‘Back to School’
Season 4, Episode 1 - Aired October 4, 2018
When Amy and Jonah return to Cloud 9 following their suspensions, they're struck by the different reactions to their incident. Meanwhile, newly promoted Jeff tries to win over the staff.
Quote from Jonah
Jonah: Hey, uh, Glenn, should we all really be leaving the floor during back to school? I mean, come on, that's like... that's like playing the Super Bowl with only... uh... with fewer players than a football team would normally have.
Quote from Dina
Amy: I don't know for starters, the fact that I'm extremely pregnant with my ex-husband's child is not a great time to start a new relationship.
Dina: I'm not letting my pregnancy slow me down. I'm banging my way through my whole indoor-soccer team and the refs.
Quote from Cheyenne
Sandra: If you do decide to have sex again, just check for cameras.
Jonah: We're not...
Cheyenne: Or have sex on a green sheet. That way, you can superimpose yourself doing it on a magic carpet or in outer space. Bo did that for our anniversary.
Dina: The bed of my truck is always available. I'm happy to drive around the whole time. Less likely somebody will film you.
Jonah: These are all excellent ideas, thank you.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: We'll make this quick. There was an incident relating to a sexual proposition between Amy and another employee. No need to name names. [whispers and points] It was Noam.
Mateo: Oh. Hi, Noam.
Noam: [o.s.] Hi.
Dina: Do you want me to get the harassment video?
Glenn: Oh, no, the old videos don't apply anymore. We are living in a brave, new, MeToo, Time's Up, This Is Us kind of world. There are no rules anymore. But also, there's nothing but rules.
Quote from Jeff
Myrtle: [video display] I am Myrtle, your Cloud 9 virtual greeter.
Jeff: What do you think? You said you wanted Myrtle, so I got you Myrtle. Meet our new automated greeter. Hello, Myrtle.
Myrtle: [video display] Welcome to Cloud 9.
Cheyenne: This is the big surprise?
Jeff: Cool, huh, right? I mean, it's got over 50 programmable greetings, plus you can change the background. She's flying.
Mateo: Who would want this?
Jeff: Um, you were mad at me about Myrtle, so this is, like, the next best thing to having her back. I did this for you. [Mateo scoffs]
Glenn: It's not Myrtle.
Cheyenne: Bye-bye now.
Jeff: Wait, don't go! Look! She's at the beach, guys! And now a snowstorm! And hang on, hang on, hang on, I can fix this, right, real quick. Menu, function... Guys! I can fix this! I did a good thing!
Quote from Dina
Amy: And I cannot wait for all the crap we're gonna get for our sex tape.
Cheyenne: Was it a sex tape? 'Cause it wasn't on tape. It was more like a sex stream.
Dina: Oh no, sex stream is something else. That involves a stepladder and a tarp.
Quote from Jeff
Jeff: Hey, there he is! At first, I was like, "Is that Mateo or the Rock?"
Mateo: Hi, Jeff. What brings you to the store again?
Cheyenne: Yeah, for someone who works at corporate, you're here a lot.
Jeff: Well, I'm not gonna forget about my peeps just 'cause I got promoted. I mean, I can still stop by now and then.
Cheyenne: Isn't it, like, a five-hour drive from Chicago?
Jeff: Not on a corporate jet. Which I didn't take this time, but I have seen the corporate jet. Really cool wings. Anyway, uh, if you guys ever wanted to come visit me, I'd love to show you around Chi-Town. They've got some great museums, I think, and, you know, if it's a fun night, I've got a big place, you could stay over-
Mateo: Jeff, I've moved on.
Jeff: Okay, I've moved on, too. God, get over yourself. I am doing very well. So, anyways, let me give you guys my business card. Just give me a call for any reason is fine, of course. I'm always here to help. Are you not gonna... Only 'cause if I get a finite amount, and they eventually It starts to come out of my paycheck. You know, I'm gonna go ahead and take it back now.
Quote from Kelly
Jeff: It doesn't matter what the surprise is, okay? I'm not getting back together with him. It's over.
Sandra: I bet Jeff's getting us a taco truck.
Cheyenne: Ooh, or maybe an ice cream truck.
Kelly: Ooh, I hope it's a pizza truck. Sorry, guys, kind of a pizza freak.
Mateo: Everyone loves pizza, so it's not a personality trait.
Quote from Glenn
Amy: Evening. What can I get you?
Glenn: [gruff voice] Oh, just the usual.
Amy: Another long haul tonight?
Glenn: Oh, roger that, little honey. You know, talking on the CB, you know, pulling the little string to beep the horn.
Amy: You know, uh, you've been coming in here every night since I started here, so I just wanted to let you know that tonight is my last night.
Glenn: Really? Uh, where you going?
Amy: Back to my old job. This was just temporary. A few months ago, a coworker and I were suspended for-
Glenn: I don't need to hear the details! Thank you.
Amy: I've got this manager, great guy.
Glenn: Aw. I bet he misses you. I bet he would have done anything to see you while you were gone.
Amy: He was allowed to see me if he wanted.
Glenn: Yeah... [mumbling] better safe than sorry. You know, um... Well, I better get back to the big rig. You know, the road is calling. Thanks for the company.
Amy: Yep, and, um thank you for always tipping 20 bucks on a $2 coffee that you never drink.
Glenn: Yeah ten-four, good buddy.
Amy: Hope I get to see you around sometime.
Glenn: Who knows? Might be sooner than you think.
Quote from Garrett
Garrett: [over PA] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers it's "back to school" time, so check out our discounts on notebooks, pencils, art supplies, rulers, dictionaries, weekly planners, and calculators. Or you guys can just use your phones for all that stuff.