Jonah Simms Quotes Page 1 of 27    

Quote from Election Day

Jonah: Not to put my head in the lion's mouth, but now I'm thinking Times New Roman.
Amy: [sighs] Times New Roman would be a fine font, Jonah, and so would Helvetica and Garamond, and really any font would be just fine.
Jonah: Not Wingdings.
Amy: No one was suggesting Wingdings.


Quote from Health Fund

Amy: Okay, so in the first four hours, you've managed to commit us to $37,000.
Jonah: The claims just kept coming, and, you know, it's like that opening in Star Wars where the words zoom past you. And at first it's cool, but eventually you just can't keep up.
Amy: Wait, Sandra alone has asthma, rheumatoid arthritis, sciatica, fibromyalgia, leaky gut syndrome... This just keeps going.
Jonah: We just got to keep signing people up. That's all, okay? If we get everybody in the backroom to sign up then that will pay for these people. And then we can go to other branches and then that will pay for the backroom...
Amy: [gasps] This is a pyramid scheme.

Quote from Back to School

Jonah: Hey, uh, Glenn, should we all really be leaving the floor during back to school? I mean, come on, that's like... that's like playing the Super Bowl with only... uh... with fewer players than a football team would normally have.

Quote from #Cloud9Fail

Dina: "Just a normal day in America, #Cloud9Fail." Unbelievable.
Amy: What's going on here?
Dina: Uh, more people are posting photos of the store.
Jonah: You're kidding me.
Amy: This store?
Glenn: "Cloud 9 is looking a little bit cattywampus"? What does "cattywampus" mean?
Jonah: Uh, cattywampus is, I believe, regional slang for, uh, like, "all messed up." You know, I think the they use it in Arkansas. Oh, yep, there you go right there petiteroche22, that that just that means "Little Rock" in French.
Justine: Whoa.

Quote from #Cloud9Fail

Luanne: I had IT look up the websites that were visited by the same device that posted the tweets.
Jonah: Oh... kay, so that's something one could do. I didn't didn't know that.
Luanne: So I was hoping we could narrow down who it might be. Do you know anyone here who would have visited, uh, Huffington Post, Slate, The New Yorker caption contest, or done Google searches for "brine my own pickles," "Chris Hayes no glasses," and "Ronan Farrow age"?
Amy: Huh, well, you know, that really could describe just about everyone who works here.
Jonah: It's a- It's a hip group.

Quote from Employee App

Amy: It's obviously toothbrushes.
Jonah: Or is it teethbrush? Like attorneys general?

Quote from Customer Satisfaction

Jonah: The key is a personal connection. Customers eat that up, especially moms. You guys get a mom, you send her my way. I'm gonna get you that positive feedback, guaranteed.
Mateo: Ew. You're gonna sleep with all the moms to get a good survey?
Jonah: No! What?
Glenn: Jonah, please. Let's keep it clean.
Dina: Glenn, we actually legally can't tell Jonah who not to sleep with, so if you're gonna have sex with the moms, just do it on your break.
Jonah: I'm not... F- Fine.

Quote from Mannequin

[The "Jonah mannequin" is sitting in the banana display holding an incorrectly peeled banana in each hand]
Garrett: You baited the bear, huh?
Jonah: It's fine. I think it's funny. It's fine. I'm fine. This is fine.
Man: Why is he holding the bananas wrong?
Jonah: It's humans that hold them wrong!

Quote from All Sales Final

Glenn: [on video] Jonah Simms. Wow, you have had a lot of jobs.
Jonah: [on video] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I worked at a consulting firm for a few months and then an ad agency for six weeks. I sold gym memberships. I went to business school for a semester, but now I'm just at a place in my life where I really want to change. You know, I just want to spend a couple months just not using my brain. [all jeer]
Jonah: All right, yeah, I know. I get it. I know. I can't listen to myself either, so enjoy. [laughter] All right, all right.
Glenn: [on video] Use your brain?
Jonah: [on video] No, no, I mean, it's not just that. It's you know, when you think about it, a store like this is actually pretty incredible, you know? You help people do their homework and find their styles and feed their grandchildren. You know, there's magic in that. I don't know, people always talk about going out and finding something special, but, you know, maybe we don't have to look that hard. You know, maybe everything is special.

Quote from Rebranding

Jonah: Anyway, I just started driving, and... and then I saw that they were hiring here.
Rex: That's... that's great.
Jonah: Yeah.
Rex: Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that. I would've figured you were one of those guys who are on a voyage of self-discovery.
Jonah: Oh.
Rex: You know, backpacking through Asia, rolling cigars in Cuba.
Amy: Or, as Jonah would say, "Coo-ba."
Rex: He does that? [laughter]
Amy: Yeah.
Jonah: Should I be embarrassed that I pronounce it the way native Coo-banos do, or...?
Amy: You should.

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