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‘Everybody Hates the Lottery’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Lottery

115. Everybody Hates the Lottery

Aired February 16, 2006

Chris borrows money from Greg so he can place a wager on a game of Asteroids. Meanwhile, Julius and Rochelle agree to cut back on his lottery tickets and her chocolate turtles.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: One-zero, sucka! ha!
Jorge: Good game, man. You should've bet me, though.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I had bet him, I couldn't help but think that this would've happened.
[fantasy: Julius, Rochelle and the family sit down to dinner:]
Julius: Ah, I'm hungry.
Rochelle: Looks, good, huh?
Julius: Who are you?
Jorge: I'm Jorge. I won your family from Chris playing Asteroids.
Rochelle: I told Chris to stay out of that store.
Jorge: Can you cook mofongo?
Tonya: What?
Julius: What'd you call her?
Rochelle: Come tu comida. [the family are confused] I was raised around Puerto Ricans.

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Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Is that why she ate up all our candy?
Julius: I should've never given you money for candy.
Drew: Dad, um, it's not all her fault. I asked her to do it. But only because I knew you'd give it to her.
Julius: How'd you know that?
Drew: Because you give her everything she wants.
Tonya: That's not true. One time I asked if I could set Chris on fire, and he didn't let me do that.
Rochelle: Well, thank goodness for that.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Wait, your dad is giving you $5 just for coming to school?
Greg: I bet him I wouldn't miss a day of school this year. So far so good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother told me I'd better not miss a day of school or else she'd take $5 off my ass.
Greg: This is so cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only award I could've gotten at Corleone would've been...
[fantasy, Ms. Morello is wearing a dress as she stands at a podium in her class:]
Ms. Morello: For "Taking the Best Ass Whooping"... Chris.
[Chris cheers as he stands up with a neck brace, an arm in a sling, and a crutch. As Chris hobbles up to the front of the class, even Caruso high-fives him. When Chris takes his trophy in his good arm, his crutch slips and he falls to the ground.]

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wouldn't usually admit he was wrong about things, at least not in front of the kids
Julius: I have something to say.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought he was about to tell us he was leaving us for a White family across town.

Quote from Tonya

Chris: I have a confession, too. I've been hanging out at that corner store.
Rochelle: Chris.
Chris: But I was only playing Asteroids.
Rochelle: Oh. Well, that ain't so bad.
Chris: And I lost five dollars.
Julius: What?! Five dollars?
Tonya: Ooh, I'm telling!
Chris: Now, who are you gonna tell? We're all sitting right here.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Oh, no, no, no. We're gonna have to cut back.
Rochelle: [mouth full] Cut back on what? I mean, we're barely getting by as it is.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look only meant one thing.
Rochelle: Oh, no. Uh-uh. Uh-uh, not my Turtles. You are not taking away my Turtles.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother love chocolate turtles more than anything else in the world. Whenever she ate one, it was like all of life's problems just went away.
[flashback to Rochelle walking in on Julius and the kids all screaming at each other. After she eats a chocolate turtle, she is alone in the now tidy and quiet living room]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's a good thing she chose those Turtles instead of guns.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At school, even Greg was getting a reputation.
Ms. Morello: And for "Best Attendance"... Gregory Wuliger!
Greg: Yes!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Getting an award for attendance is kind of like getting an award for breathing.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Oh, whoa! Wh-Wh-What's wrong with you?
Rochelle: Turtles! I ain't got my turtles! I'm over here drinking syrup while you're still buying lottery tickets. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?!
Julius: Baby, I did it for you.
Rochelle: Julius, we both had an agreement. And you have to honor that agreement. Do you know what kind of message we are sending to our children?!
Julius: Message?
Rochelle: You're telling our kids, "Oh, go ahead, little children, ignore your mother, 'cause she's a lunatic"!
Julius: I didn't say that!
Rochelle: Yes, you did!
Julius: What I meant was, it's just... It's... It's just a couple of dollars.
Rochelle: Are we cutting back? Or am I cutting back. 'Cause I can't do it by myself. [sobs]
Julius: Ah, baby, no, baby.
Rochelle: I feel alone.
Julius: No, no, we- We're cutting back, we're cutting back, okay? I'm sorry. We can do this! We can do this.
Rochelle: I get the shakes at night, Julius, I get the shakes!

Quote from Greg

Greg: You lost? How can you lose?
Chris: Hey, I'll pay you back. I'll carry some groceries or return some soda bottles or something.
Greg: That crap'll take forever!
Chris: Well, why'd you tell me to do it?
Greg: Because I didn't want to give you my money?
Chris: I'm as surprised as you are.
Greg: No. I'd say you're about five bucks less surprised than I am.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's starting to sound like my father.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Those chocolate turtles are costing us $12 a box.
Rochelle: Why you gotta take away my turtles. You know I need my turtles. Why don't you cut off your lottery playing?
Julius: [scoffs] I ain't cutting off my number. Oh! If you don't play, how can you expect to win? Look, it says so right here.
Rochelle: Oh, no, no, no. Not that damned dream book.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad was the most level-headed person I knew, except when it came to playing the lottery, and he always consulted his Lucky Star Dream Book.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A dream book takes any possible dream you can have and transforms it into a lucky number.
[flashback to Julius in the kitchen with Rochelle:]
Rochelle: You dreamt about a monkey on the train in the middle of a blizzard.
Julius: Here it is, eight-one-four!
[flashback to Julius with Drew outside the house:]
Drew: I dreamt Dr. J was roller-skating with two White women in Sweden.
Julius: Here it is-- six-two-one. White ladies?

