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‘Everybody Hates Mother's Day’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Mother's Day

321. Everybody Hates Mother's Day

Aired May 11, 2008

The kids want to go all out for Rochelle on Mother's Day. Chris wants to buy an expensive perfume, even if he can't afford it. Drew sells some of his old toys to buy a gift, unaware that they might be worth something. Tonya finds a way to buy cheap records.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: You know what, you guys? You don't have to get me anything. You give me such great gifts every year.
Chris: No, we don't. We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni.
Tonya: My macaroni oven mitts were not stupid.
Drew: Yeah, you're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaroni hot comb.
Tonya: Shut up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or your macaroni macaroni bowl.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Hey, you shut up, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Get out of my voice-over booth, woman. Save that for the show Everybody Hates Tonya.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Whatever.

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Quote from Risky

Risky: Oh, yeah, I got the latest designer imposter perfumes. Yeah. I've got Chanel No. 45. Huh? Calvin Klein's Depression, Revlon's Chucky...
Chris: Do you have Pure Voodoo?
Risky: Do I have Pure Voodoo? Look at that. Pah-dow!
Chris: Wow, does this smell like the original?
Risky: Same smell, same bottle, same box. An exact replica right down to the letter. And it's only $20.
Chris: Great. I'll take it.
Risky: Yo, for five dollars extra, you can get this Ewing cologne for Father's Day. Hmm? It's the official scent of Patrick Ewing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before or after the game?
Chris: No thanks.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Choosing to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made. Even a Turkish prison would be nice compared to what my mother would do if she found out I stole.
[fantasy: Chris and an adult man are in the stocks. The man screams as a Turkish guard in a fez canes his feet:]
Rochelle: [o.s.] Chris! Boy, where you at?!
Chris: My mother's coming! Kill me now! Kill me now! Kill me now!

Quote from Julius

Drew: One dollar.
Thrift Store Owner: Thank you.
Julius: Do you take coupons?

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was getting the blues, but Tonya was singing a whole different tune.
Tonya: Billy Ocean Unplugged for me. Billy Ocean Filipino Queen for me... Billy Ocean Live at the Pacific Ocean for moi... Patti LaBelle for Mama. And more Billy Ocean for me.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, check out what I made for my mom for Mother's Day. Macaroni pajamas.
Chris: Don't you think you're a little bit too old to be making macaroni presents?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When Greg got engaged, he gave his fiancee a piece of rigatoni.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The problem with going to department stores is every time a Black person enters, they get followed. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers...
White Security Guard #1: [crawling] She's on the move.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...or a senior citizen wearing diapers.
White Security Guard #2: She's on the roll.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or even one of their own.
White Security Guard #3: [following a Black security guard] He's on the move.
Black Security Guard: What do you mean, I'm on the move? I work here.
White Security Guard #3: Sorry. Force of habit.
Black Security Guard: What's wrong with you, man?

Quote from Chris

Mr. Phillips: Well, I might be able to keep you from going to jail if you tell me what else you've stolen from our store.
Chris: Nothing. I swear, I've never stolen anything else from this store or anywhere else in my life.
Mr. Phillips: Oh, really? Are you telling me this isn't you in this picture?
Chris: No. That's Lionel Richie.
Mr. Phillips: Looks like you to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He wouldn't know Lionel Richie from Lionel Jefferson.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] That Mother's Day, my mom realized I would do anything for her.
Rochelle: And let's not forget about this macaroni belt you got me.
Chris: Yeah, I made that for you in third grade.
Rochelle: Well, it looks like you're going to have to make another one. [snaps belt]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm lucky she couldn't find her macaroni bat.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted to get my mother something nice, because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.
Rochelle: Okay, who wants pizza?!
[Julius, Chris, Drew and Tonya rush in and each take one of the four slices of pizza]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And she sacrificed in the streets.
Tonya: Thanks for your coat, Mama.
Rochelle: [shivering] That's okay, baby. I... I like the cold.

