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‘Everybody Hates Snitches’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Snitches

407. Everybody Hates Snitches

Aired November 14, 2008

When Chris sneaks out of the house to see a movie, he witnesses a shooting which the police offer a $1,000 reward for information about. Meanwhile, Julius and Rochelle celebrate their anniversary with a Broadway show.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The next day, I pulled a Robert Blake and tried to forget all about the shooting.
Drew: Make sure it's tight, Tonya.
Chris: Isn't this how Houdini died?
Tonya: No, Houdini died from secondary peritonitis due to a ruptured spleen from being punched in the stomach.

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Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] But the next day, I was just glad everything was behind me.
Jerome: Yo, little dude from across the street. I heard they caught the shooter and you got paid. I did my part, so where's my $500?
Chris: My mom took it. You can ask her for it.
Jerome: Nah, nah, man. My deal was with you.
Chris: Well, I don't have it.
Jerome: Well, then looks like you're just gonna have to give me a dollar a day for the next... [long deliberation]
Chris: 500 days?
Jerome: I was gonna say 50. Well, that's what you get for snitching. Now, let me hold a dollar.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: Ma, I can handle it.
Rochelle: Well, what if Drew gets a fever?
Chris: I'll call a doctor.
Rochelle: What if Tonya sets something on fire?
Chris: I'll call the Fire Department.
Rochelle: Somebody tries to break in?
Chris: I'll call the police.
Rochelle: What if you get attacked by ghosts?
Chris: I'll call Ghostbusters.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my parents got ready for their big night out, I got ready for my big sneak-out.
Rochelle: Hey, Drew, Tonya, Chris is in charge. I want y'all to be on your best behavior.
Tonya: If Chris accidentally catches on fire, jumps out a window to fan out the flames and falls to his death, is he still in charge?
Rochelle: No, then Drew is in charge.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When dinner was finished, Tonya was just getting started.
Tonya: I know what you did.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Words no man ever wants to hear a woman say.
Chris: What? What did I do?
Tonya: You know. You snuck out of the house last night.
Chris: Prove it.
[Tonya shows Chris a picture of her with Kill Moves holding a sign which reads "It's 12:30AM. Do you know where Chris is?"]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Busted.
Chris: Okay, how much do you want?
Tonya: $50.
Chris: $50?! That's my whole week's pay.
Tonya: It's either that or Mom's going to smack the sneak out of you.
Chris: Fine.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In the meantime, the silent treatment was ringing in my father's ears.
Julius: Oh, come on, honey. It's been three days. How long you gonna keep giving me the silent treatment?
Rochelle: You ruined my anniversary. I'd say about a year.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He'd like to go for two.
Julius: Why is it always my responsibility to make sure the anniversary is good while you get to sit back and complain? I spent money on dinner, tickets, a hotel, and what do I get? $250 worth of angry stare.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nowadays that stare costs over a thousand.

Quote from Vanessa

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother celebrated her anniversary the way my father dreamed it... with Vanessa.|
Rochelle: Ooh, it's about to start.
Vanessa: Okay, ooh, ooh.
[Vanessa punches a performer dressed as a dog who sneaks up on her and barks]
Vanessa: Ooh! Damn it!
Rochelle: Vanessa!
Vanessa: I know, I know...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And that's why Black people hate Broadway.
Vanessa: What y'all looking at?

Quote from Kill Moves

James: Where's Manny?
Ryan: He's opening another shop, in Detroit.
Risky: When did you start cutting hair?
Julius: When we were kids everybody in our house had a job. Ryan was the barber.
Ryan: Yeah.
Risky: So, Julius, where are you taking Rochelle for her anniversary tonight?
Julius: We're going to see Show Dogs on Broadway.
James: Show Dogs? What's that about?
Kill Moves: It's only the most extravagant musical ever to come to the United States from a foreign shore. It's a high-voltage spectacle of song and dance!
All: Ooh.

