Jeff: Any questions? [Garrett raises his hand]Garrett.
Garrett: Abnormally shaped how?
Glenn: Oh, okay, well, if a woman's uterus is normally shaped like a V, Jerusha's is kinda like a corkscrew. Kinda like a duck's. Wait, I'll... I'll draw it.
Jeff: I meant questions about the reclassification.

Kelly: You should go with this one. It's 4K.
Man: What does 4K mean?
Kelly: Oh, um, The first K is "knowledge." And then the second K...
Mateo: 4K televisions have 8.3 megapixels. The human eye is literally incapable of appreciating a finer resolution than this.
Man: Wow. Okay, I'll take it.
Mateo: There you go.
Man: Thank you.
Kelly: It has all of the channels.

Glenn: Turns out that when you can't pay top dollar, the surrogates you get are just a bunch of plops.
Cheyenne: Aw, I'm sure you'll find someone.
Glenn: I don't know. Sometimes I think that maybe God is trying to send me a message that people in their late 50s shouldn't conceive a child.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers, there is a carbon monoxide leak in the store. It's the silent killer, so you're gonna wanna go.

Dina: Another counterfeit.
Kelly: But I used the pen thingy and it was yellow.
Dina: Yeah, that means fake. You want brown.
Marcus: I thought it was, if it's yellow, let it mellow. Wait, no, that's piss.

Jeff: I guess it was when Mateo dumped me, you know, I just... I just dove into my work, 'cause I thought that would be fulfilling, but... So here I am, on the cusp of having a Quad-A store and it's like, I don't even know if I want that, you know?
Jonah: Oh, actually, we didn't make Quad-A.
Jeff: What? Dammit.
Jonah: Oh, no, it's gonna be... No! No, no, no, no, no, no. This is bad. I can't go home, Jonah. I'm [bleep]. I'm [bleep]. I bought a Subaru! That money's gone! Gone. I couldn't wait a week? One week. No discipline. [bleep].

Glenn: Yeah, I'll be fine. I was so close to having a baby. But... You wanna be my surrogate?
Dina: The idea of carrying your child makes me wanna put a bullet through my uterus.
Glenn: I was joking. I wouldn't want you to carry my baby if you paid me the $20,000.
Dina: Wait, you're paying $20,000? Just for someone to squirt out your kid?
Glenn: Well, yeah, a little bit more.
Dina: I mean, that's practically what I take home in a year. I could fix up my house. Pay off my credit card bills. I could put my mom away for good with money like that.

Jonah: I mean, maybe it was just who we are collectively as a nation at the time, but things just really felt like they could be solved.

Jonah: Perhaps we've lost some innocence. Perhaps the collective zeitgeist of the country has soured.

Amy: This is a disaster. Why are you dropping balloons?
Marcus: It's not my fault canceling a balloon drop looks the exact same as dropping balloons.