German Minister: We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
Jeb: [gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.
Jeb: Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.
Jeb: It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.
Jeb: Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.

Dwight K. Schrute: Henry.
Henry: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I see Esther's back in town.
Esther: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Esther: This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
Fannie: We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Henry: Anyone mention her height?
Zeke: Yep.
Henry: Land size? [all shake heads; Henry removes his hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] Okay. [taps on car door, drives away]
Dwight K. Schrute: So, let's get it going.

Aunt Shirley: [on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Aunt Shirley: Jeb. A street pusher.
[aside to camera:]
Jeb: After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out "worm" means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.
[also to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwich.

Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me.
Clark: A Scranton nine, but, yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours, huh? I mean there are no games with fours.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.
Clark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way.
Dwight K. Schrute: By hand. [Clarks looks to camera]

Oscar: "The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!"
All: Whoo! [applause]
Nellie: "In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the Falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get."
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news...thing.

Clark: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.
Stanley: Pass.
Clark: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.
Stanley: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha—
Dwight K. Schrute: [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley]
Clark: Holy [bleep].
Stanley: No, you didn't. Sick of you and your—ooh—
Dwight K. Schrute: [fires tranquilizer gun twice more]
Stanley: [falls to the floor]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's all right. Andy approved it.

Meredith: Man, he's really in twinkle town now.
Clark: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.
Clark: You gave him three shots.

Dwight K. Schrute: He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! Oh, God. No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.

Dwight K. Schrute: Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We're running late. Let's get him inside.
Clark: We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Clark: That's actually really smart.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Clark: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.

Dwight K. Schrute: Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. [whispers] Practically made of plastic.