Nurse Roberts: Doug wanted me to give this patient 500,000 milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I killed a man.
J.D.: Unbelievable, Doug.

J.D.: [v.o.] They say all horrible things eventually come to an end.
Dr. Kelso: The lab results are back, and there is no SARS. The quarantine is over. So, bye-bye, everyone. [waves]
[Nurse Roberts notices frosting on Dr. Kelso's thumb]
Nurse Roberts: That looks like my neck! [licks Dr. Kelso's thumb] Oh, this does not end well for you. Thanks for the heads up, jumpsuit.

Nurse Roberts: Girl, can you believe what they sell in these white-people magazines? Look here. This is a computer chip that you put in your baby's foot so you can track it, like a baby low-jack.
Carla: White people do the craziest things.
Nurse Roberts: Like bumper stickers. I don't give a damn what you brake for.
Janitor: I know, white people! Huh. No, my- my stepmom is one quarter Inuit, so I'm part Eskimo. Anyway, small favor. I need your baby. I'm getting in the baby broker business. Nothing illicit. I'm just hooking up folks that can't have babies with folks that don't want babies.
Carla: You, leave. You, give me that baby little jack number.
Nurse Roberts: Already tore it out.

Nurse Roberts: I don't think we should stand for it. Dr. Kelso can't just decide we're not allowed to switch shifts any more. I was supposed to see my nephew tonight in Pippin.
Nurse: Who's he playing?
Nurse Roberts: Pippin. Bob Kelso is a bad man.
Carla: I don't know. We never think about how hard it is to always be the bad guy.
Nurse Roberts: I want him to die. [to Dr. Kelso] Hello, sweetness.

Turk: What the hell, Elliot? You can't just pawn this Bober guy off on me.
Elliot: Hey, it was J.D.'s patient! I was just the middleman. Woman. Person.
J.D.: Look, we can stand here and argue about who screwed who.
Elliot: Or?
J.D.: Or nothing. I'm on break. Let's do it.
Turk: Look, rock-paper-scissors right now.
J.D.: Fine. Loser gets Bober.
All: Once, twice, three, shoot!
Woman: Did you say Bober? I'm looking for my grandfather, Frank Bober.
Nurse Roberts: We moved him to the ICU, dear. He'll show you up.
Elliot: That's OK. She- She didn't hear us.
Nurse Roberts: No, but Jesus did. [singing] Just a closer walk with thee

Mr. Blair: You got me in the ICU for a cold?
J.D.: Mr. Blair, you have a sever sinus infection with orbital extension. You were admitted delirious from your 106-degree temperature, completely naked and very adamant about staying that way.
Mr. Blair: I was hot.
Nurse Roberts: I'll second that. Mmm-hmm.

Nurse Roberts: She slept with him and she hardly knew him.
Mr. Blair: Does that happen a lot around here?
Nurse Roberts: Not enough.

Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Lester, honey, I don't want you using the stove on your own.
Mr. Weisfelner: Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow an hour ago.
Nurse Roberts: I'm talking to my husband. So why don't you get your own damn pillow? [to Dr. Kelso] What?
[cut to Dr. Cox teaching the class:]
Dr. Cox: And they stuck you in here for that?
Nurse Roberts: I apologized to the old man. Anybody can have a bad day, shoot.

J.D.: [v.o.] Hospitals are filled with people who just came off 18-hour shifts. So when a patient dies, it's not uncommon to take them to the morgue yourself, then grab a little shut-eye in their bed. Unfortunately, sometimes you're beaten to the punch.
J.D.: I'm up!
Nurse Roberts: [screams]
[later, Nurse Roberts stands outside with a chipped front tooth:]
J.D.: You can hardly notice it It's actually kinda pretty!
Nurse Roberts: Jack-ass.

Nurse Roberts: Well, hello there. Can I give you some help?
Tommy: [deep voice] My mommy said you had lollipops. Gimme a red one!