Rochelle: You know what, you guys? You don't have to get me anything. You give me such great gifts every year.
Chris: No, we don't. We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni.
Tonya: My macaroni oven mitts were not stupid.
Drew: Yeah, you're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaroni hot comb.
Tonya: Shut up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or your macaroni macaroni bowl.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Hey, you shut up, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Get out of my voice-over booth, woman. Save that for the show Everybody Hates Tonya.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Whatever.

Risky: Oh, yeah, I got the latest designer imposter perfumes. Yeah. I've got Chanel No. 45. Huh? Calvin Klein's Depression, Revlon's Chucky...
Chris: Do you have Pure Voodoo?
Risky: Do I have Pure Voodoo? Look at that. Pah-dow!
Chris: Wow, does this smell like the original?
Risky: Same smell, same bottle, same box. An exact replica right down to the letter. And it's only $20.
Chris: Great. I'll take it.
Risky: Yo, for five dollars extra, you can get this Ewing cologne for Father's Day. Hmm? It's the official scent of Patrick Ewing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before or after the game?
Chris: No thanks.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Choosing to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made. Even a Turkish prison would be nice compared to what my mother would do if she found out I stole.
[fantasy: Chris and an adult man are in the stocks. The man screams as a Turkish guard in a fez canes his feet:]
Rochelle: [o.s.] Chris! Boy, where you at?!
Chris: My mother's coming! Kill me now! Kill me now! Kill me now!

Drew: One dollar.
Thrift Store Owner: Thank you.
Julius: Do you take coupons?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was getting the blues, but Tonya was singing a whole different tune.
Tonya: Billy Ocean Unplugged for me. Billy Ocean Filipino Queen for me... Billy Ocean Live at the Pacific Ocean for moi... Patti LaBelle for Mama. And more Billy Ocean for me.

Greg: Hey, check out what I made for my mom for Mother's Day. Macaroni pajamas.
Chris: Don't you think you're a little bit too old to be making macaroni presents?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When Greg got engaged, he gave his fiancee a piece of rigatoni.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The problem with going to department stores is every time a Black person enters, they get followed. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers...
White Security Guard #1: [crawling] She's on the move.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...or a senior citizen wearing diapers.
White Security Guard #2: She's on the roll.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or even one of their own.
White Security Guard #3: [following a Black security guard] He's on the move.
Black Security Guard: What do you mean, I'm on the move? I work here.
White Security Guard #3: Sorry. Force of habit.
Black Security Guard: What's wrong with you, man?

Mr. Phillips: Well, I might be able to keep you from going to jail if you tell me what else you've stolen from our store.
Chris: Nothing. I swear, I've never stolen anything else from this store or anywhere else in my life.
Mr. Phillips: Oh, really? Are you telling me this isn't you in this picture?
Chris: No. That's Lionel Richie.
Mr. Phillips: Looks like you to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He wouldn't know Lionel Richie from Lionel Jefferson.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] That Mother's Day, my mom realized I would do anything for her.
Rochelle: And let's not forget about this macaroni belt you got me.
Chris: Yeah, I made that for you in third grade.
Rochelle: Well, it looks like you're going to have to make another one. [snaps belt]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm lucky she couldn't find her macaroni bat.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted to get my mother something nice, because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.
Rochelle: Okay, who wants pizza?!
[Julius, Chris, Drew and Tonya rush in and each take one of the four slices of pizza]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And she sacrificed in the streets.
Tonya: Thanks for your coat, Mama.
Rochelle: [shivering] That's okay, baby. I... I like the cold.