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‘Everybody Hates the Lottery’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Lottery

115. Everybody Hates the Lottery

Aired February 16, 2006

Chris borrows money from Greg so he can place a wager on a game of Asteroids. Meanwhile, Julius and Rochelle agree to cut back on his lottery tickets and her chocolate turtles.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: One-zero, sucka! ha!
Jorge: Good game, man. You should've bet me, though.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I had bet him, I couldn't help but think that this would've happened.
[fantasy: Julius, Rochelle and the family sit down to dinner:]
Julius: Ah, I'm hungry.
Rochelle: Looks, good, huh?
Julius: Who are you?
Jorge: I'm Jorge. I won your family from Chris playing Asteroids.
Rochelle: I told Chris to stay out of that store.
Jorge: Can you cook mofongo?
Tonya: What?
Julius: What'd you call her?
Rochelle: Come tu comida. [the family are confused] I was raised around Puerto Ricans.

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Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Is that why she ate up all our candy?
Julius: I should've never given you money for candy.
Drew: Dad, um, it's not all her fault. I asked her to do it. But only because I knew you'd give it to her.
Julius: How'd you know that?
Drew: Because you give her everything she wants.
Tonya: That's not true. One time I asked if I could set Chris on fire, and he didn't let me do that.
Rochelle: Well, thank goodness for that.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Wait, your dad is giving you $5 just for coming to school?
Greg: I bet him I wouldn't miss a day of school this year. So far so good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother told me I'd better not miss a day of school or else she'd take $5 off my ass.
Greg: This is so cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only award I could've gotten at Corleone would've been...
[fantasy, Ms. Morello is wearing a dress as she stands at a podium in her class:]
Ms. Morello: For "Taking the Best Ass Whooping"... Chris.
[Chris cheers as he stands up with a neck brace, an arm in a sling, and a crutch. As Chris hobbles up to the front of the class, even Caruso high-fives him. When Chris takes his trophy in his good arm, his crutch slips and he falls to the ground.]

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wouldn't usually admit he was wrong about things, at least not in front of the kids
Julius: I have something to say.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought he was about to tell us he was leaving us for a White family across town.

Quote from Tonya

Chris: I have a confession, too. I've been hanging out at that corner store.
Rochelle: Chris.
Chris: But I was only playing Asteroids.
Rochelle: Oh. Well, that ain't so bad.
Chris: And I lost five dollars.
Julius: What?! Five dollars?
Tonya: Ooh, I'm telling!
Chris: Now, who are you gonna tell? We're all sitting right here.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Oh, no, no, no. We're gonna have to cut back.
Rochelle: [mouth full] Cut back on what? I mean, we're barely getting by as it is.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look only meant one thing.
Rochelle: Oh, no. Uh-uh. Uh-uh, not my Turtles. You are not taking away my Turtles.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother love chocolate turtles more than anything else in the world. Whenever she ate one, it was like all of life's problems just went away.
[flashback to Rochelle walking in on Julius and the kids all screaming at each other. After she eats a chocolate turtle, she is alone in the now tidy and quiet living room]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's a good thing she chose those Turtles instead of guns.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At school, even Greg was getting a reputation.
Ms. Morello: And for "Best Attendance"... Gregory Wuliger!
Greg: Yes!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Getting an award for attendance is kind of like getting an award for breathing.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Oh, whoa! Wh-Wh-What's wrong with you?
Rochelle: Turtles! I ain't got my turtles! I'm over here drinking syrup while you're still buying lottery tickets. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?!
Julius: Baby, I did it for you.
Rochelle: Julius, we both had an agreement. And you have to honor that agreement. Do you know what kind of message we are sending to our children?!
Julius: Message?
Rochelle: You're telling our kids, "Oh, go ahead, little children, ignore your mother, 'cause she's a lunatic"!
Julius: I didn't say that!
Rochelle: Yes, you did!
Julius: What I meant was, it's just... It's... It's just a couple of dollars.
Rochelle: Are we cutting back? Or am I cutting back. 'Cause I can't do it by myself. [sobs]
Julius: Ah, baby, no, baby.
Rochelle: I feel alone.
Julius: No, no, we- We're cutting back, we're cutting back, okay? I'm sorry. We can do this! We can do this.
Rochelle: I get the shakes at night, Julius, I get the shakes!

Quote from Greg

Greg: You lost? How can you lose?
Chris: Hey, I'll pay you back. I'll carry some groceries or return some soda bottles or something.
Greg: That crap'll take forever!
Chris: Well, why'd you tell me to do it?
Greg: Because I didn't want to give you my money?
Chris: I'm as surprised as you are.
Greg: No. I'd say you're about five bucks less surprised than I am.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's starting to sound like my father.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Those chocolate turtles are costing us $12 a box.
Rochelle: Why you gotta take away my turtles. You know I need my turtles. Why don't you cut off your lottery playing?
Julius: [scoffs] I ain't cutting off my number. Oh! If you don't play, how can you expect to win? Look, it says so right here.
Rochelle: Oh, no, no, no. Not that damned dream book.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad was the most level-headed person I knew, except when it came to playing the lottery, and he always consulted his Lucky Star Dream Book.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A dream book takes any possible dream you can have and transforms it into a lucky number.
[flashback to Julius in the kitchen with Rochelle:]
Rochelle: You dreamt about a monkey on the train in the middle of a blizzard.
Julius: Here it is, eight-one-four!
[flashback to Julius with Drew outside the house:]
Drew: I dreamt Dr. J was roller-skating with two White women in Sweden.
Julius: Here it is-- six-two-one. White ladies?

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