Season 3, Episode 14 - Aired March 8, 2018
After Amy tries to befriend Kelly by covering up a work mistake, Glenn forces the staff to undertake safety training. Meanwhile, Mateo seeks compensation after a workplace injury.
Quote from Marcus
Marcus: Cheese, what is it? Dried milk.
Amy: Uh, no. I don't think that's true.
Garrett: It is. It is, Amy. It's in a PowerPoint.
Marcus: Now, we all know the standard cheeses. American cheese, cheddar cheese, pizza cheese. But what if I told you there's one more out there?
Garrett: Pepper jack?
Glenn: Kraft Singles.
Dina: Goat, Parm, blue, ricotta. I could name at least ten more.
Quote from Marcus
Marcus: No, guys, stop just yelling out random words. You're throwing me off. But what if I told you there's one more out there? Human cheese! [all retch]
Jonah: Oh, my God, is that what this is?
Glenn: I've had five samples already.
Marcus: No, no, this is just cut-up string cheese. I don't have enough money for a prototype. But it'll basically be exactly like that, I think. So who's ready to invest in the breast? It'll be udder-ly amazing!
Sandra: That's cows.
Marcus: Damn it, Sandra! You're messing with my flow. Ugh. [exhales, shudders] Cheese, what is it? Dried milk.
Quote from Sandra
Dina: But just so you know, Kelly's gonna start suspecting something if you keep lashing out at her.
Amy: What are you talking about? I don't lash out at Kelly.
Dina: [scoffs] Hey, Sandra, do you remember any time that Amy was lashing out at Kelly?
Sandra: January 4th, you said, "Kelly, I assume you've been to a monster truck rally." January 12th, you said, "Two people saying you look like Reese Witherspoon is not a lot of people."
Amy: Okay, we got it. Thanks, Sandra.
Sandra: January 20th, you said, "Wow, did they teach you that at pageant school?" January 21st, you said, "Wow, did they teach you that at pageant school?"
Amy: Okay, we got it, Sandra. Thank you.
Quote from Mateo
Mateo: I wonder how much I could get. I mean, I'm not a very good negotiator. I just always want people to like me.
Jonah: Is that... true?
Mateo: Yes! I'm nice.
Jonah: Well, if you want, I could help you with the negotiation.
Mateo: Actually, that's not a bad idea. I mean, you are relentless and annoying.
Jonah: I was going to say because I took a year of business school, but I will take that as a compliment.
Mateo: It's not, but, you know, you hear what you want to hear.
Jonah: You are nice.
Quote from Jeff
Mateo: And I wish I could take it. But the truth is, um, I'm not really hurt.
Jeff: David, he's lying.
Mateo: I'm lying? What about all the times you said you were over Chad and you just jumped right back into bed with him?
Jeff: After you dumped me! I'm sorry, David. That's not relevant.
David: [on the line] That's okay. I have a gay son, so my views are very progressive.
Mateo: Okay, what about the time you said Jonah looks great in shirts? Yeah, were you lying or telling the truth then?
Jeff: I said he looks okay in shirts, but you wouldn't know that because you never listen.
Mateo: Because you add unnecessary details!
Jeff: You spent an hour talking about lavender!
David: Uh, it sounds like you guys still have some stuff to figure out. Jeff, why don't you take care of this and get back to me later, okay? Thanks. [Jeff hangs up]
Jonah: Well... that got silly.
Quote from Kelly
Kelly: Oh, I just... I'm getting in my head, then. Sometimes I do that thing where I act like every mistake in the world is my fault.
Amy: Yeah, except for this time, you wouldn't really be that far off.
Kelly: [laughs] Although it's like, I didn't make you crash the scissor lift.
Amy: No, no.
Amy: But technically, I wouldn't have been on the scissor lift if you hadn't messed up the signs.
Kelly: I know, and then it's like, technically, I wouldn't have even been hanging the signs at all if Saint Patrick hadn't driven the snakes out of Ireland, so... How far back do we go?
Amy: Um... probably somewhere between the fifth century and this morning, I'm guessing.
Quote from Garrett
Marcus: No, uh-uh, I can't do it. I can't. I still know it's coming. And to be honest... you're freaking me out.
Garrett: You know what? I feel you. So here's what we're gonna do. It's not gonna come today, not even this week. Months will go by. You'll forget all about it. And then one day, out of the blue... [metal clangs] You're rich.
Marcus: I don't know if that...
Garrett: Even if you tell me you want to call it off, I'll say okay, but I'll know you don't really want that. You're just trying to make yourself forget it's coming. It'll never really be called off, ever. That's how much I care about getting you this money.
Quote from Mateo
Jeff: Mateo, I'm not stupid. I know why you're doing this.
Mateo: You do?
Jeff: Yeah, why waste an opportunity to make me look incompetent in front of my bosses, right?
Mateo: Oh. I mean no, that's not what...
Jeff: Okay, well, you may hate me, but I still care about you. So there. 10 grand. You're welcome.
Mateo: $10,000? I thought it was $50,000. Doesn't matter. Okay... Jeff, I don't want this.
Jeff: Well, you're taking it. I'm faxing the paperwork to legal right now.
Mateo: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you can't... you can't do that.
Jeff: Why not?
Mateo: It's complicated.
Jeff: I was in love with you. And you dumped me out of the blue, so unless there's some reason I just can't get my...
Mateo: I'm undocumented! That's why I couldn't transfer stores. That's why I can't take the money. And that's why I couldn't go on a Carnival cruise with your family. But also, like... cruises are gross.
Jeff: So wait.
Mateo: I never hated you.
Quote from Dina
Dina: Ooh. Just like a couple of plums nestled in a pair of Dockers, huh?
Dina: Jonah's butt. That you're staring at.
Amy: No, I'm not star... I'm not staring at anything.
Dina: Oh, sorry. Just, you told me about your crush on Jonah, and I'm an ass gal, so I guess I just assume everyone's an ass gal...
Quote from Marcus
Marcus: Guys, I'm telling you, the human mammary dairy market is about to explode.
Garrett: Question: if I invest, can I still eat regular cheese?
Marcus: Dude. No.