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‘Everybody Hates Drew’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Drew

119. Everybody Hates Drew

Aired April 20, 2006

Fed up with Drew being better at everything, Chris takes karate lessons and learns a dangerous move. Meanwhile, Rochelle takes Tonya to the beauty salon, where she enjoys listening to Vanessa (Jackée Harry) gossip.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Baby, what happened?
Tonya: Mama burned me with the hot comb again.
Julius: Oh, let Daddy see. Ooh! Rochelle, that looks bad.
Rochelle: Ah, she'll live. I don't think it'll make a scar.
Julius: Yeah, but that's 18 cents worth of butter she's holding on her forehead.

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Quote from Rochelle

Julius: She's ten years old. Why I got to spend money getting her hair done?
Rochelle: She's tender-headed, she moves around too much, and she keeps getting burned. And I'm sick of this. So, either you pay to get it done, or you do it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If my father didn't want to do something, my mother got to decide how it would get done.
[flashback to the kitchen:]
Julius: Why you cooking biscuits and ribs for breakfast?
Rochelle: You gonna do it?
Julius: Go ahead.
[flashback to the bathroom:]
Julius: Why are you cleaning the tub with a broom?
Rochelle: Are you gonna do it?
Julius: Go ahead.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though it was an accident, after breaking Drew's hand, I fell horrible.
Rochelle: I'm gone for ten minutes, and y'all are breaking bones. I knew that karate class wasn't a good idea.
Julius: Rochelle, it was an accident, just boys being boys.
Rochelle: Do you even know what they're teaching Chris down there? Where were you when this happened?
Julius: Asleep.
Rochelle: Mm.
Julius: What's that supposed to mean?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] "Mm" means she's gonna blame him for the rest of his life.
[flash-forward to 2028:]
Rochelle: Asleep again, huh? That's how Chris broke Drew's hand.
Julius: Rochelle, that was 45 years ago.
Rochelle: Mmm-hmm.
[present:]
Julius: Don't worry about it. I'll deal with it. I'll go down there tomorrow.
Rochelle: Mmm-hmm.

Quote from Drew

Chris: Hey, you need any help with anything? I could tie your shoe.
Drew: Nah, I got it. I can tie it with one hand.
Chris: Okay, um I could write out your homework.
Drew: No, I'm fine. I never wrote with my left hand before, but it turns out, I'm really good at it.
Drew: Want to see something else I could do? [does push-ups] I always thought I needed two hands to do this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had to face facts. Drew could do more with one arm than I could do with five.
Drew: Want to sit on my back?

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Daddy, do you have a girlfriend?
Julius: What?!
Rochelle: Well?
Julius: No! Why would you ask me a question like that, baby?
Tonya: 'Cause men ain't no good.
Julius: Where did you hear that?
Tonya: At the beauty shop.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Now he's staying with Lisa.
Pam: Light-skinned Lisa?
Vanessa: Bow-legged Lisa.
Rochelle: Wait a minute. I thought Lisa was with Darius.
Vanessa: She was, until Darius caught her with his brother.
Rochelle: The one with no job?
Vanessa: Yeah, yeah, him, yeah, and he married, too. A wife, a girlfriend, and no job. You know these men, they just ain't no good.
Rochelle: They ain't no good.
Pam: Get out of here.
Vanessa: Oh, I'd throw the hot grits.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya never listened to my mother until she heard something she wasn't supposed to.

Quote from Vanessa

Tonya: So is Richard still cheating?
Vanessa: Is the Pope still Catholic?
Pam: Vanessa!
Vanessa: Oh, I'm sorry, it's a reflex.

