221. Everybody Hates Math
Aired May 7, 2007
Chris needs help with algebra if Ms. Morello's class is to win a pizza party, so he turns to his grandmother, Maxine (Loretta Devine). Meanwhile, Drew breaks his dad's chair, and Julius gives Risky a job.
Quote from Greg
Greg: You've got to come through for us, dude. Remember last year how we could smell the pizza coming down the hall and then passing us by and leaving us like the last helicopter out of Saigon?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg had watched First Blood on TV the night before.
Greg: I don't want to go through that again.
Quote from Ms. Morello
Ms. Morello: Now, Chris, my request for the school to provide you with an alternate victory meal of ribs and pigs' knuckles was denied, but I know as well as you do that you loves you some pizza, right?
Chris: Uh... right.
Ms. Morello: Well, I'd like our class win, but If you don't get your average up, that's not going to happen.
Chris: But I'm trying. I just don't get algebra. Maybe you could tutor me after school.
Ms. Morello: I'm sorry, Chris. I don't have time. Have you called the United Negro College Fund? Maybe they can help.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] History would later prove her wrong.
Ms. Morello: All I'm trying to say is: if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I'm gonna get sliced.
Quote from Jerome
Chris: You think I could get an algebra tutor?
Rochelle: An algebra tutor? In Bed-Stuy?
[fantasy: Jerome is holding a whiteboard on the street:]
Jerome: Now, there are six units and 12 tenants in this building. If "X" equals the number of units with televisions, and "Y" equals the people who are at work right now, how many TVs can we steal, hmm?
Quote from Greg
Chris: You're sure you can't do this?
Greg: I can't. My cousin from south Jersey wants to drive me around Brooklyn and listen to "Born in the USA."
Greg: It's a long story.
Quote from Rochelle
Chris: You know, maybe Grandma can help me. We could call her.
Rochelle: No, because she's gonna to tell you the same thing. If you can add and subtract, you can do this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother applied that logic to a lot of situations.
[fantasy: the family are wearing black clothing next to a vault:]
Rochelle: If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe.
[fantasy: Drew and Rochelle are wearing scrubs in a surgical theater:]
Rochelle: Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, then you can stitch up a chest. Suture!
[fantasy: Rochelle and Tonya are by the door of a plane:]
Rochelle: If you can jump rope, you can jump from a plane. Go! Go! [Tonya screams] Oh, baby, you forgot your parachute!
Quote from Risky
Cooper: Somebody broke into the truck again last night. Stole the coffeemaker, they stole the coffee, they stole the sugar, they stole the creamer, they stole the straws, they stole the stirrers, they even stole the Sweet'N Low. All they left me was three bags of Earl Grey tea and these cups. I can give you the water, but you have to heat it yourself.
Risky: What if I give you a new coffeemaker? Fifteen bucks.
Cooper: Fifteen bucks?! Last time, you only charged me ten. The time before that, you charged me 20. And both times, they looked like the same coffeemaker.
Julius: Now, what are you doing?
Risky: What? I'm just trying to make a little extra money on the side.
Julius: Your job here is unloading papers, not selling stolen coffee pots.
Risky: It's not stolen, it's recovered.
Cooper: Yeah. And if you stop recovering them from me, I could stop recovering them for you.
Julius: When you're with me, you got one job: unloading papers.
Risky: I'm not trying to hurt nobody, man. We're all in this together. It's the business cycle. If he can't sell coffee, you can't sell papers, next thing you know, we're all out of a job.
Cooper: Twelve bucks! This time, I want the coffeemaker, I want a pistol, and I want some No-Doz.
Julius: Go get the coffeemaker.
Quote from Joey Caruso
Joey Caruso: Hey, Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust out of you.
Quote from Rochelle
Rochelle: No! [bites apple]
Rochelle: That's wrong!
Rochelle: Eh! Wrong!
Rochelle: Since when does Y equal X?
Rochelle: Are you crazy?! X does not equal Y! You carry the two over the N. I mean, how hard can it be?!
Rochelle: God, Chris, what kind of answer is that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The kind you come up with, with a crazy woman screaming at you.
Quote from Rochelle
Rochelle: No! No! What are you doing? N plus five over minus 16 equals minus 1. What's the answer?
Chris: I don't know.
Rochelle: [grunts] No, no, no, the other side.
Chris: What difference does it make?
Rochelle: What difference does it make?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Note to self: when dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask "What difference does it make?"
Rochelle: If you put it on that side, it's wrong. That's the difference.
Quote from Tonya
Julius: Tonya, you been sitting in my chair?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If that were me, Tonya would've been telling already. But for Drew, she had something better in mind.
Tonya: Yeah, I sat there. What happened?
Julius: I think you broke it.
Tonya: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Julius: That's all right. I think I can fix it. [exits]
Drew: How come you didn't tell?
Tonya: Because you're going to do whatever I tell you to do. And if you don't, then I'm gonna tell. Now go get me some popcorn. Go ahead.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if that's how Hillary Clinton got started.