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‘Everybody Hates Blackie’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Blackie

304. Everybody Hates Blackie

Aired October 22, 2007

After their house is robbed, Chris talks his parents into getting a guard dog. Meanwhile, Julius doesn't want to involve the insurance company.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: Forget this. I'm getting a gun.
Rochelle: Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?
[fantasy montage:]
Julius: Who ate the big piece of chicken? [pistol cocking] You? Baby girl?
Rochelle: [pistols cocking] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?
Tonya: Who ate all the cereal? [shotgun cocking] I will blow your freakin' head off!

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Quote from Greg

Greg: A dog. That's so cool.
Chris: Yeah, but I can't get him to do anything.
Greg: Here's a couple of books on dog training.
Chris: You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?
Greg: I got lots of stuff in here. Let's see... Got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal, mostly Lalique, How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible... and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

Quote from Manny

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father tried to get clues from the clueless.
Julius: Look, I want information, and word on the street is that you got some.
Manny: Where'd you hear that from? Radio or something, man? Ain't got no damn TV, so I heard.
Julius: Maybe you should talk to Mr. Lincoln.
Manny: A penny? You can keep your penny, man. I don't know nothing, man. I haven't heard anything. No one's told me anything. Zero.
Julius: Hey, hey, hey, you sure? I mean, maybe you want to talk to Mr. Roosevelt, too.
Manny: You know what? I would love to talk to Mr. Roosevelt. [holds up imaginary phone] Yes, Mr. President. Yeah, Julius is standing right here. Yeah, yeah. He ain't got enough money. No, he's really short of money. Yeah, he's still standing here. I will tell him, Mr. President. Okay, okay, I'll tell him. Bye-bye. ["hangs up"] Um, he says to go talk to Kill Moves 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya and Drew couldn't watch TV, but that didn't stop them from reading it.
Drew: Check this out. "Matlock at 4:00." When Nashville star Dolly Parton get arrested for murder, she turns to Ben Matlock."
Tonya: Look at this: Moses Gunn is going to be on The Jeffersons.
Drew: Oh, did you know Little House on the Prairie was closed captioned for the hearing-impaired?
Tonya: Stephanie Mills is going to be on Captain Kangaroo.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't just learn Spanish. I learned about a whole new world, a world that ironically wasn't too different than the world I already knew. There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves. There was a Puerto Rican Doc.
Chris: Aqui?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was a Puerto Rican Risky.
Puerto Rican Risky: Ten dollars.
Man: Gracias.
Puerto Rican Risky: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was even a Puerto Rican Jerome.
Puerto Rican Jerome: Oye, chico del otro lado de la calle. Let me hold un dollar, papi?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everything was different, but getting robbed still hurt.
Puerto Rican Jerome: Gracias, hermano.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Hey, I made a complete list of what's missing.
Julius: You didn't put a dishwasher on here.
Rochelle: We don't have a dishwasher.
Julius: We will if they find one.
Rochelle: I'm calling the insurance company.
Julius: No, no, no, I don't want my premiums going up. Insurance is just for emergencies.
Rochelle: Well, Julius, isn't this an emergency? They took the meat. They took the TV. They took my James Brown album. I mean, the only way they could take something else is if they brought something back.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At home, my mother installed a ghetto alarm system.
Mr. Omar: Hey, Ms. Rochelle. What's going on?
Rochelle: We got robbed.
Mr. Omar: You got robbed? When?
Rochelle: Two nights ago. Where were you?
Mr. Omar: I was at home.
Rochelle: Well, didn't you hear anything?
Mr. Omar: Oh, no, I was busy. [chuckles]
Rochelle: Well, they cleaned out half the house.
Mr. Omar: Well, the important thing is you got your health. Material things don't matter. 'Cause after all, you can't take it with you.
Rochelle: That's 'cause they took it all with them.

Quote from Kill Moves

[Julius finds Kill Moves with his ear to the ground, literally:]
Julius: What do you hear, Kill Moves?
Kill Moves: Four riders... two on ponies.
Julius: No, about my place getting robbed.
Kill Moves: I ain't hear anything about that. But don't say I didn't warn you about the coming Indian attack. [war whoops]

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father couldn't get our TV back, and now he'd lost his chair.
Tonya: What are these things?
Julius: They're sporks. Aren't they great? You can eat a soup or a steak without changing hands.

