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‘Everybody Hates Math’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Math

221. Everybody Hates Math

Aired May 7, 2007

Chris needs help with algebra if Ms. Morello's class is to win a pizza party, so he turns to his grandmother, Maxine (Loretta Devine). Meanwhile, Drew breaks his dad's chair, and Julius gives Risky a job.

Quote from Greg

Greg: You've got to come through for us, dude. Remember last year how we could smell the pizza coming down the hall and then passing us by and leaving us like the last helicopter out of Saigon?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg had watched First Blood on TV the night before.
Greg: I don't want to go through that again.

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Now, Chris, my request for the school to provide you with an alternate victory meal of ribs and pigs' knuckles was denied, but I know as well as you do that you loves you some pizza, right?
Chris: Uh... right.
Ms. Morello: Well, I'd like our class win, but If you don't get your average up, that's not going to happen.
Chris: But I'm trying. I just don't get algebra. Maybe you could tutor me after school.
Ms. Morello: I'm sorry, Chris. I don't have time. Have you called the United Negro College Fund? Maybe they can help.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] History would later prove her wrong.
Ms. Morello: All I'm trying to say is: if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I'm gonna get sliced.

Quote from Jerome

Chris: You think I could get an algebra tutor?
Rochelle: An algebra tutor? In Bed-Stuy?
[fantasy: Jerome is holding a whiteboard on the street:]
Jerome: Now, there are six units and 12 tenants in this building. If "X" equals the number of units with televisions, and "Y" equals the people who are at work right now, how many TVs can we steal, hmm?

Quote from Greg

Chris: You're sure you can't do this?
Greg: I can't. My cousin from south Jersey wants to drive me around Brooklyn and listen to "Born in the USA."
Chris: What?
Greg: It's a long story.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: You know, maybe Grandma can help me. We could call her.
Rochelle: No, because she's gonna to tell you the same thing. If you can add and subtract, you can do this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother applied that logic to a lot of situations.
[fantasy: the family are wearing black clothing next to a vault:]
Rochelle: If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe.
[fantasy: Drew and Rochelle are wearing scrubs in a surgical theater:]
Rochelle: Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, then you can stitch up a chest. Suture!
[fantasy: Rochelle and Tonya are by the door of a plane:]
Rochelle: If you can jump rope, you can jump from a plane. Go! Go! [Tonya screams] Oh, baby, you forgot your parachute!

Quote from Risky

Cooper: Somebody broke into the truck again last night. Stole the coffeemaker, they stole the coffee, they stole the sugar, they stole the creamer, they stole the straws, they stole the stirrers, they even stole the Sweet'N Low. All they left me was three bags of Earl Grey tea and these cups. I can give you the water, but you have to heat it yourself.
Risky: What if I give you a new coffeemaker? Fifteen bucks.
Cooper: Fifteen bucks?! Last time, you only charged me ten. The time before that, you charged me 20. And both times, they looked like the same coffeemaker.
Julius: Now, what are you doing?
Risky: What? I'm just trying to make a little extra money on the side.
Julius: Your job here is unloading papers, not selling stolen coffee pots.
Risky: It's not stolen, it's recovered.
Cooper: Yeah. And if you stop recovering them from me, I could stop recovering them for you.
Julius: When you're with me, you got one job: unloading papers.
Risky: I'm not trying to hurt nobody, man. We're all in this together. It's the business cycle. If he can't sell coffee, you can't sell papers, next thing you know, we're all out of a job.
Cooper: Twelve bucks! This time, I want the coffeemaker, I want a pistol, and I want some No-Doz.
Julius: Go get the coffeemaker.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust out of you.

