Marcus Quotes Page 1 of 24    

Quote from Blizzard

Marcus: I had just deuced in the shower.
Isaac: Ugh.
Cheyenne: Ugh.
Amy: Why?
Marcus: Okay, right, when you guys are in the shower and you have to go, you just hold it.
Amy: Yes. Yeah. That's what you do when it's a number two.
Marcus: Sure, so you don't poop in the shower every morning and stamp it down the drain with your feet? [Justine gags]
Isaac: Oh, my God.
Marcus: Okay, whatever. Screw you, snowflakes. Bunch of princesses.


Quote from Health Fund

Marcus: You know what, I'm in too. If it is a pyramid scheme, at least I will be on the top ahead of all these suckers.
Jonah: That is sound logic, Marcus.

Quote from Health Fund

Marcus: I knew it. You two are trying to rip us off. You're sitting up there in your ivory towers eating your exotic fruits with two scoops of ice cream. You're bathing in gold.
Amy: Nobody is doing any of those things.

Quote from Local Vendors Day

Mateo: Wow. Can't believe you came on your day off to sell cheese you made out of breast milk.
Marcus: Yeah, well, it's been a lot of trial and error. You know, if you don't get the consistency just right, you get boob yogurt, and that's just gross. And then there's the scavenging. Oh, and then my lizard ate a bunch of my samples.
Mateo: Wait, wait, wait. Let's go back to scavenging.
Marcus: Well, I mainly work with found milk.
Mateo: Found milk?
Marcus: Mm-hmm. You know, a mom leaves a bottle on a table at a food court and, you figure she's okay with people taking a little off the top.
Mateo: [chuckles] [gags]

Quote from Lottery

Glenn: What else can we do to have luxury on a budget?
Marcus: Sometimes, I pee in the shower. It helps save toilet water. It's not why I do it, but it's a plus. I do it to wash my feet. Urine is sterile.

Quote from Cloud 9 Academy

Mateo: Okay, how 'bout we do a rally? [Marcus sighs] Put up some banners, maybe get a band to play or something?
Jasmine: I know someone at the local news. I bet they would do a story on it.
Marcus: No, guys, I say we get some rafts, and we get some paddles and we take this guy down Bay of Pigs style.
Jonah: You know Bay of Pigs ended badly, right?
Marcus: For the pigs, maybe.

Quote from Minor Crimes

Marcus: You got to do what's for the greater good. If you could cure cancer, but you had to blow up a bus full of children, wouldn't you do it?
Amy: I mean, I guess?
Jonah: Just take the job. You're not just doing it for you. You're doing it for all of us.
Amy: I mean, I guess I would be better than Blaine.
Jonah: Yeah.
Marcus: Hey, Amy, guess what? One of the kids on that bus had the cure. [crunch]
Justine: Twist ending.

Quote from Salary

Jonah: How much do you make?
Marcus: Same thing we all make: $134,000 a year. [all clamoring]
Garrett: How do you make that much a year?
Marcus: 52 weeks times 30 hours a week times minimum wage 86 bucks an hour.
Dina: No, no, no, no. Minimum wage is $8.60 an hour.
Glenn: [gasp] I must have missed a decimal point.
Jonah: So no part of you thought to question why you were making $86 an hour to work retail?
Marcus: I thought that's what we all made. [all sigh] How do you guys live on under $134,000 a year?

Quote from Salary

Marcus: I don't know how I'm gonna pay back Corporate. I'm broke.
Jonah: How? You live with your mother. Your car doesn't have any doors. And you've been making $134,000 every year for the last six years. Where does all the money go?
Marcus: I don't know. I get the guacamole from Chipotle every time.

Quote from Election Day

Marcus: [to Myrtle] Hey, you're gonna vote how I tell you to vote, or I swear to God, I'm gonna put a cricket in your house, and you'll never know where it is, and it'll drive you crazy.

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