J.D.: Hey, Laverne, my girlfriend's coming by, would you mind giving her the keys to my apartment?
Nurse Roberts: You know, I shacked up with a man before I was married, too. His name was Jesus.

Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Well, just run one of the other nurses down here with some bedpans, please.
Woman: Laverne, why can't you do it?
Nurse Roberts: Because I've been here for 23 years and my feet hurt. That's why.

Nurse Roberts: I need to see you in Mr. Burski's room.
J.D.: Are you flirting with me? You are, aren't you?
[later:]
Nurse Roberts: He crashed. The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism. No way anyone could've caught it. Anyhow, you have to pronounce him.
J.D.: Why didn't anybody page me?
Nurse Roberts: Could you just pronounce him so I can go home?

J.D.: Would you describe me as warm, professional, or both?
Nurse Roberts: I'd describe you as "I'm on my lunch."
J.D.: I don't know whether to be easy or hard on myself-
Nurse Roberts: Can't you see I'm watching my stories?

Dr. Cox: God, I hate Halloween.
Carla: Somebody needs to adjust their attitude if they want candy.
Dr. Cox: You mean the popcorn balls and the deformed lollipops? Honestly, where do you get this crap anyway?
Nurse Roberts: I made it. If you want name-brand candy, my fist is packed with peanuts.
Dr. Cox: Of course it is.

Carla: So, anyway, Laverne, I have to fly out late for the funeral tonight. I'm gonna need your help covering my shifts.
Nurse Roberts: Anything for you, honey.
Carla: Thanks, Mama.
J.D.: Hey, Laverne, can I borrow a nickel so I can get a soda?
Nurse Roberts: Sorry, this window's closed.

Elliot: It's no big deal. Only you guys know. And Nurse Roberts. She's not that much of a gossip! Is she?
[J.D. and Carla laugh knowingly]
[meanwhile: Nurse Roberts runs through the corridors of the hospital:]
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul!
Dr. Cox: We're talking about only six inches and about 70 pounds, plus he's twice as fast as the other guy.
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid and Nurse Paul dating.
Dr. Cox: Giant, who cares?

Elliot: I still can't believe you guys are getting married.
Carla: I know. All my girlfriends think I'm crazy. About you because you're so damn cute.
Turk: Good save. Thank you very much for coming out tonight.
J.D.: No, hey, this is the only way to celebrate, with close friends and... Nurse Roberts.
Nurse Roberts: Oh, hey, don't get all pissy now. You said, "My treat, order whatever you want." You didn't say, "Except the lobster."
J.D.: I said no shellfish.

J.D.: [v.o.] One way or another, everyone finds a way to make it all about themselves.
Nurse Roberts: I gotta fix my own copy machine because the maintenance man says he has more important things to do.
J.D.: Isn't he fixing the heat down in Pediatrics?
Nurse Roberts: Whatever.

Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah. But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.