Jeff Quotes Page 1 of 8    

Quote from Customer Satisfaction

Jeff: Okay, well, Zephra's looking at the scores and the comments, so it's important that you get positive feedback. Especially this store.
Dina: What's that supposed to mean?
Jeff: There's been some chatter that 1217 is a "problem child" store.
Glenn: What?
Jeff: I mean, you did damage the store's servers, there's the raccoon infestation, there's Carol's lawsuit, not to mention the multiple attempts at unionizing.
Dina: Well, yeah, of course it's gonna sound bad when you just rattle them off in a row like that. But if you interspersed them with good things we've done or just, you know, random trivia...


Quote from Cheyenne's Wedding

Mateo: Jeff!
Jeff: [whispers] Shh. This baby's asleep.
Mateo: Have you been at the wedding this entire time?
Jeff: Yes. You saw me when I came in, and then I think we made eye contact when we were both in line for the bathroom a while ago.
Mateo: I don't think so. I... Anyway, um, it's good to see you.
Jeff: Not you. I hate you.
Mateo: What?
Jeff: Yeah! You dumped me out of nowhere, so of course I hate you. It just sounds funny because I'm whispering. Because I don't want to wake the baby up because... [Harmonica cries] And thank you. Now she's awake. You just can't stop hurting me. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna trade you. You take her. She doesn't like to bounced, okay? [whispers] I hate you. Not you. I love you.

Quote from Safety Training

Mateo: And I wish I could take it. But the truth is, um, I'm not really hurt.
Jeff: David, he's lying.
Mateo: I'm lying? What about all the times you said you were over Chad and you just jumped right back into bed with him?
Jeff: After you dumped me! I'm sorry, David. That's not relevant.
David: [on the line] That's okay. I have a gay son, so my views are very progressive.
Mateo: Okay, what about the time you said Jonah looks great in shirts? Yeah, were you lying or telling the truth then?
Jeff: I said he looks okay in shirts, but you wouldn't know that because you never listen.
Mateo: Because you add unnecessary details!
Jeff: You spent an hour talking about lavender!
David: Uh, it sounds like you guys still have some stuff to figure out. Jeff, why don't you take care of this and get back to me later, okay? Thanks. [Jeff hangs up]
Jonah: Well... that got silly.

Quote from Strike

Jeff: Corporate is just asking that you and the rest of the employees sign here. Then everybody can get back to work, and I can go home, which is a relief 'cause they've got me in a motel out by the airport. It says, "continental breakfast," but it's, like, cereal and toast. I'm like, "I can make that at home."
Dina: Not even a muffin?
Jeff: I didn't look. I was running late.

Quote from Strike

Jeff: Okay, everybody, listen up, please. Corporate doesn't want anyone to loose their jobs. They just want things the way they were. Dina is back as Assistant Manager. [all booing]
Dina: It is both an honor and a privilege to be able...
Jeff: And anybody who's willing to come in and sign the letter by the end of the day, we welcome you back. Glenn, that goes for you too. [points to Brett]
Glenn: But I'm Glenn.
Jeff: Really?
Glenn: Yeah.
Jeff: Oh, he just has an air of authority about him. Anyway, if that's something you feel you can't do, I understand, and I wish you well.

Quote from Spokesman Scandal

Jeff: As most of you may have heard, our company spokesman has been accused of some improprieties.
Garrett: By improprieties, you mean killing and eating people, right? Or is there a tax evasion thing going on as well?
Jeff: The killing and eating. I can't speak to his tax situation.

Quote from Rebranding

Narrator: [on video] What does it mean to change? To embrace progress? To transform? Cloud 9 is pleased to announce that our in-store brand "Halo" has now become "SuperCloud." A new day has dawned.
Jeff: All right, there you have it. So it's a big day today. We start our rebranding.
Cheyenne: Does rebranding mean they're redesigning the store?
Jeff: No, we'll be taking our in-store product "Halo" and changing it to "SuperCloud."
Jonah: And how are they different?
Jeff: That, uh, what I just said. It used to be called "Halo." Now it's called "SuperCloud."
Mateo: Oh.
Jeff: Maybe I'm not, um, selling the excitement of what's happening today. Let's see if this helps.
["Get Ready for This" by 2 Unlimited plays]

Quote from High Volume Store

Jeff: I guess it was when Mateo dumped me, you know, I just... I just dove into my work, 'cause I thought that would be fulfilling, but... So here I am, on the cusp of having a Quad-A store and it's like, I don't even know if I want that, you know?
Jonah: Oh, actually, we didn't make Quad-A.
Jeff: What? Dammit.
Jonah: Oh, no, it's gonna be... No! No, no, no, no, no, no. This is bad. I can't go home, Jonah. I'm [bleep]. I'm [bleep]. I bought a Subaru! That money's gone! Gone. I couldn't wait a week? One week. No discipline. [bleep].

Quote from Back to School

Myrtle: [video display] I am Myrtle, your Cloud 9 virtual greeter.
Jeff: What do you think? You said you wanted Myrtle, so I got you Myrtle. Meet our new automated greeter. Hello, Myrtle.
Myrtle: [video display] Welcome to Cloud 9.
Cheyenne: This is the big surprise?
Jeff: Cool, huh, right? I mean, it's got over 50 programmable greetings, plus you can change the background. She's flying.
Mateo: Who would want this?
Jeff: Um, you were mad at me about Myrtle, so this is, like, the next best thing to having her back. I did this for you. [Mateo scoffs]
Glenn: It's not Myrtle.
Cheyenne: Bye-bye now.
Jeff: Wait, don't go! Look! She's at the beach, guys! And now a snowstorm! And hang on, hang on, hang on, I can fix this, right, real quick. Menu, function... Guys! I can fix this! I did a good thing!

Quote from Back to Work

Jeff: Hey, everybody. Um, these are welcome back flowers.
Garrett: Oh.
Jeff: They gave me a packet of, uh, plant food for it, but I left it in the car. So if they die, I guess, just... throw them away. But, anyway... here.
Garrett: Cool.

Next Page