Glenn: You think you can handle it?
Cheyenne: Glenn, I'm a mom.
Glenn: Okay then, that would be great. Oh, just one tip. Don't let her put marbles in her mouth. Uh, don't let anything fall on her.
Cheyenne: Okay.
Glenn: And also, don't let her get wet. And don't feed her after midnight. Just kidding, that's from Gremlins.

Glenn: [on recording] Hi, I'm Glenn. This is my voice.
Glenn: How come no one ever told me that I sounded like that?
Amy: We thought you knew.
Glenn: But that's not how I sound on the inside! On the inside, I sound like, "Hi, I'm Glenn."
Jonah: That's the same voice.
Glenn: Not what you hear. What I hear.

Glenn: I went to the movie Saw thinking it was about carpentry. It is not! I threw up in my lap. And then Jerusha made us stay because it was our date night and the tickets were non-refundable.

Woman: [on the phone] I'm sorry, the company doesn't consider pregnancy a disability.
Amy: No, I'm not asking for disability. I just need to reduce my hours because my doctor says I have to stay off my feet.
Glenn: Yeah, her feet are really swollen. You know when you open a can of Pillsbury crescent rolls and the dough just kind of bursts through? Well, it's like that only with feet and toes.

Glenn: Today is the start of a brand-new corporate initiative: "Going the Extra Smay-zle!"
Garrett: A couple questions.
Glenn: Mm-hmm.
Garrett: What is a smayzle, how do you go the extra one, and what if you probably weren't going the standard amount of smayzles to begin with?
Glenn: I... Well, Dina?
Mateo: Uh, I think it's supposed to be "Going the Extra Smile," 'cause that rhymes with "mile" and we have "aisles."
Glenn: One interpretation.

Cheyenne: Well, I've heard that E-Verify is full of bugs. Just lots and lots of bugs.
Glenn: They're not bugs, Cheyenne. They're human beings.

Glenn: One time, I gave $100 bill in change when it was only supposed to be 35 cents.
Amy: Oh.
Glenn: And then another time, I forgot to put anybody on the schedule, and I had to work the whole day alone in the store.
Amy: Hmm.
Glenn: And then, uh, and then one time I ate everybody's lunch by accident. And, um... Oh, I accidentally ordered some adult toys 'cause I thought they were puzzles.

Glenn: Okay, I've heard what you all are saying, um, but as a father of a daughter...
Garrett: Listen up, ladies, father of a daughter talking.
Glenn: Thank you. Of course I want the world to be better for Rose, but I want it to stay the same for me. Is that too much to ask?
Earl: That's all I want.
Dina: Yes, that's the problem.

Glenn: The storm shelter is just a great place to get things off your chest. Whenever I have troubles, I come down here and I shout 'em out.
Garrett: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Glenn: Here, watch me. [shouts] Why did I have a baby so late in life? [talks] You know, stuff like that.
Garrett: You know, I think I understand what you're saying, but maybe I could use some more examples.
Glenn: Okay, um... Diabetes stinks! I think I voted wrong! I think Ellen DeGeneres dances too much! It's unprofessional!
Garrett: Still not getting it.

Glenn: It is so nice to be out of quarantine and back running this store. God, I so missed talking to real people. You know, sometimes I pretended that the Nativity figurines in my garage were you guys. [to Jonah] You were the baby Jesus.
Jonah: That's... great. Thank you.