Quote from Rochelle

[montage:]
Rochelle: No! [bites apple]
Rochelle: Wrong!
Rochelle: That's wrong!
Rochelle: Incorrect!
Rochelle: [groans]
Rochelle: No!
Rochelle: Incorrect!
Rochelle: Eh! Wrong!
Rochelle: Since when does Y equal X?
Rochelle: Are you crazy?! X does not equal Y! You carry the two over the N. I mean, how hard can it be?!
Rochelle: God, Chris, what kind of answer is that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The kind you come up with, with a crazy woman screaming at you.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: No! No! What are you doing? N plus five over minus 16 equals minus 1. What's the answer?
Chris: I don't know.
[later:]
Rochelle: [grunts] No, no, no, the other side.
Chris: What difference does it make?
Rochelle: What difference does it make?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Note to self: when dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask "What difference does it make?"
Rochelle: If you put it on that side, it's wrong. That's the difference.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: Tonya, you been sitting in my chair?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If that were me, Tonya would've been telling already. But for Drew, she had something better in mind.
Tonya: Yeah, I sat there. What happened?
Julius: I think you broke it.
Tonya: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Julius: That's all right. I think I can fix it. [exits]
Drew: How come you didn't tell?
Tonya: Because you're going to do whatever I tell you to do. And if you don't, then I'm gonna tell. Now go get me some popcorn. Go ahead.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if that's how Hillary Clinton got started.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grand mother, made me feel guiltier than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, Tonya was continuing to undo the work of Abraham Lincoln.
Tonya: Drew, hand me the remote.
Drew: No. I'm sick of you. You get it.
Tonya: Daddy!
Drew: Go ahead. What are you gonna tell him, that I broke his chair?
Tonya: Yep.
Drew: But you told him you did it. So if you tell him I did it, I'm gonna tell Mama you lied on me. And you're gonna have to tell her either you lied this time or you lied that time. And either way, you lied. So if I get a beating from him, you're gonna get a beating from her. So you want to tell or you want to get up and get that remote?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew stamped Tonya's blackmail "Return to sender."
Julius: What is it?
Tonya: Never mind.
Drew: Oh, and, uh, while you're up, make sure you get me some popcorn.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: I asked Doc for the day off.
Rochelle: Why? What's wrong?
Chris: Algebra. We have this pizza day coming up and we can't win unless I bring up my test score.
Rochelle: Is that how they get you to pass your classes these days, is by giving you pizza? I guess if they gave you steak, you'd be head of the class.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And if they gave you chicken, you'd open at the Apollo.

Quote from Risky

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because of the crack trade, it was a lot harder for Risky to make money on the streets. He couldn't make money on electronics.
[fantasy: Risky is selling electronics out of the back of his van:]
Risky: This is a brand new VCR. $30.
Electronics Crackhead: I'll sell you 30 for $1.
[fantasy: Risky is selling clothes in the salon:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He couldn't make money on clothes.
Pam: This is nice.
Risky: It's real leather, $50.
Leather Crackhead: I'll sell this one to you for a $1.50.
[fantasy: Risky is manning an ice cream truck:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He couldn't even make money on food.
Risky: One Bomb Pop. Two dollars.
Kill Moves: Sell you a lick for a nickel.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When the going gets tough, the tough get going. So I got going to grandma's house.
Maxine: Chris, what are you doing here?
Chris: Hi, Grandma. I need your help.
Maxine: What's the problem?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mama, plus me, times algebra, equals you.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Risky was doing the soft sell, Tonya was taking a hard line.
Tonya: Hey, Drew.
Drew: What?
Tonya: My shoe's untied.
Drew: So what?
Tonya: So tie it.
Drew: I'm not tying your shoe. You tie it.
Tonya: Nah, that's okay. Maybe I'll just wait till Daddy gets home and I'll ask him if he wants to tie it.
Drew: Okay, I'll tie it.
Tonya: Put it in a bow.
Drew: Thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's a good thing she can't read minds.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just because my grandmother was better at teaching math, didn't mean I was any better at learning it.
Maxine: You're doing that wrong.
Chris: What do you mean?
Maxine: Chris, are you paying attention?
Chris: I thought I was.
Maxine: Pizza is not the only thing you won't be getting if you don't pass this class. What? You want to grow up to be a toll booth operator?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I did, but E-ZPass took all the jobs.
Maxine: What am I gonna have to do to get you to understand this?
Chris: Well, how much longer do we have to work?
Maxine: Now, why do you ask?
Chris: 'Cause the Mets are about to play.
Maxine: Oh, so you like baseball, huh?

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I was finally getting into the swing of things.
Maxine: Okay, Chris, in yesterday's game, Darryl Strawberry batted .500 with six at bats. How many hits did he get?
Chris: Okay, "A" equals the number of at bats, which is six. And "B" equals the batting average.
Maxine: Which is?
Chris: .500. And .500 equals "H", which is the number of hits over six. So if you multiply both sides of the equation by six, you will see that the number of hits is... three.
Maxine: That's right. You got three in a row!
Chris: Can we do another one?
Maxine: Okay, you work out another one. I'll get this door. [opens door] Rochelle?
Rochelle: Mama, I need your help. Chris?
Chris: Ma?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of As The Ghetto Turns.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother found out I was going behind her back for tutoring, she was her usual understanding self.
Rochelle: Chris, how come you just didn't say something instead of sneaking around? I mean, what else are you learning on the side? English? Science? History? Where does it stop?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] One day, she caught me speaking Latin and kicked me out of the house.

Quote from Risky

Julius: What's in the box?
Risky: This is that new stereo you were looking at. My way of saying thanks.
Julius: I appreciate it.
Risky: Ah, stop, man, stop. It's $20.
Julius: What?
Risky: It was $50.

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