Mr. Ehlert: Howdy, folks, and thanks for coming down to Ehlert Motors' "Hands On A Hard Body" contest. Remember, while the contest is going on, we're still making deals. No job? No problem. No credit? No problem. Miss a payment? Well, then we've got one hell of a problem. [chuckles] All right, rules no taking hands off the car or switching hands. Bathroom breaks every four hours. And the last person standing wins. Okay, good luck, and may the best man or woman win. Hopefully it's a man. [air horn blows]

Sue: I won! I won a new car!
Mr. Ehlert: A car?! I'm not giving away a car! That's worth over $15,000! How dumb do you think I am?
Sue: What?!
Mr. Ehlert: You got to read the small print there, missy. "Win a new car trip."
Frankie: Well, that figures. It is Ehlert, after all.
Mike: Are you kidding me?
Mr. Ehlert: "Two days and one night Disney vacation, courtesy of Pioneer Galaxy Travel."
Sue: [screams] I won a trip to Disney World! That is even better than a car! [screams]

Frankie: Anyway, um... I found a paycheck for $146.32, but it's expired. So, if you'll just issue me a new one, I'll be on my way.
Mr. Ehlert: Frances, you haven't worked here in two years, and now you're coming to me begging for cash?
Frankie: Look, I just want what's owed me. You can make it a nice round number... $146. I'll forget the 32 cents.
Mr. Ehlert: You know what else is a nice round number? Zero.
Frankie: Mr. Ehlert...
Mr. Ehlert: Frances, I give my charity at home. Well, actually, I don't give it there either. But if I were gonna give charity, and I won't, I would certainly not give it at work. Now if you want your money, you gotta come in and earn it.
Frankie: But I already did! I-I mean, I know I didn't sell a lot of cars, but I made the coffee, I stacked the brochures, I came to work on time. A-almost on time.
Mr. Ehlert: Look, you're lucky you got me in a good mood. I'll tell you what, you come in this Saturday and work for me, and I'll give you the money. Now skedaddle. I've got a sitz bath in the men's room singing a siren song to my keister.

Nancy: Attention, Orsonites! We're lucky to have one of our own here to express what this town means to us. He's the one that paid for the refurbishment of our beloved cow. He's been elected mayor three times, one of them legally. I give you, Mr. Don Ehlert! [cheers and applause]
Mr. Ehlert: Look at this crowd size! Ha! Ha! What a turnout! Well, let me tell you what I love about Orson, Indiana. It's a wonderful place... to buy a car. In fact, we've got a special all weekend... buy a car at twice the price, and get the second half off. Okay, let's get this thing done and go home. And now, I give you the new and improved... Orson Cow.
[The crowd's cheers turn to gasps as they see the cow has "Ehlhert Motors 'Udderly Great Deals'" printed on it]
Mr. Ehlert: So come on down to Ehlert Motors. Free coffee! Just leave a dollar in the cup, hmm?

Mr. Ehlert: All right, team, bring it in. Take a knee. Sales are at an all-time low. That is why I'm switching to a 365-day schedule. Like that diner out on Route 7. They do very well.
Frankie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that we're working on Thanksgiving? [scoffs] Mr. Ehlert, that is just wrong.
Mr. Ehlert: Well, so is taking the country away from a bunch of Indians, but aren't you glad we did?

Mr. Ehlert: Well, this just proves that sometimes the best man for the job is a man. I'll put the cost of cleanup on your tab, Frances. This roughly makes you negative two.

Nancy: Now, I'd like to start by announcing the official name of the parade. It's "Ehlert Motors Presents The Orsontennial, Sponsored By Ehlert Motors." Mr. Ehlert, would you like to say a few words?
Mr. Ehlert: This is a buying opportunity, folks. Remember, for the week of the centennial, Ehlert Motors is rolling back prices to 1913... plus 25 grand.
Nancy: Wonderful.

Mr. Ehlert: Trailing even the most pathetic of you is our newest employee, Frances Heck. Her sales record is minus one. Negative uno vehiculo. That's Mexican for not good.
Frankie: Well, you know, there is a recession on.
Mr. Ehlert: Enough of your communist whining. It's always somebody else's fault. The economy, your mama didn't breast-feed you. Oh, the government won't let you marry a houseplant. Now, I wanna hear some suggestions to perk up business. [all hands go up] And don't anybody say free mugs. [all hands go down]
Pete: Well, I'll throw you stragglers a bone. How about a free AK-47 with every sale? People love guns.
Mr. Ehlert: You really wanna arm our customers?

Mike: Hey.
Frankie: Oh, hey, I'm almost ready. Mr. Ehlert's on the warpath, so you might wanna wait in the car.
Mr. Ehlert: [o.s.] Frances!
Mike: Want me to take care of him for you?
Frankie: Oh, that would be so great. Car, go.
Mr. Ehlert: Francis, if you're not gonna sell any cars, at least could you wash out the coffee mugs?
Frankie: Um, Mr. Ehlert, this is my husband, Mike. Mike, Mr. Ehlert.
Mike: How you doing?
Mr. Ehlert: Oh, hi, Mike. Tall men, little wives. [chuckles] Always funny.

Frankie: Mr. Ehlert, by any chance, did you promise customers they could take a ride in an Indy car?
Mr. Ehlert: You bet I did.
Frankie: Do we have an Indy car?
Mr. Ehlert: No, we do not. Just tell 'em it's out on a run and they're next in line.
Frankie: Mr. Ehlert, you're better than that. Now you need to get on that radio right now and tell people we don't have an Indy car.
Bob: We're back, sir.
Mr. Ehlert: [into microphone] Uh, folks, I need to clear something up. Uh, we do not have an Indy car. We got two Indy cars and a hot air balloon! So come on down, bring the kids, and take a magical tour over Orson.