Quote from Tonya

Julius: [talking in his sleep] Six...
Tonya: Daddy.
Julius: [wakes up] Huh? What?
Tonya: Can I have a dollar?
Julius: What do you need a dollar for?
Tonya: I want to get Drew some, um... some candy.
Julius: Oh, that's nice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was crazy about Tonya. She was the only one in the house who would dare take sleep and money from him at the same time.
Tonya: Thanks, Daddy.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In Bed-Stuy, we never had a real video arcade to go to. All we had was Doc's. At Doc's, you can get almost anything. You could cash a check.
Doc: That'll be $5.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You could get an alibi.
Doc: Nah, it wasn't him. He was here. That'll be $5.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You could even get your teeth pulled.
Doc: Open. [the woman groans]

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Hey! I need a favor. I need to borrow your five dollars.
Greg: What? What do you need it for?
Chris: I beat this kid playing Asteroids, and now he wants to play for money.
Greg: Can't you just save up your lunch money? Or take your neighbor's garbage out? Or help small ladies carry groceries to their car. Or turn in some Coke bottles or something.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Note to self: when begging, be persistent.
Chris: Hey, I don't have time for this. You got to do this, or my reputation's gonna be ruined.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if that's how O.J. got A.C. to drive that Bronco.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Mama, Drew got some candy, and this is all he gave me. Three pieces. Ma!
Rochelle: Candy? Did you say candy?
Tonya: Yeah?
Rochelle: Drew, get in here! [Drew walks in with his bag of candy] You got candy? [takes the bag]
Drew: Ma!
Rochelle: Don't "Ma" me. Don't "Ma" me right now, boy. Do you have anything in here that... that tastes like turtles?
Drew: No.
Rochelle: Something that has chocolate, peanuts, caramel, something like that?
Drew: I don't know.
Rochelle: Well, where in the world did you get money for candy?
Tonya: Daddy.

Quote from Jerome

[Chris places his $5 bill on the Asteroids machine]
Jerome: Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What he's actually talking about is which one of us he's gonna rob after we get through with the game.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Mama, can we have our candy back?
Rochelle: No! I ate it. I don't need y'all getting any more cavities than what y'all got. No cavities in this house. [drinks her sugar-filled drink]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.
Rochelle: Needs some more sugar.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Yeah, I'm just tired. I had this weird dream last night and couldn't fall back to sleep.
Julius: Dreamin', huh?
Chris: Yeah, it was bizarre. I was walking down the street, waving hello to everybody, but nobody was waving back. It was as if they couldn't see me.
Julius: [removes his dream book from the flour jar] So you were invisible?
Chris: Yeah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mama had turtles, Daddy had the lottery.
Julius: Oh, that's right...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's a wonder nobody sold the TV.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my father never won the lottery, it always made him feel like there was one thing in the world he had a shot at winning. And to him, that dollar was worth it.
Announcer: [on TV] And tonight's winning numbers are... Six, three, seven.
Julius: I won! I won! I won!
Chris: What happened?
Julius: My number hit! Chris, show your mama the ticket. Show your mama the ticket, man! [Chris nervously drinks his soda] Show your mama the ticket. [charges at Chris]
Chris: Mama!

Quote from Julius

Julius: I need you to go to the corner store after school and buy a lottery ticket for me. Six-three-seven.
Chris: Yeah, but you said you weren't-
Julius: I know what I said!
Chris: Huh?
Julius: I've just got a feeling about this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: Just shut up and do what I tell you.
Julius: Now, keep this between me and you, all right? Six-three-seven, all right? And keep the ticket on you. Go! Go, go, go!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He hadn't been that excited about a dream since Martin Luther King's.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people have reputations for different things. Diedre Garfield was 23 and had a reputation for being the youngest grandmother in Brooklyn.
Mr. Jackson: [directing traffic] All right, I got everything under control!
Adult Chris: Mr. Jackson had a reputation for being crazy as hell. And a lot of people say he invented homelessness.
Mr. Jackson: Move the car! You want to fight?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had a reputation, too not only for being a nerd or getting beat up every day, I was also known for being the best Asteroids player in Bed-Stuy. I beat people from all over: Chinatown, Rikers, the Village. Even though I was a nerd, it felt really good that there was one thing that nobody could beat me at.
Doc: Chris, somebody beat your score last night.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, even Mike Tyson got knocked out. Ain't this about...

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