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‘Everybody Hates Gretzky’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Gretzky

315. Everybody Hates Gretzky

Aired March 30, 2008

Chris joins Drew when he cuts school to try get Wayne Gretzky's autograph.

Quote from Drew

Old Man Willie: Hey, break it up! Break it up! What's wrong with you two guys?
Chris: He got us lost.
Drew: Nobody asked your stupid butt to come anyway!
Old Man Willie: Where are you heading to?
Drew: The Long Island Wilmont Hotel. I wanna meet Wayne Gretzky and get his autograph.
Old Man Willie: You mean "The Great One"? Number 99?
Drew: Yeah, you're a hockey fan?
Old Man Willie: Oh, I love it. We must be the only three Black hockey fans in New York.
Chris: Uh, I'm not a hockey fan.
Old Man Willie: Well, I guess it's just us then. And the few guys playing in the NHL.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?
Chris: Wait, there are Black hockey players?
Old Man Willie: Oh, yeah. Willie O'Ree was the first. Played with the Boston Bruins. And now they've got Grant Fuhr. He plays with Gretzky. He's a goalie.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Which technically makes him a target.

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Quote from Drew

Drew: Do you know how to get to Long Island from here?
Old Man Willie: No, but I'll ask this gentleman here. Excuse me, sir? Would you happen to know the directions to Long Island?
Kevin Weekes: Yeah. You're gonna take that bus over there to the Seven Line.
Drew: Seven Line.
Kevin Weekes: And then you're gonna take that to Flushing...
Chris: Flushing, stupid!
Kevin Weekes: ...and you're gonna take the Long Island Railroad to Westbury.
Both: Westbury.
Drew: Thank you, sir.
Kevin Weekes: You're welcome.
Chris: By the way, I'm Drew and this is my brother, Chris.
Old Man Willie: Hi, I'm Willie O'Ree. Pleasure.
Drew: [gasps] Nice to meet you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When Willie scored three goals they didn't call it the hat trick. They call it the Black trick.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: Where you been?
Tonya: Upstairs in Chris and Drew's room looking for clues.
Julius: Great idea. What'd you find?
Tonya: Well, I found firecrackers, smoke balls, Chris's old test, looks like he got an "F" - maybe we should do something about that - Mommy's Turtles, feels like they ate half of the box, and Playpen magazine. You know they have naked women in here, right?

Quote from Risky

Risky: Chris and Drew are missing? No, I haven't seen them, but I think I can help you. For just 17 cents a day, you can adopt one of these African children. And the best part is they don't live with you.
Tonya: Ooh, can we take Ubingi? He's so cute.
Julius: Not for 17 cents a day.

Quote from Monk

Monk: Missing, huh? It sounds to me like they're caught behind enemy lines. Don't worry. This is nothing a recon mission can't fix.
[Rochelle gasps as Monk cocks a gun and then pulls out a tray of armaments.]
Monk: Right. Take that. Here you go. All right, let's go. Come on. Let's go.
[Monk hands Tonya a machine gun and picks up a rocket launcher]
Julius: Hey, wait, wait! Hey, hey, boys! I think I see 'em after all. There we go. Let's leave the nice man alone. Thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We could use him in Iraq.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: Chris and Drew are missing? Let me see what I can do. [picks up a cardboard box] One Adam-12, One Adam-12, be on the lookout for Chris and Drew. Be on the lookout for Chris and Drew. Shouldn't be much longer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, until they come and take you away.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Are you really going to call the police?
Rochelle: Yes.
Julius: The New York City Police?
Rochelle: Yes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father knew that if you called the cops from Bed-Stuy, this is what happens.
[fantasy:]
Desk Sergeant: [answers phone] Precinct.
Rochelle: Hello. I- I would like to report two missing children.
Desk Sergeant: Okay. Are they Black or White?
Rochelle: Black.
Desk Sergeant: You have the wrong number.

Quote from Drew

Black Bodyguard: Gritzky?
Julius: Yeah. My dad bought it for me. Hockey's not too popular where we're from.
Black Bodyguard: [sighs] Where is that?
Chris: Here in New York. Bed-Stuy.
Black Bodyguard: Hey, I'm from Bed-Stuy. Let me guess. Did your dad get that jersey from Risky?
Drew: You know Risky?
Black Bodyguard: Yeah, he sold me a Darryl Raspberry jersey.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had Dr. K.
Black Bodyguard: [chuckles] I haven't see him in years.
Chris: So, you think my brother can get an autograph from Mr. Gretzky?
Black Bodyguard: Hey, sorry, kids. He's not even here. He has some business to take care of in the city.
Chris: Well, when do you think he'll be back?
Black Bodyguard: I don't know. A couple hours, I guess.
Chris: A couple hours? That's not too bad. Thanks.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By 5:00, my parents had run out of places to look for us, but there was only one thing left to do.
Rochelle: [on the phone] Yes, hello! I'd like to report two missing boys.
Desk Sergeant: Can you describe them, please?
Rochelle: They're White. [knocking on door]
Desk Sergeant: Just a minute, ma'am.
Rochelle: Okay, hold-hold on. [opens door]
Police Officer: Ma'am, you reported two missing White boys?
Rochelle: Damn!