Quote from Greg

Greg: That's a lot of money.
Chris: Yeah, but my mom's really worth it. I mean, she works, she cooks, she cleans. And what do I ever do for her? Besides, I think it's finally time to show her how appreciative I am.
Greg: I hope my mom appreciates my gift. Now I just have to figure out what cell block she's on.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Did you try Bellevue?

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew was looking to turn old junk into a new present.
Julius: What's all this, Drew?
Drew: I'm gonna sell some stuff so I can get some extra money to buy Mom's present.
Julius: I thought you had money saved up.
Drew: I did, but that was my "running of the bulls" money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Duh!

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was out of hot water, but Greg thought it was cool.
Greg: I can't believe you almost got arrested. You're gonna get so much street cred.
Chris: I don't need street cred; I need a Mother's Day gift.
Greg: Well, it's not too late to still make her something out of macaroni.

Quote from Chris

Janitor: Hey. You're that Black kid.
Chris: Yeah. Where did you come from?
Janitor: Brooklyn. By way of Palermo. Anyway, I overheard your conversation. You need a Mother's Day gift?
Chris: Yeah. I'm looking for Pure Voodoo.
Janitor: Ooh! There goes the college fund, huh? But I got a guy can help you.
Greg: Really?
Janitor: Yeah. Five bucks.
Chris: Wait. He has the perfume for five dollars?
Janitor: No. It's five bucks for the info.
Chris: Oh. Well, better be good.
Janitor: Yeah, see, the only thing is he lives in a really, really bad neighborhood. I don't even dare go there myself.
Chris: Where is that?
Janitor: Bed Stuy.
Chris: Are you telling me I just paid you five dollars so that you could tell me to go see Risky?
Janitor: So I guess I'm not gonna get another five out of you for the directions.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: [screams]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After what Pure Voodoo had done, I didn't know whether to call an itch doctor or a witch doctor.
Rochelle: Voodoo got me!

Quote from Julius

Julius: Tonya, you know you're not to order anything in this house without checking with me or your mother first.
Tonya: But it said they were only for a penny.
Julius: Baby, you're old enough to know, no one's going to sell you seven Billy Ocean records for a penny.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They would today.
Julius: Look, you're going to have to be more careful about the things you agree to.
Tonya: Does that mean I have to return the records?
Julius: Well, I'd hate for you to have to give back your Mother's Day gift.
Tonya: So I can keep them? [Julius nods] Thanks, Daddy.
Julius: Yeah, but you're going to have to do a lot of chores for a long time to pay back that money.
Tonya: Yes, Daddy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She did one dish, and he called it even.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: I want to show you something. Do you remember this macaroni ashtray?
Chris: Yeah, I made that for you three years ago on Mother's Day.
Rochelle: And I almost got cancer trying to use all 42 slots. And what about these?
Chris: Yeah, the macaroni shoe insoles. I made those for you in fifth grade. They look good. Did you ever use them?
Rochelle: No. But that year your father was laid off we almost had to eat them. And what about this? A box of macaroni.
Chris: Yeah, kind of ran out of ideas that year. See, that's why I wanted to make this year extra special. These things are worthless.
Rochelle: No, you're wrong, Chris. These things are priceless.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Only in a worldwide macaroni shortage.
Rochelle: And I wouldn't trade any of these gifts for all of the designer perfume in the world. I wouldn't even care if you ever got me another gift.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In my house, the most important holiday of the year was Mother's Day. You'd think it would be Christmas, and it might have been if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.
[fantasy: Jesus serves the family dinner:]
Rochelle: Oh, wow!
Tonya: That smells good.
Jesus: Who wants meat loaf?

Quote from Tonya

Drew: Have you thought about what you want for Mother's Day, Mom?
Rochelle: Well, you kids cleaning up the house, that would be nice.
Tonya: We tried that when you sprained your shoulder. Remember? It didn't go too well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It went well for you, lazy.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Hey, Dad, what you getting Mom for Mother's Day?
Julius: Me? Why should I get anything? It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?
Julius: Um... maybe some flowers.

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