Quote from Rochelle

Mr. Omar: I've been robbed! Lord have mercy. They broke into my house and took one of my widows.
Julius: Mrs. Johnson?
Mr. Omar: No, man, Mrs. Williams. The redbone. Do you know how hard it is to find a good redbone?
Rochelle: Well, at least you got your health.
Mr. Omar: Oh, that's supposed to be funny?
Rochelle: I'm just saying... you can't take it with you.
Mr. Omar: I thought this place was supposed to be protected. Y'all got bells on your doors, broomsticks on your windows. Where were you?
Rochelle: I was home.
Mr. Omar: And you didn't hear nothing?
Rochelle: I was busy, you know. [chuckles]

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: You were busy? Okay... Look, I can't live under these conditions, okay? If I don't get my redbone back, I expect a reduction in my rent.
Julius: Whoa, whoa, whoa, a reduction in your rent?
Mr. Omar: Did I stutter? And you need to get rid of that dog and get a gun.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Wait, wait, wait. What about the meat? I mean, we lost $117.43 worth of meat.
Mr. Carter: I'm sorry. According to our records, you opted out of the meat coverage.
Julius: Well, at the time, we didn't have any meat to cover.
Rochelle: So let me get this straight. You're not paying us for the meat. You're not paying us for the stereo, but what are we paying you for?
Mr. Carter: Peace of mind.
Rochelle: Peace of mind.
Julius: We don't want peace of mind. We want a piece of furniture.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew and Tonya finally settled on an activity they could both enjoy: prank phone calls.
Tonya: [on the phone] Do you have pig's feet?
Woman: Yes, yes, we do.
Tonya: Well, if you wear shoes, nobody would notice. [both laugh]

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was growin' up, crime was always on the move. It went from crime on TV to crime in the city... to crime in our house.
Police Officer: So what's missing?
Rochelle: The television.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] To my parents and the police, the house got robbed... To Drew and Tonya, the TV got kidnapped.
Drew: Here, I sketched something for you to give to the FBI.
Tonya: It was a 19-inch RCA, serial number 1993IH. Do you think you can get it back?
Police Officer: We'll try.

Quote from Julius

Police Officer: What else?
Rochelle: Well, we're still trying to figure it out, but they took the stereo, all of our records including my autographed James Brown The Payback album.
Police Officer: Ooh, that's a collector's item. It's worth some money.
Julius: They took my meat!
Rochelle: What?
Julius: All of it. Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, bologna.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If they had stole that stuff earlier maybe he wouldn't have the gout.

Quote from Julius

Drew: I don't think he likes you, Dad.
Julius: He better like me. I paid $35 to have him vaccinated and neutered.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now we know why he's growling.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Well, I want to give him a bath.
Rochelle: Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. This dog needs to be trained to protect this house. And since it was Chris' idea, it's his responsibility to feed him, bathe him, walk him and clean up his mess.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She always said she ain't raising no babies.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: The next person that walks through this door is gonna hear bells a-jingling.
Mr. Omar: Jingling bells.
Rochelle: Let me show you something over there, okay? Well, see, if anybody tried to get through the window... Huh? See? Blocked by a broomstick.
Mr. Omar: But do you really think they'd try to come through a second-story window? I mean, people can see them from the street.
Rochelle: Well, if they do, they can't get in. Ooh, and we got a guard dog. So if anybody comes in this house, they gonna leave in a casket.
Mr. Omar: Casket? Now that's the type of talk I like to hear. Well, I'll keep my ears open.
Rochelle: And your doors locked.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Hey, Ma, can me and Drew play with Blackie?
Rochelle: No, baby, he's a guard dog, not a pet.
Drew: What are we supposed to do? We don't have a TV. We're bored.
Rochelle: I don't know. Maybe read a book.
[fantasy:]
Tavis Smiley: Reading? Now that's positive.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Julius, I can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm tasting paper plate. I'm calling the insurance company.
Julius: No, no, look, look, I already got some of our stuff back.
Rochelle: This is not our stuff.
Julius: It's still a great picture.
Drew: Dad, they're White people.
Julius: Look, I got it at a fire sale for 15 cents.
Chris: But they're White people.
Julius: Look, get a crayon and color them in.
Rochelle: I'm calling the insurance company before you replace me with a White woman.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Right now, he's praying she doesn't look in the freezer.

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