Greg Wuliger Quotes Page 2 of 14
Quote from Everybody Hates Being Cool
Chris: I'm a lookout. And if the cops come, I'm supposed to blow this whistle.
Greg: Dude, that makes you an accessory before, during and after the fact.
Chris: I know. I don't even want to be here. But I'm kind of stuck.
Greg: You got to think about this, Chris. My uncle was a lookout one time, and he ended up getting shot in the throat.
Chris: In the throat?
Greg: Yeah, he didn't die, but he ended up wearing a turtleneck for the rest of his life.
Quote from Everybody Hates Fake IDs
Greg: What's the matter? You look depressed.
Chris: I waited in line all day yesterday for Fat Boys tickets, and just when I made it to the store, they sold out.
Greg: No problem. I got tickets.
Chris: How?
[flashback:]
Greg: Sold out?! But I've been waiting in line for Hall and Oates tickets for three hours!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hall and Oates wouldn't wait three hours for Hall and Oates tickets.
Attendant: All we got left is Fat Boys tickets.
Greg: Ah, what the heck, I'll take two.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Class President
Chris: I'm going to drop out. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know it would be this hard.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't want to win an election and lose a friend.
Greg: No, you have to stay in.
Chris: What for?
Greg: "What for?" Because you're not just doing this for yourself, you're doing it for us. You said it yourself. You're tired of us being pushed around. You're tired of people always making fun of us. Remember? You're not going to take it anymore. That's what you said.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later that year, Oprah ran into Greg at Kmart. He gave her the same speech, and the rest is history.
Quote from Everybody Hates Elections
Greg: I redid your posters. We need to take advantage of DiPaolo being your running mate.
Chris: Uh... Well, where's my name?
Greg: Down here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd get votes if they didn't read the fine print.
Chris: I'm the one running for president. I think my name should be a little bit bigger than that.
Greg: I have another one.
Chris: White people at the beach?
Greg: No, happy White people at the beach.
Ms. Morello: Chris. Oh, that's great! Where's your picture?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Next to Waldo.
Quote from Everybody Hates Math
Chris: You're sure you can't do this?
Greg: I can't. My cousin from south Jersey wants to drive me around Brooklyn and listen to "Born in the USA."
Chris: What?
Greg: It's a long story.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Last Day
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Finding out that Caruso loved cats was one thing. Finding out how to use it against him was something else.
Greg: Maybe you could kidnap one of his cats, hold him for ransom, and when he doesn't send the money, you could cut off one of the cat's ears, send it in a plain brown wrapper just to let him know you're serious.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At that moment, I was happy that I'd always been nice to Greg.
Chris: What the heck is this?
Greg: Banacek. I'm mixing it up.
Quote from Everybody Hates Blackie
Greg: A dog. That's so cool.
Chris: Yeah, but I can't get him to do anything.
Greg: Here's a couple of books on dog training.
Chris: You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?
Greg: I got lots of stuff in here. Let's see... Got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal, mostly Lalique, How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible... and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.
Quote from Everybody Hates New Year's Eve
Chris: [answers phone] Hello?
Greg: Dude, it's Greg.
Chris: What'd she say?
Greg: I got some bad news. They're going to celebrate New Year's Eve, but it's not in Times Square, it's in Tiananmen Square. And it's not tonight, it's the Chinese New Year. So it's not till February. But she said you can still come if you want.
Chris: To China? No, I don't think I'll be able to make it.
Greg: Sorry, dude.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too bad I didn't make a New Year's resolution to be depressed.
Quote from Everybody Hates Mr. Levine
Chris: She said hi. So what?
Greg: No, she said, "Hi, Chris and Greg." You were nowhere near me. I've got no identity. I'm sick of it. I'm not Greg, I'm Chris-and-Greg. I'm just a sidekick.
Chris: You're not a sidekick.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what Batman told Robin.
Greg: Yeah, you're right. Sidekicks have their own identities. Tonto, Hutch, Watson, Robin, Kato, Tattoo, Chong, Poncho, 99, Tubbs. I don't want to be Chris-and- Greg for the rest of my life.
[fantasy - a newscast:]
News Anchor: Governor Chris-and-Greg was arrested today on prostitution and racketeering charges. Governor Chris-and-Greg was elected two years ago on a law and order platform, and now Governor Chris-and-Greg faces up to three years in prison.
[reality:]
Greg: Why is it Chris and Greg anyways? Why isn't it Greg and Chris?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because it's not your show.
Quote from Everybody Hates Fake IDs
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had two Fat Boys tickets. Now I had to get two skinny boys to pass for 18.
Chris: Look, I've been thinking. All I have to do is get out of the house, then maybe we can find a way to get into the show.
Greg: Well, my mother will be drunk and passed out by about 7:00. So getting out of the house won't be a problem. I could be on tour with Van Halen, and she wouldn't even notice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Years later, Greg actually toured with Van Halen for a year as a mike stand.
Chris: All right, that's good.
Greg: In terms of us going to see The Fat Boys, yes. But in truth, alcohol abuse is nothing to laugh at. And I'll be scarred forever by my mother's tragic disease, but please, continue.