Quote from Tonya

Vanessa: Tonya, I don't think that we should be talking about Richard.
Tonya: Why not?
Vanessa: Because that's grown folks' business.
Tonya: Oh, is that why my mom and dad got in an argument?
Pam: Uh... Uh... An argument?
Vanessa: About what?
Tonya: Well, I asked my daddy if he had a girlfriend, and he said, "Why?" And then my mama said, "Well, do you?" And then he asked me why I asked him that, and then...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Although my mother told the girls not to gossip to Tonya, she didn't say anything about Tonya gossiping to them.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I was the oldest, I never felt like Drew's big brother. People expect a big brother to be better at everything. Dominique Wilkins was the Human Highlight Show. And Gerald Wilkins watched a lot of film. Bill Clinton was the President of the United States. But Roger Clinton needed a presidential pardon. But with me and Drew, it seemed like no matter what we did, he always came out on top.
Kid #1: I'll take Drew.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He was better at sports. He was better with girls.
Pair of Girls #1: Hi, Drew.
Pair of Girls #2: Hi, Drew.
Old Woman: Hi, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's kind of cute. He looked older.
Drew: Two for Scarface.
Ticket Seller: You can go. But your little brother's gonna have to see something else.
Chris: But I'm older than him.
Ticket Seller: You want to see a movie, or don't you?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I actually went to see Mr. Mom that day. It was pretty good. But worst of all, he was a better big brother than me.
[As a bunch of boys play keep away with Tonya's doll:]
Tonya: I'm gonna get my big brother on you. Chris! Go get Drew!

Quote from Julius

Julius: What are you gonna do with karate, anyway?
Chris: Just in case someone messes with Drew or Tonya, I'm gonna be able to do something.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father knew I couldn't fight, but he never said anything about it.
Julius: How much is it gonna cost?
Chris: It's free.
Julius: Oh. All right, go ahead.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For free, my father would let me learn almost anything.
[fantasy: Chris is standing next to a masked man in front of a chalkboard outside a liquor store:]
Julius: What are you doing?
Chris: Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.
Julius: How much does it cost?
Chris: It's free.
Julius: Go ahead.
[Chris takes the gun from the teacher, pulls down his face cap and walks into the liquor store:]
Chris: Get on the floor, now!

Quote from Chris

Mr. Jackson: I am Mr. Jackson, your sensei. Shotokan Karate is a very ancient art of combat. "Karate" literally means "empty hands." Now what we're gonna do here today is learning how to whupp somebody's ass with your empty hands. Matei! Matei!
Chris: So, are we going to be learning how to break boards?
Mr. Jackson: You got something against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Asked Yolanda for her phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand there and watch her get into the boy's car and just drive off?
Chris: Uh... no.
Mr. Jackson: That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Girl, don't tell me, that's your daughter?
Rochelle: Mm, sure is. Isn't she beautiful?
Pam: Yeah, she's big, huh?
Vanessa: Ooh, she sure is. Pretty soon she'll be old enough to date Richard.
Rochelle: Oh, do not tell me his old ass is still chasing after young girls.
Pam: Girl, I thought you knew.
Vanessa: They're the only ones dumb enough not to run when they see him coming. He old, he broke. He need a fool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There's one thing that you get at the beauty shop that you don't have to pay for: good gossip.

Quote from Rochelle

Vanessa: And I heard Peggy. She said that she caught them in her house.
Rochelle: Wait! In her- In her house?
Pam: Yes.
Rochelle: Well, did she stab him?
Pam: Girl.
Rochelle: 'Cause you know I would have stabbed him.
Pam: Oh, I know you would have stabbed him.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even with a broken hand, Drew still managed to come out on top. If I had known you could get this much attention with a cast, I would have let him break my hand.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: I can't believe she repeated all that to Julius.
Rochelle: I didn't even know she was listening. She barely listens to a word I say.
Pam: Rochelle, I am so sorry.
Vanessa: Me, too. From now on, we watch what we say in front of her.
Rochelle: [sighs] Let me go pay half down on our light bill before they close. She'll be okay, though, right?
Pam: Oh, go ahead, she'll be fine.
Vanessa: We'll watch Lil' Miss Nosy for you. [all laugh]

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