Rochelle: You know what, you guys? You don't have to get me anything. You give me such great gifts every year.
Chris: No, we don't. We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni.
Tonya: My macaroni oven mitts were not stupid.
Drew: Yeah, you're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaroni hot comb.
Tonya: Shut up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or your macaroni macaroni bowl.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Hey, you shut up, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Get out of my voice-over booth, woman. Save that for the show Everybody Hates Tonya.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Whatever.

Tonya: I want to cut the hair off my doll's head, but I don't want to do it till he gets here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Without me in the house to blame, Tonya actually had to act right.
[cut to Tonya is holding a bowling ball in front of a pile of all the family's china:]
Tonya: Is Chris here yet?
Drew: Nope.
Tonya: Dang!
[cut to Tonya with her goldfish bowl on top of the stove:]
Tonya: Is Chris home yet?
Drew: No.
Tonya: Dang!
[cut to Tonya wearing safety goggles as she holds a power tool against the coffee table:]
Tonya: Is Chris here yet?
Drew: No.
Tonya: Dang!
[present:]
Tonya: I'll sure be glad when Chris gets back.

Tonya: Is that why she ate up all our candy?
Julius: I should've never given you money for candy.
Drew: Dad, um, it's not all her fault. I asked her to do it. But only because I knew you'd give it to her.
Julius: How'd you know that?
Drew: Because you give her everything she wants.
Tonya: That's not true. One time I asked if I could set Chris on fire, and he didn't let me do that.
Rochelle: Well, thank goodness for that.

Tonya: Can you teach me to moonwalk? I can't get it.
Drew: Why do you like Billy Ocean so much, anyway?
Tonya: Because, he's the greatest entertainer in history.
Drew: He's not better than Michael Jackson.
Tonya: Shoot, he's way better than Michael Jackson. I bet you in the future, 20 years from now, nobody's going to remember who Michael Jackson is.
Drew: That's why I'm not going to teach you how to do the Michael Jackson moonwalk.
Tonya: It's the Billy Ocean moonwalk. Michael Jackson stole it.
Drew: Fine. Have it your way.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father was done being mad at Tonya, but she had just started getting mad at him.
Julius: You want some ice-cream?
Tonya: No.
Rochelle: You want some ice-cream, baby?
Tonya: Yes, mom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father knew he had to do something or this will go on forever.
[fantasy: an elderly Julius is hooked up to a drip with a heartbeat monitor at his side:]
Julius: Can you plug-in my heart?
Middle-aged Tonya: No. And if you ask me again, I'm gonna turn off your stories.
Julius: You smell ice-cream?

Julius: Forget this. I'm getting a gun.
Rochelle: Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?
[fantasy montage:]
Julius: Who ate the big piece of chicken? [pistol cocking] You? Baby girl?
Rochelle: [pistols cocking] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?
Tonya: Who ate all the cereal? [shotgun cocking] I will blow your freakin' head off!

Julius: Where you been?
Tonya: Upstairs in Chris and Drew's room looking for clues.
Julius: Great idea. What'd you find?
Tonya: Well, I found firecrackers, smoke balls, Chris's old test, looks like he got an "F" - maybe we should do something about that - Mommy's Turtles, feels like they ate half of the box, and Playpen magazine. You know they have naked women in here, right?

Tonya: Just thought I should tell you about my day.
Chris: What about it?
Tonya: Oh, I just sat around the house by myself, answering phones, taking messages.
Chris: Good for you.
Tonya: Yeah, I talked to Grandma, Uncle Michael, the principal from your school, Daddy...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Never underestimate the power of the Devil.
Chris: Wait a minute, did you say the principal from my school?
Tonya: Yeah, you know, they always call when they suspend somebody from school for having cigarettes.
Chris: Did they think you were Ma?
Tonya: I don't know. I just answered the phone and they started talking. You out three days... I guess that's a total of $15.
Chris: What is?
Tonya: Five dollars a day. You know it's going to cost to keep my mouth shut.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The price of being cool was steep, but it beat the price of being beat.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The next day, I pulled a Robert Blake and tried to forget all about the shooting.
Drew: Make sure it's tight, Tonya.
Chris: Isn't this how Houdini died?
Tonya: No, Houdini died from secondary peritonitis due to a ruptured spleen from being punched in the stomach.

Tonya: Daddy, do you have a girlfriend?
Julius: What?!
Rochelle: Well?
Julius: No! Why would you ask me a question like that, baby?
Tonya: 'Cause men ain't no good.
Julius: Where did you hear that?
Tonya: At the beauty shop.