J.D. Quote #1054
Mrs. Wilk: I choose Dr. Dorian.
J.D.: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't even believe it! I don't believe it-lieve it-lieve it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! I'm shaking! Look at this! It's crazy-talk!
Mrs. Wilk: He played hearts with me all night.
Dr. Cox: [groans]
Mrs. Wilk: You're a very strange man, aren't you?
J.D.: I was a preemie.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Miss Brooks, your blood work looks fine. But I'd like to take one more sample, just for me.
[J.D. bites into the patients neck with his fangs and spits the blood out into a tube]
J.D.: You taste a little anemic. Get that down to the lab, buddy.
Keith: Right away, Dr. Acula.
J.D.: It's what they call me. How you doing?
J.D.: The end.
Turk: So Dr. Acula is a doctor and a vampire?
J.D.: He's both. And at the very end, I'm gonna put "Dr. Acula" across the screen, take that period, get it out of there, squish it together, it'll say "Dracula."
Turk: That is an awesome ending!
J.D.: Um, thank you for telling me what I already know, Turk.
Quote from J.D.
Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe.
J.D.: She said, "I've led a great life," and every doctor in the world knows that's code for "I'm ready to die."
Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, there's no way to answer and not get in trouble. Change the subject.
J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house.
J.D.: [v.o.] My God! He's thinking about it. Change the subject back!
J.D.: You're 78, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old?
Quote from Janitor
Carla: This picture is happening.
Janitor: No, it's not.
Carla: Oh, what do you know, mop jock?
Janitor: I've predicted a couple things over the years: The kitchen fire of '97, the kitchen fire of '98, the arson conviction of Luis the fry cook, and of course the eventual termination of the hospital's "Convicts-to-Cooks" program. The bottom line, not gonna happen.
Quote from My Long Goodbye
Dr. Cox: What the hell am I gonna do?
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately for Dr. Cox, that's when Elliot walked by and showcased her oddest talent.
Elliot: Somebody just had a baby.
Dr. Cox: How do you know?
Elliot: My uterus is glowing.
J.D.: My mom had an uterus. I lived in it.
Quote from My Screw Up
Dr. Cox: Shower Shortz?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
Quote from My Interpretation
J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes. Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out the window you would have seen my penis.
Janitor: What?! Why?!
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.