Amy: Sorry, you think that a bath bomb is the answer to all of my problems?
Glenn: It's not a real bomb, and-
Amy: Just kill yourself!
Glenn: What?
Amy: Kill yourself!
Glenn: Amy-
Amy: No, you don't get to talk right now! I am so tired! I have slept 90 minutes in three days. The lining of my uterus is coming out in clumps. I have hemorrhoids so big that my doctor looked at my [bleep] and said "Whoa!" Have you ever had a doctor look at your [bleep] and say that?
Glenn: [softly] No.
Amy: I am wearing frozen diapers so that my [bleep] doesn't fall out. Okay?!
Glenn: I know, I was just-
Amy: Why haven't you killed yourself?!

Amy: I can't believe this is what dating is now.
Garrett: Oh, you're not ready to jump back in?
Amy: No. And even if I were, I wouldn't be using an app. I'm still afraid of PayPal.

Garrett: "Aw, sweet of you to say that." "Well, it's true." "You're very spicy."
Amy: "Special." It auto-corrected.
Garrett: "Sorry, I meant spicy."
Amy: It did it again.
Garrett: "Ha, you're spicy too." "Well, the things is, Kelly, my heart wants a relationship, but my body can't handle one. I'm very ill."
Amy: I don't know. I was just trying to make it seem final, and Emma and I are reading Fault in Our Stars so...
Garrett: "The doctors don't even have a name for it yet." "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry." "I don't really like to talk about it." "No one here knows." "I understand." "Sending you good energy." Ugh.
Amy: Okay. I know this is probably not the right next step, but... what if I tried to get her fired? Or him? Help me, who should I get fired?

Amy: Oh, hey, what sounds more like a real charity, The Mateo Project, or the Liwanag League?
Jonah: This is crazy. We shouldn't have to invent a charity every single time an employee needs money to see a doctor. The Mateo Project.
Amy: Really? I think the Liwanag League.
Jonah: I mean, scrambling to pull money together whenever somebody gets sick? That's... That's inhuman.
Amy: Would love to get people to pony up before we get sick, but planning ahead just really isn't our style. No, you were right, Mateo Project.

Jonah: Wait, no, that's actually a really good idea. If we all contribute a little bit of money every month, we could create our own health fund.
Amy: [gasps] Oh, my God. Jonah. That's amazing.
Jonah: Right?
Amy: You just did it. You... You solved healthcare. I mean... Okay. So many brilliant minds have tried before you and they couldn't, and then here you are...
Jonah: Okay. [walks away]
Amy: Jonah the working class savant with a few business school credits. Jonah, where are you going? Together we could solve immigration.

Jonah: I... It's tough.
Amy: Come on, you went to business school. Can't you just track down some wasteful spending?
Jonah: It's not like there's a line item for wasteful spending.
Amy: Well, let's think outside the box or cut the pork. Like, that's a thing, right?
Jonah: Those are words, yes.

Jonah: It wasn't why I was doing it, but I really tapped into something here. These guys are really freaked out about the acquisition.
Amy: Yeah, everybody's freaked out. It's a freaky time. Just tell 'em to take it down and get back to work.
Jonah: Ah, but that'd kinda just be like a Band-Aid, wouldn't it?
Amy: Yeah, Band-Aids heal things. Why does everybody hate Band-Aids?

Garrett: Well, this has escalated.
Amy: I-I just feel like there's gotta be something that tells us who she is, like a stack of mail with an address on it, or... or... or... or like a... a car with a license plate, and we can run the plate.
Garrett: Okay, explain to me the process by which we would run a plate.
Amy: We would call someone on the force.
Garrett: The force?
Amy: Yes, that is what people call it.

Amy: [over PA] Uh, hi. I just wanted to say congratulations to Cheyenne and Bo. Um... uh, I... I love you, Cheyenne. You remind me of me. I-I also met my husband in high school, and we did the whole "baby first" thing, and then got married because we had to. I mean, not... Wah! I didn't mean we had to. I meant... I meant we got pregnant so we got married... but, um, marriage is amazing! I mean, is it hard work? Yes. Duh. Like, that's the cliché, right? "Ah, it's so hard," because it is. You know, one second everything's great, and then you step on some invisible land mine, and you're fighting. Boom! Ka-boom! Uh... 'Cause it's hard. It's just... It's hard. But... it is the hard that makes it good. That... that wasn't me. That was from A League of Their Own. Why did Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell stop being friends? I feel like something happened there, right? Maybe we should talk about that.
Garrett: [over PA] The desert table is now open for anybody who would like to stop talking.
Amy: But, okay, what I'm trying to say is that no matter how tough it gets, it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be... so...
fine. You know?
Dina: Just give me the... Give it... But I... Give it to me. [takes microphone] You heard it here first, folks. Marriage is fine. Yikes. Oh! Oh, you like the joke about Amy's marriage? 'Cause I got a ton of those. Amy's marriage is so bad...
All: How bad is it?

Amy: Yeah, see, Latino parents are different. We don't really need our kids to like us. We just break their spirit so the world doesn't.
Jonah: Huh. And why... why do you pierce your babies' ears so earl...
Amy: I am not on a panel. This is not "ask a Latina."
Jonah: Got it. I'll just find out on Reddit.