Julius: Forget this. I'm getting a gun.
Rochelle: Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?
[fantasy montage:]
Julius: Who ate the big piece of chicken? [pistol cocking] You? Baby girl?
Rochelle: [pistols cocking] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?
Tonya: Who ate all the cereal? [shotgun cocking] I will blow your freakin' head off!

Greg: A dog. That's so cool.
Chris: Yeah, but I can't get him to do anything.
Greg: Here's a couple of books on dog training.
Chris: You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?
Greg: I got lots of stuff in here. Let's see... Got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal, mostly Lalique, How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible... and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father tried to get clues from the clueless.
Julius: Look, I want information, and word on the street is that you got some.
Manny: Where'd you hear that from? Radio or something, man? Ain't got no damn TV, so I heard.
Julius: Maybe you should talk to Mr. Lincoln.
Manny: A penny? You can keep your penny, man. I don't know nothing, man. I haven't heard anything. No one's told me anything. Zero.
Julius: Hey, hey, hey, you sure? I mean, maybe you want to talk to Mr. Roosevelt, too.
Manny: You know what? I would love to talk to Mr. Roosevelt. [holds up imaginary phone] Yes, Mr. President. Yeah, Julius is standing right here. Yeah, yeah. He ain't got enough money. No, he's really short of money. Yeah, he's still standing here. I will tell him, Mr. President. Okay, okay, I'll tell him. Bye-bye. ["hangs up"] Um, he says to go talk to Kill Moves 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't just learn Spanish. I learned about a whole new world, a world that ironically wasn't too different than the world I already knew. There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves. There was a Puerto Rican Doc.
Chris: Aqui?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was a Puerto Rican Risky.
Puerto Rican Risky: Ten dollars.
Man: Gracias.
Puerto Rican Risky: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was even a Puerto Rican Jerome.
Puerto Rican Jerome: Oye, chico del otro lado de la calle. Let me hold un dollar, papi?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everything was different, but getting robbed still hurt.
Puerto Rican Jerome: Gracias, hermano.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya and Drew couldn't watch TV, but that didn't stop them from reading it.
Drew: Check this out. "Matlock at 4:00." When Nashville star Dolly Parton get arrested for murder, she turns to Ben Matlock."
Tonya: Look at this: Moses Gunn is going to be on The Jeffersons.
Drew: Oh, did you know Little House on the Prairie was closed captioned for the hearing-impaired?
Tonya: Stephanie Mills is going to be on Captain Kangaroo.

Mr. Omar: I've been robbed! Lord have mercy. They broke into my house and took one of my widows.
Julius: Mrs. Johnson?
Mr. Omar: No, man, Mrs. Williams. The redbone. Do you know how hard it is to find a good redbone?
Rochelle: Well, at least you got your health.
Mr. Omar: Oh, that's supposed to be funny?
Rochelle: I'm just saying... you can't take it with you.
Mr. Omar: I thought this place was supposed to be protected. Y'all got bells on your doors, broomsticks on your windows. Where were you?
Rochelle: I was home.
Mr. Omar: And you didn't hear nothing?
Rochelle: I was busy, you know. [chuckles]

Rochelle: Hey, I made a complete list of what's missing.
Julius: You didn't put a dishwasher on here.
Rochelle: We don't have a dishwasher.
Julius: We will if they find one.
Rochelle: I'm calling the insurance company.
Julius: No, no, no, I don't want my premiums going up. Insurance is just for emergencies.
Rochelle: Well, Julius, isn't this an emergency? They took the meat. They took the TV. They took my James Brown album. I mean, the only way they could take something else is if they brought something back.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At home, my mother installed a ghetto alarm system.
Mr. Omar: Hey, Ms. Rochelle. What's going on?
Rochelle: We got robbed.
Mr. Omar: You got robbed? When?
Rochelle: Two nights ago. Where were you?
Mr. Omar: I was at home.
Rochelle: Well, didn't you hear anything?
Mr. Omar: Oh, no, I was busy. [chuckles]
Rochelle: Well, they cleaned out half the house.
Mr. Omar: Well, the important thing is you got your health. Material things don't matter. 'Cause after all, you can't take it with you.
Rochelle: That's 'cause they took it all with them.

[Julius finds Kill Moves with his ear to the ground, literally:]
Julius: What do you hear, Kill Moves?
Kill Moves: Four riders... two on ponies.
Julius: No, about my place getting robbed.
Kill Moves: I ain't hear anything about that. But don't say I didn't warn you about the coming Indian attack. [war whoops]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father couldn't get our TV back, and now he'd lost his chair.
Tonya: What are these things?
Julius: They're sporks. Aren't they great? You can eat a soup or a steak without changing hands.