Quote from Drew

Chris: This is going to be bad.
Drew: Oh, yeah.
Chris: The worst part is, you didn't even get a chance to meet Gretzky.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or Gritzky for that matter.
Drew: It's okay. It was still one of the best days of my life.
Chris: Why, 'cause you got the jersey?
Drew: No. Thanks for taking care of me, Chris. I'm glad you were there.
Chris: Me, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The best part of hanging out with Drew that day was for the first time I didn't see him as my little brother I was responsible for. I saw him as something more: a friend.
Chris: Ready?
Drew: Ready.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We were trying to get an autograph, but were getting more than we signed up for.
Drew: Chris, I'm sorry, man. I-I don't know what I was thinking. Like Wayne Gretzky would be hanging out in some hotel lobby. Let's go home, man.
Chris: [scoffs] Wait, wait, wait. We can't just give up, especially when Mom is beating the living daylights out of me. I don't want to feel like a fool 'cause it was all for nothing. We just got to use our heads. What do you know about Gretzky?
Drew: Well, I know he's a season all-time-assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."
Chris: What's in it?
Drew: Hmm, Canadian bacon, maple syrup, oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.
Chris: Sounds awful.
Drew: I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.
Chris: [clicks tongue] Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.
Drew: Hey, you know, he works in a hotel here on Long Island.
Chris: Who, Gretzky?
Drew: No, stupid. Jean Lafleur.

Quote from Julius

Julius: What are you doing here? Why aren't you in school?
Tonya: 'Cause no one's there. They're all in Philadelphia.
Rochelle: You remember the field trip to Philadelphia that cost a hundred dollars and you didn't want to pay for it.
Tonya: Yeah. Instead you gave me Philadelphia cream cheese.
Julius: Right. Well, what are you gonna do all day? I mean, I gotta get some sleep.
Rochelle: Not today. I've got to go to work, so you've got to entertain her.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad had saved a hundred bucks, but he was gonna pay for that trip one way or another.

Quote from Drew

Chris: Well, what about you? Aren't they gonna miss you?
Drew: Probably not.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Wrong!
[elsewhere:]
Teacher: Donna.
Girl: Here.
Teacher: Drew? Drew? [everyone looks around in a panic] Oh, my God. Drew is missing! Drew is missing! [sobs]
[As the teacher wails, students cry and scream, running around in panic. One boy furiously pounds his desk. The teacher runs out into the hall and pulls the "Drew Alarm"]

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father tried to shut his eyes while Tonya shut her ears. [phone ringing]
Julius: Tonya. Can't you hear that phone?
Tonya: It isn't for me. Everyone I know is in Philadelphia.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya: 1. Sleep: 0.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, what are they doing over there?
Clerk: Uh, they're waiting for Wayne Gretzky.
Chris: Who?
Clerk: He's a hockey player.
Chris: Anyway, I got a pizza delivery for Mr. Smith in Room 412.
Clerk: Just go.
Drew: Man, that was brilliant.
Chris: You can get anywhere with a pizza box.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how Bush got in the White House.
Drew: So, now where do we go? I mean, there's 32 floors in this hotel.
Chris: Well, I figure Gretzky's in one of the nicer rooms, which is probably on the top floor.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just call me Sherlock Homeboy.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I was the oldest kid in the house, whenever something went wrong with Drew and Tonya, I got blamed.
Rochelle: What in the world is going on in here!
Chris: Drew and Tonya just ran through and knocked all this stuff down.
Rochelle: Well, you know better than to let your brother and sister run through the house. Now, pick it up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whether it was something I couldn't do anything about...
Rochelle: How could you let your sister get the flu?
Chris: How am I supposed to stop the flu?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...or whether it was something I didn't know anything about...
Rochelle: Why did you let Drew get hit in the eye with a baseball?
Chris: 'Cause I wasn't at the game.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Either way, I was responsible.
Rochelle: Well, no excuse. You're his older brother so you're responsible for him.
Julius: You're also responsible for giving me another $3.22 worth of ground beef.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Don't think he's not using it again.

Quote from Drew

Chris: Drew. Drew! [Drew raises his head] What are you doing here? You walk to school.
Drew: I'm not going to school today.
Chris: What do you mean?
Drew: Well, I saw Wayne Gretzky on Donahue yesterday. He's in town because the Edmonton Oilers played the Islanders last night.
Chris: So what?
Drew: So I'm gonna meet him and get his autograph.
Chris: Are you crazy?
Drew: No.
Chris: You can't just go off by yourself.
Drew: Yes, I can.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: I don't think you understand how much trouble we're gonna be in. I'm not even talking about Ma anymore. You know what's gonna happen when they realize we're not in school?
Drew: What's the big deal? You always say that they never pay attention to you in school anyway.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew had a point. Besides Greg, there was only one person who would care if I wasn't in school.
[elsewhere:]
Joey Caruso: Morning, Shoeshine. [punches Greg in the gut]
Greg: [winded] I'm not Black. Why'd you do that?
Joey Caruso: I don't know where Chris is.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: What's wrong?
Julius: That was Drew's school. He didn't show up today.
Tonya: Maybe he went to Philadelphia.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: I got here as soon as I could. Any word from Drew?
Julius: No, but I just got off the phone with Chris' school.
Rochelle: And what they say?
Julius: He didn't show up for school, either.
Tonya: Ooh, they're gonna get it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When do I not get it?

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