Adult Chris: [v.o.] The next day, I pulled a Robert Blake and tried to forget all about the shooting.
Drew: Make sure it's tight, Tonya.
Chris: Isn't this how Houdini died?
Tonya: No, Houdini died from secondary peritonitis due to a ruptured spleen from being punched in the stomach.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] But the next day, I was just glad everything was behind me.
Jerome: Yo, little dude from across the street. I heard they caught the shooter and you got paid. I did my part, so where's my $500?
Chris: My mom took it. You can ask her for it.
Jerome: Nah, nah, man. My deal was with you.
Chris: Well, I don't have it.
Jerome: Well, then looks like you're just gonna have to give me a dollar a day for the next... [long deliberation]
Chris: 500 days?
Jerome: I was gonna say 50. Well, that's what you get for snitching. Now, let me hold a dollar.

Chris: Ma, I can handle it.
Rochelle: Well, what if Drew gets a fever?
Chris: I'll call a doctor.
Rochelle: What if Tonya sets something on fire?
Chris: I'll call the Fire Department.
Rochelle: Somebody tries to break in?
Chris: I'll call the police.
Rochelle: What if you get attacked by ghosts?
Chris: I'll call Ghostbusters.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my parents got ready for their big night out, I got ready for my big sneak-out.
Rochelle: Hey, Drew, Tonya, Chris is in charge. I want y'all to be on your best behavior.
Tonya: If Chris accidentally catches on fire, jumps out a window to fan out the flames and falls to his death, is he still in charge?
Rochelle: No, then Drew is in charge.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When dinner was finished, Tonya was just getting started.
Tonya: I know what you did.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Words no man ever wants to hear a woman say.
Chris: What? What did I do?
Tonya: You know. You snuck out of the house last night.
Chris: Prove it.
[Tonya shows Chris a picture of her with Kill Moves holding a sign which reads "It's 12:30AM. Do you know where Chris is?"]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Busted.
Chris: Okay, how much do you want?
Tonya: $50.
Chris: $50?! That's my whole week's pay.
Tonya: It's either that or Mom's going to smack the sneak out of you.
Chris: Fine.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In the meantime, the silent treatment was ringing in my father's ears.
Julius: Oh, come on, honey. It's been three days. How long you gonna keep giving me the silent treatment?
Rochelle: You ruined my anniversary. I'd say about a year.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He'd like to go for two.
Julius: Why is it always my responsibility to make sure the anniversary is good while you get to sit back and complain? I spent money on dinner, tickets, a hotel, and what do I get? $250 worth of angry stare.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nowadays that stare costs over a thousand.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother celebrated her anniversary the way my father dreamed it... with Vanessa.|
Rochelle: Ooh, it's about to start.
Vanessa: Okay, ooh, ooh.
[Vanessa punches a performer dressed as a dog who sneaks up on her and barks]
Vanessa: Ooh! Damn it!
Rochelle: Vanessa!
Vanessa: I know, I know...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And that's why Black people hate Broadway.
Vanessa: What y'all looking at?

James: Where's Manny?
Ryan: He's opening another shop, in Detroit.
Risky: When did you start cutting hair?
Julius: When we were kids everybody in our house had a job. Ryan was the barber.
Ryan: Yeah.
Risky: So, Julius, where are you taking Rochelle for her anniversary tonight?
Julius: We're going to see Show Dogs on Broadway.
James: Show Dogs? What's that about?
Kill Moves: It's only the most extravagant musical ever to come to the United States from a foreign shore. It's a high-voltage spectacle of song and dance!
All: Ooh.

Rochelle: No, girl. We're gonna have dinner at Domaine et Mer, and we're spending a night at the Times Square Regency Hotel.
Vanessa: Ooh, a hotel. Not a motel.
Rochelle: Oh, no, I don't do outside hallways.
Vanessa: [chuckles] Oh, that sounds good. I was married once. For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game. I broke up with him at halftime.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And ended up going home with Bernard King.

Julius: Who was that?
Rochelle: Gloria. She got a fever. She won't be able to watch the kids tonight.
Julius: What? Oh baby. I can't believe this. That was $150 worth of show tickets.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh-oh. She's about to do a dramatic head turn. [Rochelle turns her head] Told you.
Rochelle: Show tickets? What about our anniversary?
Julius: Well, that's what I meant. We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets to celebrate our anniversary.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sidney Poitier had nothing on my father's acting abilities.
[fantasy:]
Host: And the award for "Best Husband Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset About Losing His Money" goes to... Julius!
Julius: Yes!
Host: Julius, ladies and gentlemen.
Julius: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!