Jeff Quotes   Page 2 of 8    

Quote from Mateo's Last Day

Jeff: [on the phone] So the tub faucet is now working, but the drain is clogged with... I'm gonna say fur, not hair. Oh, hold on just one second, please. Guys, corporate is coming down on employee fraternization due to a recent incident.
Dina: The incident of you having gay sex with Mateo?
Jeff: I'm not at liberty to say. And we actually just call it sex. Uh, but the point is, since you two have been recently intimate...
Garrett: Wait, does this mean we gotta transfer too?
Dina: Oh, no, no way. I am just getting used to the wet horse smell coming out of Elias's locker.
Jeff: Uh, no. Mateo only needs to transfer because I'm at a district level. Sorry, that sounded like I was bragging.
Garrett: No it didn't.
Jeff: Okay, the point is, I just need you guys to fill out these disclosure forms for me. Thank you. [on the phone] Hi, sorry about that. So the phone in my hotel room, yes. Sometimes when I'm on it, I hear somebody breathing.


Quote from Workplace Bullying

Jeff: Okay, so, I wanted to bring Dina up here so we could discuss this morning's incident.
Dina: Listen, I don't need an attaboy just for doing my job, okay? But I do think it's positive that this can open a conversation about self-defense and how each of us need to take action...
Jeff: What I'm saying is, don't do what Dina did.
Dina: I'm sorry, what?
Glenn: He said, "Don't be like you."
Jeff: Dina took it upon herself to physically confront the thief. And while it worked out okay this time, it could have turned into serious injury, or death, or God forbid, a lawsuit. I'm obviously joking. A lawsuit would not be as bad as death.

Quote from Viral Video

Jeff: Look, Amy, are you going through some kind of a midlife crisis, is that it?
Garrett: Is that a new earring?
Jeff: Yes, it's a peace sign.

Quote from Safety Training

Jeff: Okay. I just spoke to corporate. This one time, they're willing to go up to $1,500. Final offer, no exceptions.
Mateo: Unfortunately, I'm still gonna pass.
Jeff: [scoffs] Okay, but $1,500 is as high as they're willing to go. I mean, it's $1,500. You understand that, right?
Mateo: I understand. The answer is still no.
Jeff: Okay, okay, fine, fine. $4,000.
Jonah: Whoa!
Mateo: Holy crap.
Jeff: And that's it. That's it, though. That's the cap.
Jonah: I thought $1,500 was the cap.
Jeff: That was the fake cap. Technically, we're allowed to go as high as $4,000, but that is it. That's the final offer.
Mateo: I'm sorry, Jeff, okay? It's still...
Jeff: $6,500, final offer.
Jonah: I feel like we have different definitions of the word "final."
Mateo: It's not about the money. Okay, the answer is no.
Jeff: Wow, okay, great. Congratulations, you just lost out on $6,500. Sweet dreams thinking about that. [walks away and returns] $15,000.

Quote from Gender Reveal

Mateo: Hey. What are you doing here?
Jeff: Oh, I'm on a break from Target. Thought I would stop by and say hi.
Jonah: How's your new job?
Jeff: Oh, at Target? Well, it's Target. It's the big leagues.
Mateo: Well, uh, thank you for visiting. It was good seeing you, but these carts aren't gonna put themselves away, so.
Jeff: Oh, uh, okay, well, then I'm going to do a little shopping for supper. Don't tell the folks at Target. I'm kidding, they don't need my business, they're Target.

Quote from Back to School

Jeff: Hey, there he is! At first, I was like, "Is that Mateo or the Rock?"
Mateo: Hi, Jeff. What brings you to the store again?
Cheyenne: Yeah, for someone who works at corporate, you're here a lot.
Jeff: Well, I'm not gonna forget about my peeps just 'cause I got promoted. I mean, I can still stop by now and then.
Cheyenne: Isn't it, like, a five-hour drive from Chicago?
Jeff: Not on a corporate jet. Which I didn't take this time, but I have seen the corporate jet. Really cool wings. Anyway, uh, if you guys ever wanted to come visit me, I'd love to show you around Chi-Town. They've got some great museums, I think, and, you know, if it's a fun night, I've got a big place, you could stay over-
Mateo: Jeff, I've moved on.
Jeff: Okay, I've moved on, too. God, get over yourself. I am doing very well. So, anyways, let me give you guys my business card. Just give me a call for any reason is fine, of course. I'm always here to help. Are you not gonna... Only 'cause if I get a finite amount, and they eventually It starts to come out of my paycheck. You know, I'm gonna go ahead and take it back now.

Quote from Managers' Conference

Amy: He's pretending to see people he knows across the room, but there's no one there.
Jeff: [across the room] Hey, buddy. There he is. I didn't know you were here.

Quote from Customer Satisfaction

Jeff: What the [bleep]? Are you [bleep] kidding me? I mean, what the [bleep] is wrong with this [bleep] store?
Glenn: Oh, my God. What happened here? Jeff, did you do this?

Quote from Wellness Fair

Mateo: Sorry, I just got excited to finally tell people.
Jeff: [quietly] No, it's okay. I'm... I'm glad it's finally public.
Mateo: Okay. Why are we in here?
Jeff: I don't know.
Mateo: Why are you whispering?
Jeff: [normal voice] I don't know.
[cut to Mateo and Jeff walking on the shop floor:]
Mateo: He's my boyfriend!

Quote from Grand Re-Opening

Glenn: [on the phone] So, maybe they're the same god, but with different responsibilities.
Jeff: Yes, can we table that?
Glenn: Oh, sure.
Jeff: I just want to make sure that, construction aside, you're going to be ready for the opening.
Glenn: Oh, don't worry. I got your email right here. Uh, we got door prizes, and Minions for the kids, and Howie Mandel's coming?
Jeff: No, not the head of marketing. The comedian. Same name.

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