Mateo: Why would anybody be attracted to Jonah? He looks like a villain on the CW.

Mateo: I sign up a lot of... rewards customers. I mean, I... can't remember every single one.
Glenn: It's just that I noticed they seem to have really unusual names. Ned Duracell. Jim Toblerone. And just this morning, you signed up a Martin Nestle.
Mateo: Oh, Martin! Uh, yeah. I... I remember him. Uh, good guy. Nice family.
Glenn: Mateo, can you think of any reason why Martin's email bounced back?
Mateo: He gave me a fake email?
Glenn: That's one reason. Um... But another one is... a-and I'm not accusing you of this, but maybe... You made him up?
Mateo: What? Glenn! Wow!

Mateo: Oh, hey, Glenn! It was really bugging me that Martin Nestle lied about his email address, so I did some digging and I found his actual email on his company website.
Glenn: Boogie-Time Boogie Boards, Incorporated. That doesn't look like a very professional website, does it?
Mateo: I know, right? These beach bum types. [clears throat] Anyway... There he is. Martin Nestle, CEO.
Glenn: Huh. That looks like the guy from Twilight.
Mateo: You saw Twilight?
Glenn: No. Jerusha said I shouldn't. So I didn't.
Mateo: I mean... I guess it kinda looks like him if you squint. It's so funny you know who that is.
Garrett: Hey, let's see if they have a page for buying a boogie board on there, huh?
Mateo: I don't think that the link is up yet.
Garrett: Click on the "About," where it tells you the story of how the company started.

Mateo: My UPM score is a five.
Garrett: A five? Even I got a 30.
Mateo: Well, you have better hand-eye coordination. I can't be wasting my time playing Star Trek video games all day.
Garrett: Uh, it's Star Wars.
Mateo: Same diff. They're just ugly people floating in space.
Garrett: Yeah, they're not floating in space. They're on planets most of the time. That's just an ignorant comment.

Mateo: So Syria, huh?
Sayid: Why does everyone here start conversations like that?
Mateo: Ha. You know, I'm actually an immigrant, too. Not a refugee, like you. Knock on wood. [knocks twice] Just a regular, undocumented immigrant. Or is it "documented"? I'm always mixing those up. I think it's like inflammable-flammable, where they mean the same thing?
Sayid: No, they're opposites.
Mateo: Anyway, I'm definitely the legal kind. Came here legally, took the citizenship test, got sworn in by the president.
Sayid: The president swore you in?
Mateo: Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah. They, um... They do it personally. At least they used to.
Sayid: Which president?
Mateo: God, it's been so long, I don't even remember. One of the white ones? I wanna say... Henderson.

Sayid: Why are you telling people that I'm "lying like a Syrian"?
Mateo: Um, I don't think I ever said-
Sayid: What is that? That is not a saying.
Marcus: Who told you that? Was this Marcus? 'Cause that guy is... [softly] Okay, fine. I just- I know you heard me talking about being undocumented.
Sayid: You mean, President Henderson didn't personally swear you in?
Mateo: No, I don't even think Henderson was still alive when I came here. I was nervous that you might turn me in, so ironically, I was the one who started lying like a Syrian.
Sayid: Again, that is not a real saying.

Jonah: Glenn, you're not going to go to prison, okay? It's fine. We- We just need to do about what, 12 grand worth of damage in- In the next hour.
Mateo: Oh. We have fertilizer in the garden center. We can make a bomb.
Jonah: I feel like going from embezzlement to domestic terrorism is the wrong direction.
Mateo: We could hire termites to eat the store.
Jonah: How do you hire termites?
Mateo: I don't know, with wood?

Mateo: Another floor supervisor tip: We direct. Don't use words like "maybe" or "I think" with these peons.
Cheyenne: Okay.
Mateo: Before you speak, think, "How would an evil queen decree this?"
Cheyenne: Ooh, yeah.
Mateo: And just a couple other things I thought of.
Cheyenne: Oh.
Mateo: No more campfire games with employees and no sparkly makeup. Oh, and don't put unicorn stickers on your clipboard. They're unprofessional.
Cheyenne: Uh, okay.
Mateo: But otherwise, you are killing it, girl.
Cheyenne: Thanks.
Mateo: Oh, you should probably change your shoes. I mean, they're fun but, it looks like you skinned a Care Bear.

Mateo: You know, I have to say, almost everything works on him. I guess that's the one benefit of having a face with zero character.
Glenn: Thank you, Mateo.

Mateo: Could I just snag one of these stickers?
Dorothy: Oh, these are just for people who voted. Are you voting?
Mateo: I would, but I just don't like any of the candidates. Trump's all like... [makes fart noise] And Hillary's all... [makes a different fart noise] Anyway, enough politics. I just need a sticker.
Dorothy: Well, I'm sure the store sells stickers.
Mateo: I'm not just trying to collect stickers. I'm a grown man. Oh, my God... is that James Brolin?
Dorothy: Who?
Mateo: Barbra Streisand's husband? Josh Brolin's dad? Diane Lane's ex-father-in-law? Am I crazy? Sir, you know who James Brolin is, right?
Syd: What's he running for?
Mateo: Oh, my God. [scoffs]