Sandra Kaluiokalani Quotes Page 1 of 18    

Quote from Lowell Anderson

Sandra: I can help you figure out if she's with someone. I've been monitoring her social media for months. I print out the good ones, and I put them up on a board.
Jonah: Look, it's fine. Thank you. I... It was just bugging me, you know? Like when you get a tune stuck in your head, and you can't remember what the song is. It's no big deal. Um, have you been monitoring all of our social media?
Sandra: Yep, I even know about everyone's fake accounts.
Jonah: Huh. People have fake accounts? That's weird.
Sandra: Is it, Scott McPhee? Who only follows organic farms and influencer underwear ladies.


Quote from Rebranding

Sandra: Did anyone watch Vampire Diaries last night? Damien's really gotten out of control.
Dina: You stupid slut!
Mateo: Dina...
Dina: I can't hold it in any longer.
Garrett: What's happening?
Dina: Sandra is having an affair with Jeff.
Sandra: No.
Dina: Don't you deny it! You were seen kissing on the loading dock.
Garrett: Ooh, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra! That's crazy, boo! I didn't know you had it in you. Dish, girl.
Mateo: I don't think we need to be talking about that.
Garrett: Oh, I got questions, like, when did it start?
Sandra: [long silence] About two weeks ago. He pulled me into his Kia, and he said to me, "Sandra take out your taters." [all gasp] And I did. And I put them in his face.
Garrett: Ooh, yeah! [exclaiming]

Quote from Ladies' Lunch

Amy: And, um, Sandra, you're still with Jeff?
Sandra: Um, yeah. It's fine.
Dina: It's fine? This is ladies' lunch, Sandra. We need deets.
Sandra: Oh, okay. Um... We spend hours on the phone, just talking. He loves my taste in music. I spend the night at his hotel when he's in town. We make love on silk sheets. Oh, God, he's... gentle and strong. Sometimes he's dark. He took me to the edge of his balcony once and he asked, "Are you afraid?" And I said, "Yes." And he said, "Good. That's how I feel with you." And then we made love. And then we ate dinner. And it was fancy. He thinks I'm prettier than my sister. Yeah.

Quote from Brett's Dead

Garrett: What's going on? What you guys talking about?
Jonah: Nothing.
Garrett: Nothing? So you guys are just in the hallway staring at each other saying nothing?
Jonah: Well, not nothing. I mean, we were... we were talking about...
Sandra: Jonah's going to a barbecue, and he asked if it'd be interesting to put burrata on a burger instead of provolone. And I said, "Who uses provolone?" [both laughs] And he was laughing, and then I started laughing. And then he asked, "Are burgers cliché in general?" And I said, "No, not if you use venison." But then you said, "Venison does not pair with burrata," so... here we are.

Quote from Health Fund

Sandra: No. You're trying to [bleep] us.
Jonah: Whoa.
Amy: You're trying to [bleep] us. Well, you picked the wrong day to [bleep] with Sandra Kaluiokalani!
Jonah: Oh, okay, Sandra, just calm down.
Sandra: No! I won't calm down. We have a contract, and I can sue. So, figure it out! [calmly to a customer] Can I help you to your car ma'am?

Quote from Target

Sandra: [to Jeff] Even though we never actually dated, I spent several months telling people we did. And I created these intricate memories of our relationship that feel completely real. And I have these vivid memories of your body on top of me. Your tongue in my mouth. Your hands on my breasts. That kind of thing.
Glenn: Whoo, what a trip down memory lane, huh?

Quote from Cloud 9 Academy

Jonah: Hey, Sandra, are you busy later?
Sandra: Actually, yeah. We're pulling the plug on my grandmother tonight. She was doing better for a while, then after her last stroke, she just never bounced back.
Jonah: Well, that... That sounds terrible. I- I- We were just gonna ask you to come to a meeting, but obviously you don't need-
Sandra: I can come. I just made that up to sound like I had plans. [takes pamphlet] Ooh, see you there. All right. Whoo. [walks off]
Mateo: She's really fallen apart since that whole Jerry/Carol thing.
Jonah: She is not okay.

Quote from Lowell Anderson

Jonah: Okay, I think I have a lead, but it's a long shot. Amy's cousin's ex is following one of "Scott McPhee's" favorite... influencers.
Sandra: Oh, Emma just posted.
Jonah: What? What's it say? What's it say? What's it say? "Having a great time in the snow with my mom and little bro. #FamilyTrip, #HighlnTheMountains."
Sandra: Oh, my God. She's just with Emma and Parker. She's still single. [sighs] Wow. That was scary. [laughs] Look at my hand.
Jonah: Yeah, although I am concerned about #HighlnTheMountains. Do you think Emma's smoking pot again?
Sandra: Who cares? What matters is that Amy's single. Now, here's the plan. You're gonna call Amy and say you want one last special night together. But here's what she doesn't know: I'm gonna poke a hole in the condom.
Jonah: What? No, this isn't... No, no. I'm over Amy, okay? And I'm with Hannah now.
Sandra: Then what the [bleep] have we been doing all day?

Quote from Wellness Fair

Amy: Look, I should not have gotten involved. Sandra, I'm really sorry.
Sandra: No, I feel great. No more lies. No more credit card debt from buying myself flowers. I can cancel the horse-drawn carriage.

Quote from Cheyenne's Wedding

Sandra: Sometimes the headline will say, "What happens next is unbelievable," but then it's, like, kind of underwhelming.
Jerry: I know. It's almost like they're trying to trick me into clicking.
Sandra: Yeah.

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