Carol: Today was fun. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm a weirdo, but you made me feel really cool today.
Cheyenne: Aw, can I be real with you a sec? Dina assigned me to hang out with you today to, like, write down any bad or crazy things you did. She said Corporate wanted it.
Carol: My lawyer warned me this might happen.
Cheyenne: But don't worry, I'm not gonna give them anything because, bottom of my heart, you are, like, high-key fire.
Carol: Oh, well, thanks. And I know you won't give them anything because I recorded your little confession. How you stole that makeup? So you screw with me, you get fired.
Cheyenne: Carol, that is so savage. I love you so much right now.
Carol: I know you do. Bye, bitch.
Cheyenne: Goodbye, bitch.

Carol: Wanna hear a secret?
Kelly: Sure.
Carol: I have a plan to get Jerry back.
Kelly: I'm sorry. I don't know who...
Carol: Sandra's boyfriend. Well, my boyfriend that she stole from me. He's in a coma, but I'm going to sneak into his hospital room when she's not there. I climb up on the bed, and oopsy! I forgot my underwear. Next thing you know, I'm pregnant with Jerry's baby. Now, stay with me, because this is where it starts to get a little dark.
Kelly: That's okay.
Carol: You don't want to hear the rest?
Kelly: No, I'm cool.

Cheyenne: What other private areas do you spy on us in? Are there cameras in the bathroom?
Carol: Oh, my God, are you watching us masturbate at work?
Amy: Uh... no. And you shouldn't be masturbating at work.
Carol: Then how do you know I'm doing it? [raises hand for a high-five]
Cheyenne: I'm good, thanks.

Carol: So when we do need to masturbate, where are we supposed to go?
Amy: I don't know, maybe hold it?
Sandra: You can go to your car.
Garrett: Loading dock.
Cheyenne: Milk aisle.
Amy: [clears throat]
Mateo: There's a nook in the Garden Center that's good.
Glenn: Or hell.

Carol: So it's come to this. Everyone else refused to work with me so I guess the floor supervisor has to do it.
Cheyenne: Uh, yeah, that.
Carol: Okay, top shelf. Whoops. Almost forgot my safety belt.
Cheyenne: Hmm, right. Would've sucked if you forgot.
Carol: Ugh, you know, they don't pay us enough to deal with this crap. Well, me. I guess you're making more now.
Cheyenne: Nah, I actually haven't gotten my pay raise yet. Dina said something about my paperwork still processing. I guess it has something to do with the economy being so bad or good or whatever.
Carol: No, friend, you're getting screwed. This is classic Corporate. We do all the work and they're the ones getting rich up in their fancy Zephra campus with their free sushi and daycare and covered parking.
Cheyenne: [scoffs] What? They get free daycare? Sometimes I have to leave Harmonica zipped up in our trampoline with snacks.
Carol: That's why I'm suing. I'm tired of waiting for their crumbs to hit the floor. I am taking a seat at the table, and I'm gonna lick everybody's bread.
Cheyenne: That is so gross and cool.
Carol: Thanks. You know, I'm gonna win this lawsuit for all of us, and if I lose, I'll burn down that Zephra daycare for you.
Cheyenne: Oh, my God. All I can say is wow, and, um, please don't do that.

Cheyenne: You know what else I hate? That we have to clock out before we sanitize our stations. That's still work. I'm not disinfecting everything for my health. Well, I mean, yeah.
Carol: That's Corporate for you. They ride us till we drop and then immediately sell our ass meat.
Cheyenne: [laughts] God, you are so weird.
Carol: You're so weird. [laughs] You're totally not weird. You're gorgeous like a vodka girl. I wish I could do my makeup like you.
Cheyenne: Oh, it's so easy. Honestly, all you need is the right foundation. Oh. Here. You can have it. I ganked it from the makeup counter.
Carol: [laughs] [gasps] Oh, crap. I forgot to spider wrap that pallet of Zephra tablets.
Cheyenne: Oh, right, that's, like, a huge security risk. You know what, Carol? Don't worry about it. Honestly, if they get jacked, they get jacked. Zephra can eat our ass meat. [both laugh] [Carol caughs]

Jonah: Oh, hey, there's Carol, everybody.
Marcus: Hey, Carol, can you talk to your lawyer? Jonah screwed up royally, and now she's going after Glenn.
Carol: Oh, no, I hate to hear that. But gotta let the lawyers do their job, right? [inhales] Now, what should I name my boat? I'm leaning toward "Wet Ride," but I'm open to other ideas.

Hannah: So that's all I need from you. I'll give you a call if there's any updates.
Carol: Great. And did you get my text about which employees here I think are circumcised?
Hannah: I did. Yes. Uh, I'm sorry. How do you think that helps?
Carol: You're the lawyer.

Glenn: But Dina was right. We are all monsters, who love to watch bum fights or put gross stuff in each other's lunches.
Sandra: Oh, I know that Carol messes with my lunch. That's why I always make a decoy lunch.
Carol: You don't think I know about the decoy lunch?

Carol: [scanner beeps] Ah, Kim, you suck! American Sniper, baby!
Mateo: Why does she scream American Sniper every time she hits somebody? It makes it so much worse.