Turk: Well, Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Carla: My hand is stuck in this rat's nest that she calls hair.
Elliot: Dye job.
Nurse Roberts: Got it! But, Chopstick, you're gonna have to buy a new watch. And Carla, you may wanna borrow some of my spray-on hair.

Carla: Happy birthday, Laverne.
Nurse Roberts: Thanks, Carla.
Turk: Did your brother make you face cake?
Nurse Roberts: Sure, he did.
Turk: Wow. Think I can have a piece of that face cake?
Elliot: I heard there was face cake.
Janitor: Face cake! I heard-
Nurse Roberts: Back off. I'm saving this for my party tonight.

Dr. Cox: I know who he is!
[flashback:]
Elliot: Just one little problem-
Mr. Thompson: Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs, okay, lady! For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle.
[present:]
Turk: That's the junkie who conned Elliot into giving him meds.
Nurse Roberts: It just got interesting, people!

Turk: Stupid watchie-talkie.
Nurse Roberts: I heard they really want to have children, but they can't 'cause he- [sees Turk]
Carla: Don't worry, baby. I'll kick her ass for you later.

Carla: Ooooh! Laverne, I didn't know you knit.
Nurse Roberts: I sure do. Mr. Roberts doesn't have one pair of store-bought socks. [to Jordan, who was mocking her] I'm gonna knit you a muzzle.

Turk: Okay, I've seen enough.
Dr. Cox: Right behind you.
[As Dr. Cox and Turk try to leave the coffee house, they crash into the swing doors, pouring their drinks down themselves.]
Elliot: Huh. Consider that a little gift from Nurse Roberts' nephew, Corporal Roberts.
[Nurse Roberts opens one of the doors she's sat behind]
Nurse Roberts: Hell, yeah!

Nurse Roberts: [over bullhorn] Bedpan race!
Turk: Put your bedpans on, Elliot.
Elliot: I thought we were carrying them.
Turk: Put 'em on!
Carla: Last one down gets to take care of J.D. Ready? Go!

Dr. Cox: And then, ba-bam! I blew Laverne's argument clean out of the water when I asked her why an 8-year old got knifed.
Jordan: Oh, my God, that is so lucky.
Dr. Cox: I know. I was thrilled. But then, Laverne ruined everything.
[flashback:]
Nurse Roberts: There's a reason for this. God's gonna show us eventually.

Dr. Cox: Okay, imagine that this idiot were her father. What the hell would you say to him?
Radiologist: Oh, my God, there's a tumor the size of a golfball, right where the knife went in. If we hadn't found this, she'd be a goner.
Nurse Roberts: I think that's what I'd say.