.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was throwing clothes in the box, Greg was thinking outside the box.
Mr. Abbott: You did unbelievable on this test. There's a lot of things you could do when you get out of college.
Greg: At first, I was thinking I could start up an investment banking firm, or maybe franchise a coffee store.
Mr. Abbott: "Franchise a coffee store"? That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. A store that sells nothing but coffee? Well, what you going to open up next? A place that sells nothing but staples? Oh, what's after that? A place that sells everything for 99 cents? [sniffs] You smell anything?
Greg: Well, see that's what I was going to tell you. I settled on being an astronaut. I'm... I'm wearing a diaper.
Mr. Abbott: A diaper?! You mean, you want to fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?
Greg: Well, they don't make you do it but I wanted to see if I could take it.
Mr. Abbott: Nobody could take it, Greg. Now, get the funk out of my office. [sniffing] Gah!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You keep talking about tests. I'm here to talk about my son. I mean, what does a test prove anyway? Charles Manson passed some tests.
Mr. Abbott: I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your son.
Rochelle: Well, I'm saying that there's something wrong with you. You're supposed to be a guidance counselor.
Guide.
Mr. Abbott: I did the best I could.
Rochelle: No, you didn't. "Go find yourself." What is that?
Mr. Abbott: I'm not trying to hold your son back. But going to college without knowing what you want to study is kind of like going to a grocery store without knowing what you want to eat.
Rochelle: And telling a boy to figure out what he wants to do by telling him to do nothing is like telling him to learn how to swim by drowning.
Mr. Abbott: What are you talking about?
Rochelle: I don't know, but you started it.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Chris: I thought the test didn't count.
Ms. Morello: Chris, everything counts. You should know that. I would expect Greg to get suckered in by someone saying that, but with all your street smarts, you should know better than that. I'm sure with all the careers available with... hair care companies and dance show hosting, it's hard to decide, but you're going to have to apply yourself, even for that.
Chris: Hair care companies and dance show hosting?
Ms. Morello: My point is: to help you get off on the good foot, I've made an appointment for you to see the new guidance counselor.
Chris: Guidance counselor?

Quote from Chris

Mr. Abbott: Okay, let's start. School.
Chris: School.
Mr. Abbott: Teacher.
Chris: Teacher.
Mr. Abbott: Okay, I-I don't think you understand this. I-I don't need you to repeat what I say. I need you to say the first thing that comes to mind.
Chris: But what you say is the first thing that comes to my mind.
Mr. Abbott: Well, I need you to say the next thing that comes to mind.
Chris: So the second thing?
Mr. Abbott: If the second thing that comes to mind is the thing that works in your mind, then let's do that thing.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You know what, kids? I had a dream. Every time I see Shirley Chisholm, I think, "Wow, hey, that could have been me." [chuckles] Yeah, I could have done a lot of things. [chuckles] I could have won a Pulitzer Prize.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If she only learned how to Pulitzer.
Rochelle: I could have been a Poet Laureate.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That don't rhyme.
Rochelle: You know what? I even could have won a Cy Young Award.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If she could only throw a knuckleball.
Rochelle: But instead I decided to raise your family.
Julius: My family? Now it's my family.
Rochelle: That's right. Your family. And what thanks do I get? [mimicking] Whatever you want to do, Chris, just make sure you like it. That's what he said to you.
Julius: I didn't mean it like that.
Rochelle: You know what, Julius? I don't want to make you any more unhappy than you already are.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Abbott: Hey, hey, hey, don't get mad at me, short bus. You're the one that didn't take this test serious. It's a test. What did you think was gonna happen? You know what they do to food before they give it to people? They test it. They don't even give people, uh, paper towels without testing it first. How do you think they know that Bounty is the quicker picker-upper? They test it, and you know what happens to all the other paper towels that couldn't sop up the grease? They fail and get sent back.
Chris: Well, maybe if they would've told the paper towel that he needed to sop up the grease to get to the store, he would've done better.
Mr. Abbott: What are you talking about?!
Chris: I don't know. You started it.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Abbott: What we're going to do is the word association test. I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind.
Chris: Brain.
Mr. Abbott: Excuse me?
Chris: Brain. You said "mind" and I said "brain."
Mr. Abbott: Yeah, but we haven't even started yet.
Chris: Oh, sorry.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Abbott: Okay, I'm going to make it a little simpler for you. Slow.
Chris: Fast.
Mr. Abbott: Dumb.
Chris: Sucker.
Mr. Abbott: Punk.
Chris: Chump.
Mr. Abbott: Idiot.
Chris: Fool.
Mr. Abbott: Who?
Chris: You.
Mr. Abbott: What?
Chris: Chicken-butt.
Mr. Abbott: Put it in a cup.
Chris: Go around the corner and lick it up. [Mr. Abott starts writing] Oh, wait a minute.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What the hell is that smell? [Chris points to Greg] Greg, is that you, boy?
Greg: I'm studying to be an astronaut.
Rochelle: Well, even astronauts wash their-
Chris: Come on, Ma.
Rochelle: My God!
Mr. Abbott: [to Greg] Nope, nope, nope. Get out of here, Funky Brewster.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Every day of my life, my mother threatened to knock the lobes off my ears or slap the pores off my face, but if anybody else ever put me down, she was always there to pick me back up.
Rochelle: Look, Chris, I don't know what you're going to do with your life. You may go to college, you may not. But I know whatever you do, you're going to be good at it. 'Cause I ain't having no grown man sleeping in my house.
Chris: Yes, ma'am.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, after looking at your test results, I'm very concerned.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd been getting my ass whooped for two years and now she's concerned?
Chris: What are you concerned about?
Ms. Morello: You did horribly on your test. With that on your record, it could seriously harm your chances of going to college, even if you get a basketball scholarship.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is she crazy? There's no grades they won't take if you can play basketball.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Abbott: Chris, what do you want to do when you get out of school?
Chris: I don't know.
Mr. Abbott: You know, you got about as much direction as a broken compass. I'm surprised you were even able to find your way to this office. According to this test, you put the "upid" in "stupid." The way I see it, you're about... two bad decisions away from a life of crime.
Chris: I don't know anything about crime.
Mr. Abbott: Make that one bad decision.
Chris: Can you help me?
Mr. Abbott: Well, unless they hire Big Bird, I'm going to have to.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tanked the test because I thought it didn't count. Looking at my grades, you'd think I couldn't count.
Mr. Abbott: How did you even make it into ninth grade? I mean, they should have picked up on this years ago.
Chris: How many did I get wrong?
Mr. Abbott: It's a skills assessment test, Chris, and basically what it says is that you don't have the propensity for any skill.
Chris: Propensity? I got propensity.
Mr. Abbott: Do you even know what "propensity" means?
Chris: No.

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