Quote from Vanessa

Rochelle: No, girl. We're gonna have dinner at Domaine et Mer, and we're spending a night at the Times Square Regency Hotel.
Vanessa: Ooh, a hotel. Not a motel.
Rochelle: Oh, no, I don't do outside hallways.
Vanessa: [chuckles] Oh, that sounds good. I was married once. For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game. I broke up with him at halftime.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And ended up going home with Bernard King.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Who was that?
Rochelle: Gloria. She got a fever. She won't be able to watch the kids tonight.
Julius: What? Oh baby. I can't believe this. That was $150 worth of show tickets.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh-oh. She's about to do a dramatic head turn. [Rochelle turns her head] Told you.
Rochelle: Show tickets? What about our anniversary?
Julius: Well, that's what I meant. We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets to celebrate our anniversary.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sidney Poitier had nothing on my father's acting abilities.
[fantasy:]
Host: And the award for "Best Husband "Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out "On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset About Losing His Money" goes to... Julius!
Julius: Yes!
Host: Julius, ladies and gentlemen.
Julius: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: What's wrong? I thought you guys were going out.
Rochelle: The sitter canceled, and my anniversary is ruined. Other than that, everything is fine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If this was a cartoon, you'd see a lightbulb appear above my head.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Ma, I can do it. I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.
[fantasy:]
Host: And the award for "Best Kid Pretending Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary When He Wants Out Of The House So He Can Sneak Out And Do Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing" goes to... Chris! Chris, ladies and gentlemen.

Quote from Drew

Rochelle: Boy, what are you doing?
Drew: I'm gonna get on That's Incredible by using my psychic powers to bend this spoon.
Rochelle: Not with my good silver you're not. Go mind-bend a spork or something.

Quote from Chris

Rochelle: Chris, you know what to do.
Chris: Yeah, I got everything covered. Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI, CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though nobody showed, I figured since I was out, I may as well go in.
Chris: Forget this. [gunshots, yelling]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what happens when you talk over the trailer for Three Men and a Baby.

Quote from Adult Chris

Drew: How do you get shot in a movie theater and not have any witnesses?
Julius: Because nobody wants to be a snitch, that's why.
Tonya: What do you mean?
[fantasy: Dr. Information talks to camera while walking through a crowd gathered by a dead man:]
Dr. Information: In the early days in the Black communities, people enjoyed telling on each other. You couldn't do anything without getting caught.
Old Timey Cop: Who did this?
Man: He did.
Dr. Information: Thousands of criminals were sent to jail by law-abiding citizens.
Old Timey Cop: Thanks.
Man: No problem.
Dr. Information: It wasn't until those people got out of jail and started killing the people that sent them there that snitching got a bad rep.
Old Timey Cop: Who did this?
Dr. Information: I don't know.
Man: [o.s.] Wasn't me. I didn't see nothing.

Quote from Chris

Walter Dickerson: Too bad we didn't go. If we had seen that shooting, we'd be collecting that reward money right now.
Chris: Reward money?
Walter Dickerson: Yeah. The cops are offering a thousand dollars to anybody who can identify the shooter.
Chris: Thousand dollars?
Walter Dickerson: What are you, a parrot?
Chris: A parrot?
Walter Dickerson: Yeah, every time I say something, you say it.
Chris: I say it?
Walter Dickerson: Anyway, I'll catch you later.
Chris: Catch you later.
Walter Dickerson: Don't stand us up again.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was wondering how to collect a thousand dollars without collecting a bullet in my back.
Greg: You can't do it, man. You have any idea what they do to snitches in the joint?
Chris: Do you?
Greg: Yeah, I do. My Aunt Patricia told me.
Chris: Your Aunt Patricia was in jail?
Greg: Yeah, but that was when she was still my Uncle Pat. Trust me, dude, you do not want to snitch.
Chris: I don't know, man, I got to do something. There's a thousand dollars with my name on it.
Greg: Whatever you do, don't include me. And if anybody asks, this conversation never happened. [runs off]

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: You got the money?
Jerome: They said I get it as soon as they arrest the guy.
Chris: So, you told them about the red shirt and two-tone shoes and the stingy brim hat?
Jerome: Yep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was either a Black guy or Justin Timberlake.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father hoped some special treatment would end the silent treatment.
Rochelle: Julius, what the heck are you doing here in the dark?
Julius: I'm giving you your anniversary back.
Rochelle: Julius, this is amazing. You did all of this for me?
Julius: And there's more. I got you two tickets to Show Dogs tonight. I have to work, but you can take Vanessa.
Rochelle: Well, what about the kids?
Julius: Chris stayed with them the other night. He could take care of them again.
Rochelle: Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: you blew it once, don't let it happen again.

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